Day 12: Recruit a celebrity to the Benrik cult today

The first, long, difficult step in recruiting a celebrity to the Benrik cult is thinking of a suitable celeb. You need to choose someone with a sense of humour - Benrik isn't for humourless people, even though this life-changing lark is deadly serious. You also need someone who is in need of life change, although I clearly forgot this rule, and just focussed on the first one. Rules are made to be broken after all, especially rules invented by oneself. I considered who to choose. I thought about my idol, Justin K Broadrick, but I figured he really doesn't need any more on his plate, seeing as he is making music ALL THE BLOODY TIME! Although you really should be making more Jesu right now, Brodders! I also considered Mary Elizabeth Winstead, who is super, super hot, and seems to have a good sense of humour. But I needed someone who definitely had a good sense of humour.

So, my comedy idol seemed like good choice - Seth Rogen. Funny, chubby (well, was chubby), unconventionally attractive, imminently huggable, intelligent, and usually blissfully stoned, Seth Rogen is the perfect man, and if I was gay I would be tapping his ass in a second! But that's probably too much information, so let's just say that I very much admire his works as both actor and writer. Inbetween fantasising about him, of course. He seems game for a laugh, so I figured he will admire the delightfully wacky antics of Benrik!

I wrote the following on the handy letter template provided by the Book:

Dear Seth Rogen.

I have long admired your work, and in particular 'Superbad' which just blew me away on so many levels, like it's realistic depiction of teenage virginity.

I'm no one in particular, just a student from Suffolk. But I thought I'd send you this book. It's none of my business really, but I read in the press recently that you had problems because of having to take cocaine, which you dislike, in order to lose weight for 'The Green Hornet'. They obviously make all this up, but still, it sounds like you could use a radical life-change. Follow this diary's instructions every day and you'll get much more positive publicity let me tell you! Anyway, I don't want to bother you any longer as I have my own problems such as post-teenage virginity.

I urge you to visit www.benrik.co.uk and join us for your own sake. Good luck.

Then I threw in my mobile phone number at the end, as asked, but that's for Seth's eyes only!

All I now had to do was find his address, which I Googled for, but to little avail. There were some websites claiming they had it, but you had to sign up for them, and pay them money, which I wasn't gonna do 'cos they were probably those terrible internet virus things! Besides, I wasn't gonna send the whole book, just the page, so I wasn't in this too deep I guess. So, I decided, as per usual when I'm tasking, because I'm a wuss, to look at this from another angle.

I've done it before, and I'll do it again - I resorted to Twitter! Rogen's Twitter page, http://twitter.com/rogiddy, which also has quite possibly the most amazing background ever, but is masked behind his tweets, was where I absolutely knew I could contact the man! Actually, I bet he won't read it, but it was worth a shot. I tweeted him the following comment, bearing in mind I had a piss-annoying 140-character limit;

Mr. Rogen, my comedy idol! You should join the Benrik cult by buying 'This Book Will Change Your Life'! I'll admire you even more!

I'm a big fan, so surely there's no way he could refuse the idea of me being a BIGGER fan. Surely... There's been no reply yet (and this was a couple of days ago), but I'm keeping up hope. He can only resist Benrik for so long...

Later that evening, I went to band practice. Which didn't go well, shockingly enough, as Amy was hungover. At 8pm. From the previous night. I've only ever been that hungover once before, and I NEVER want to do it again. So I can sympathise. But it is fucking annoying when I just wanna bash some skins and get some tunes learned. We've got a 20-song set gig planned for next month, and currently know about 7 songs. Good times ahead!

Later that night I met up with Jay, and we went to the other James, Mr. Small's, house for a night of good times. I met Mr. Small's mum, Dena, if that's how you spell her name, who was lovely, and we watched 'Mr. Bean', which was very nostalgic for me, I watched it non-stop as a kid. I also met his part-brother Alex, who seemed nice once I got to know him, but he was stoned out of his mind. I'm not complaining, it was hilarious. We played a word game called Balderdash, or Codswallop, or Piffle, or something, I can't remember the exact name. Either way, it was very fun, Jay and I vs. Mr. Small and Alex. Who was giggling at everything. And liked making sounds to accompany his words. Somehow, Jay and I lost. But it was totally worth it for laughing at Alex and learning the word 'Sprag', which Jay and I have been obssessed with since.

Jay and I then walked back to mine badly, slipping on the ice a lot, not helped by the fact she was pretty drunk. I would be too if I was letting myself drink this month (although, i admit, I did have a Snowball, I had to try one!). She was only planning on walking me back to mine, despite my protestations, but didn't quite realise how far away I lived. And it wasn't a fun walk with all the ice. Although we made it fun. We then crashed at mine, where I slept peacefully, fantasising some more about Seth Rogen... Uhh, I mean Mary Elizabeth Winstead. Yeah, definitely her...

Day 11: Today: Insult an alien

Having been up until ridiculous o'clock the previous night, I had a nice, long sleep, and vowed I would do next to nothing on this day, Monday 11th. Apart from my task of course. So, I did. It kind of fucked with me, to be honest. My OCD tells me to do things in certain orders, and today I chose to ignore it and just relax. But it leaves me really wound up to ignore what I think I should do, or something like that, hard to explain really, but either way, it left me quite unrelaxed despite my doing nothing.

Regardless, I DID do my task. I'd put up a Facebook status asking if anyone had a CB radio the week before, but I didn't get any serious replies, so I gave up on trying that before I even properly tried. Hey, I dunno how else to get a CB radio! Googling it would be a stupid idea... Anyways, my plan was quite basic - to simply go out into a (preferrably) vacant field, and yell at the sky at the top of my lungs. I waited for darkness to fall, as movies have taught us that aliens only ever strike at nighttime, thus I assume they are probably sleeping during the day. Plus, said field was more likely to be empty and there was the oppertunity to wake people up with ear-splitting obscenities, which is always a laugh.

In all seriousness, it was only around 8 that I did it, so I doubt anyone was asleep. Especially not those nocturnal aliens! Anyways, I needed an excuse to leave the house (beyond tasking, of course), and Yop was it. You see, I've been searching far and wide in shops for Yop for ages now. But, alas, the beautiful yoghurt drink was nowhere to be found. Until I remembered that the local Spar shop sells it, and that I get to pass a field en route up there. So go for Yop I did, stopping on the field for my celestial insulting.

I got there. There was no one around. There were houses nearby, but I didn't care. This was aimed at the aliens, not humans. I cupped my hands around my mouth, and yelled at the top of my lungs "Fuck you, you green motherfuckers!". Inspired by a similar line in N.W.A.'s seminal 'Fuck Tha Police'. Now, you could see my insult as being racist, but I assure there was no hateful racism intended. The point was to gain a reaction after all, and sometimes you have to play dirty. Alas, there was no reaction. Maybe they were still sleeping. I stuck my middle finger up at them too as a final insult.

Above: If you look very carefully, you can see some aliens swearing back. Possibly.

Not long after I did this, a woman turned the corner and walked past me. She surely must have heard me, my throat hurt from how loud I yelled. It obviously wasn't loud enough to stir the aliens though. Afterwards, I headed to the shop, got me some beautiful Yop, and returned home. The Yop was great, though needed to be colder, it truly is best served chilled. I also got a massive migraine this night, but powered through it, to talk to the lovely Jay on the phone for a bit, and later on MSN. Maybe this migraine was the aliens taking revenge for me upsetting them? Maybe they did hear me...

*'X-Files' theme tune plays*

Day 10: Today do a runner

This one had me thinking all day. I was very nervous, but I'd always wanted to do a runner. I was scared. But I was super excited. Yes, it's as dramatic as it sounds! But it all seriousness, I genuinely was thinking about it all day. Chris and I had been planning this for a while. We knew where we were gonna strike - the Wimpy. We knew our course of action - run down the alleyway next to the restaurant. But we didn't know if we'd come back. Or if we'd never come back. Or if we'd even do it. Or if we'd come back alive.

Chris and I met up at quarter past 5, to make sure we had good time for Wimpying. I'd phoned the Wimpy earlier, just to check they were open, and, despite closing early due to the snowfall (damn you, snow! Damn you!), they were open 'til 6. So, we met up, got to the lovely little resturant, sat down, and realised just how damn nervous we were about it. I was shaking like crazy, and both of us were unsure about how it was gonna go. Our plan was to run out, run down the alley, go around in a bit of a loop, then come back later and say 'Just kidding' and pay up. Weren't sure if they'd see the funny side, but that was our plan. If we were gonna do it. The place was empty but for us and staff. We could do it...

Above: Our target.

But first, the food, of course (heheh, course! So funny!) The runner etiquette included in the Book recommended against having a heavy meal before running, but Chris and I got full blown meals anyway. He got a bacon and egg roll with chips and Earl Grey (very classy!), he'd been trying to get a bacon sarnie for ages, since just before the new year I think, so he was stoked he finally got it! I got an unfortunately named Bender in a Bun with chips and orange juice. Our meals were fucking lovely. We forgot about running during our meals and conversations about other stuff beside running (hence why we forgot about it). But then, when the meal was finished, the time had arrived.

We wasted a little time by considering desserts, which we told the waitress too. But then, as she walked away into a back room and the restuarant was completely vacant save for a customer with her back to us, the timing was perfect. Chris looked at me. "Let's go for it!" "Are you sure!" "Yes, now!" So, we quickly grabbed our stuff, strolled out of the shop, and, laughing like idiots, ran like fuck down the alley, carefully avoiding the very slippery drain down the centre. We turned the corner, and then... The waitresses were there.

TO BE CONTINUED!

Nah, I'm fuckin' wit' ya! I will continue now. We actually didn't think about how the back of the alley is where the back of the Wimpy was. The two waitresses emerged, I think they were having a cigarette break. With all the subtlety of a sledgehammer named 'Big Motherfucker', we loudly gasped "It's them! Turn around!" We turned around. But I dropped one of my gloves. I bent down to pick it up, then ran again. We ran back into the Wimpy, which was still incredibly vacant but for the woman with her back to us, and sat down casually. A member of staff emerged, and... didn't do anything. The two waitresses eventually emerged and... didn't do anything. Holy shit! We genuinely think they had no idea it was us. The other member of staff was none the wiser. We could have totally gotten away with it! But, being the gentlemen we are, we payed up, and left on a high note.

Literally, high. The adrenaline was insane. I don't think I've ever giggled so maniacally before. It was one of the maddest things I've ever done, and we both loved it. We think we've got a taste for it now and should genuinely try it for sometime in the future. WITHOUT PAYING! But only if the staff are as stupid as they were in the Wimpy. Although we're glad we did go back, turned out Chris left his coat in there. Chris and I were both incredibly proud, and proclaimed it best task so far!

We then went to Jay and Kate's, where Rosie and James, aka Mr. Small, were there for a while. But, literally, like half an hour. Again, I can't remember most of the night. I ate a lot of Refreshers bars. And made a vagina candle. And was shaking like crazy all night and felt weird, maybe the adrenaline was still flowing. Chris went after a while, and Jay, Kate and I played cards. Then Kate went to bed, Jay and I resumed playing cards, listened to lots of tunes, and stayed up chatting until about 7 in the morning. It was insane how late we stayed up, but I had an awesome time. I always do. But everything's even better when you've got the adrenaline of doing a runner pumping through your veins. Seriously, who needs energy drinks when you can save a LOT of money by doing a runner?

Above: The vagina candle, a work of art.

Day 9: Things You Will Never Do Before You Die

Was meant to go to band practice on Day 9, Saturday. But this never happened, because, I'll admit it, I was just feeling super lazy. I felt really bad about not going, but seeing as I was up until 4 the previous night and was tired of arguing during band practice, I felt I just needed a day in to relax. And be lazy. Besides, the weather was INSANE outside, so I really couldn't be bothered to keep having to trundle through the snow. It's getting really boring, snow, bugger off now!

Fortunately, today's task catered to the lazy too! All I had to do was tick off the things I would never do, from a list of about three-hundred-and-something. Which was the worst part, it took a while to get through. But probably not quite as long as this will take to get through, if I decide to finish it. That's right. I'm gonna list EVERYTHING. I would just upload my photo of the page, but it's unreadable. So I'm actually gonna do this. Help me.

Things I have/will/might/hopefully will do before I die, with a little bit of exaggeration in places;

Swim with dolphins

Write that novel/screenplay

Run away

Wear coloured lenses

Donate your liver

Compromise

Parachute

Spend a night in prison

Start a revolution

Pretend everything is alright

Follow this Book rigourously

Learn how to drive

Hurt a friend

Go to a drive-in cinema

Become an artist

Collect stamps (it was in primary school, okay?)

Be late for a date

Watch all of Bergman

Bite the dust

Kiss a stranger

Move to Japan

Visit space

Invent a cookie

Become grumpy when old

Wear a rucksack

Use a semicolon

Become a fanatic

Dress like a hip-hopper

Be gay

Be heterosexual

Start a cult

Stand and speak up for your rights

Talk to strangers

Start a fire

Drink yourself silly in New Zealand

Order tap water

Grow a beard

Be on TV

Laugh at a bad joke

Apply for a patent

Become a rock star

Fall for advertising

Stop worrying

Use the term "solutionize" (I just did!)

Confess to a priest

Be drunk during office hours

Contemplate suicide

Take NO for an answer

Say a prayer

Break a promise

Learn to fly

Get a tattoo

Learn to live with gnats

Go on a field trip

Take part in a brainstorming

Be the fifth wheel

Demand a ransom

Say NO when you mean YES

Witness a miracle

Shave off your pubic hair

Cross-dress

Make like a tree

Bake a soufflé

Organize an orgy

Understand Hitler (I understand that he was completely fucked in the head, that counts right?)

Live within your means

Star in a Hollywood blockbuster

Dream in black and white

Solve a crime

Start your own religion

Experience an earthquake (the great earthquake of the UK, of course! Epic!)

Bump'n'grind

Be used as a manga character

Move someone to tears

Go live with a hermit

Greet the extraterrestrial delegation

Become a Muslim

Become a Buddhist

Become a Christian (all three (sort of) for Ecumenical Day of course!)

Reject society

Fulfill your true potential (who am I kidding?)

Risk your life

Refuse a new technology

Sway a jury

Fight the power

Collect coins (in Mario? Does that count?)

Smoke a Cuban cigar

Think up a new swear word (cuntbaggage!)

Master the remote control

Make a pact with the devil

Tell your deepest secret

Feel ugly

Feel pretty

Shit in the woods

Become a superhero

Make a leap of faith

Live to tell the tale

Forgive and forget

Serenade a lover

Jump for joy

Wear a cape

Talk dirty to a flower

Acquire a hard-ass nickname (Mr. Big's pretty hard-ass)

Become like your mother

Spell "egg" differently (I spell it "geg")

Beg in the street

Generate controversy

Howl at the full moon

Win an Oscar

Unbreak a taboo

Get high on life

Find your self

Other

Goddamn, that took agessss!!!! But without further ado...

Things I will never do before I die;

Read Proust

Climb Everest

Learn Italian

Visit Bhutan

Become a world chess champion

Rob a bank

Have a sex change

Become a queen

Become a king

Become a millionaire

Go to heaven ('cos I'd have to be dead to do that)

Walk to the North Pole

Learn Russian

Live off charity

Contract an STD

Celebrate Xmas in May

Call your father "Pa"

Call your mother "Ma"

Learn the Periodic Table by heart

Work in a coal mine

Follow Mao's teachings

Ride a camel

Inject heroin

Wear loafers

Speak in tongues

Faint with love

Save the world

Become insensitive to suffering

Master the yo-yo

Become a fitness instructor

Feel like Batman (Chris and I both felt sad to tick this one off)

Live for a year on a desert island

Confess to a whore

Eat leaves from a tree

Graffiti a highway bridge

Own an owl

Ride a Harley

Gamble your shirt (although I guess I have to on the second to last day of this Book...)

Invade a small country

Ride a donkey

Proclaim yourself emperor

Disinherit your heirs

Adopt a Romanian

Seduce the prom queen

Paint someone in tar and feathers

Run for your life

Light a fart

Smoke a cat

Make the front page

Win the Nobel peace prize

Make love in front of a stranger

Volunteer for a dangerous mission

Overdose

Give birth to a goatboy

Win the rat race

Overthrow a regime

Race at Monaco

Marry someone you've just met

Marry someone you've never met

Shovel manure

Discover the lost city of Atlantis

See your face on a banknote

Be eaten by cannibals

Own a grotto

Host a game show

Sue the government

Win the lottery

Sleep with your best friend's partner

Meet Santa

Shoot the last buffalo

Hibernate

Burn your bra (women)

Burn your jockstrap (men)

Find a guru

Turn 117 years old

Update the Kama Sutra

Marry a prince or princess

Settle in Pittsburgh

Run with the wolves

Become pope

Inherit the crown jewels

Grow a tail

Crash a helicopter in the jungle

Take a vow of silence

Take a vow of chastity

Jump bail

Fake a multiple orgasm

Become employee of the month

Tie the perfect shoelace knot

Eradicate hepatitis C

Kiss your own lips

Shoot the pianist

Ride off into the sunset

Invent a typeface

Beat Bjorn Borg at tennis

Be in the eye of the storm

Break the bank in Vegas

Have a park bench named after you

Meet your great-great-grandchildren

Suffer a fool gladly

Sweep a chimney

Be the 78th person on the moon

Be called upon your president

Win best-looking baby of the year

Fight a duel

Jump the gun

Escape your past

Suck on 12 lollipops at once

Have your own brand of olive oil

Become immortal

Learn pole dancing

Play the lead in Swan Lake

Catch that bird that pooped on you

Loop the loop

Wish upon a star

Witness the mating of flamingos

Confess under duress

Walk down the yellow brick road

Travel at warp speed

Stab someone in the back

Implode

Swim in Lake Titicana

Jump on a real bandwagon

Run an arms dealership

Exterminate a zombie

Sniff superglue

Whistle while you work

Memorize an encyclopaedia

Floss twice a day (I won't rule it out, but once a day seems enough, right?)

Go on a rampage

Make your bank manager beg

Lick an electric eel

Broker a ceasefire

Conduct an orchestra

Jump ship

Get drunk on meths

Sacrifice a goat

Inaugurate a building

Sleep with a whore of Babylon

Reach Nirvana

Find out what it's all about

Crush grapes with your bare feet

Ride a yak

Sup with Satan

Bite the hand that feeds you

Track down Lord Lucan

Cause an intergalactic rift

Get away with murder

Travel back in time

Apologize for existing

Think the unthinkable

Appease a dictator

Lose your mojo

Face a firing squad

Become an object of worship

Gate crash the White House

Burn a banknote

Have the Midas touch

Trigger an avalanche

Cure the common cold

Own an oil field

Save the whale

Discover a new continent

Come out of a black hole alive

Precipitate the decline of the West

Suck your little toe in public

Mate with another species

Become possessed

Surpass Einstein

Understand Einstein

Look like Einstein

Predict an eclipse

Participate in the Olympics

Catch a shark

Meet your maker

Commit arson

Spot the Invisible Man

Head a posse

Undergo emergency liposuction

Do the Rubik's Cube

Blame God for everything (just most things)

Betray your country

Regain your virginity

Change astrological signs

Bring back Bambi

Write in cuneiform

Get fired for being truculent

Become like your father

Join the French Foreign Legion

Achieve perfection

Win top prize for your verucca

Channel lava away from a village

Grow a third nipple

Spend all your salary on payday

Witness the Big Bang

Gerrymander

Meet a bolshevik

Ooze charm (I can be kinda charming, but I dunno about 'oozing' it)

Moult

Have too much of a good thing

Die of hard work

Run amok

Discover your ancestor is Napoleon

Make it to the top

Successfully crash-land a jumbo jet

Fiddle while Rome burns

Design the perfect crouton

Run out of tears

Give rise to a cause célèbre

Part the Red Sea

Have sex with your clone

Know the truth about JFK

Wave a red rag to a bull

Rule the world

Jesus Christ, I am finally done! *GASP* If anybody read all of that, I will personally buy you a Refreshers bar, because I am addicted to them at the moment, and you deserve one more than I do! I dunno why I did all that, but I figured it wouldn't make for a very interesting blog if I didn't. It didn't make for an interesting blog anyway, but we'll ignore that... Also, there are probably a few mistakes in there in regards to where some things are listed, but I honestly don't care at this point! I'm just glad it's over!

Also, in regards to some of the stuff I claimed I will never do, but actually might, or vice versa, I have to come back to my moral (if you can call it that) for yesterday - YOU CAN JUST NEVER KNOW!

Day 8: Self-Portrait Day

I have to admit, I kinda didn't get this day. I wasn't sure whether I was supposed to just simply take photos of myself and post them online, or if I had to actually draw a self-portrait too. So, in a sense, I did both. Well, I didn't post the pictures online on that day, last Friday. But I did take pictures, so I could draw myself. And I will post them on this blog entry. Well, the 'most revealing one', as asked for in the book. Plus, the self-portrait I did. I'm spoiling you guys!

Before any tasking could take place, I had to hand in my essay in the morn, so it would finally be completely, 100% out of the way. Forever! Until I inevitably have to retake it... Nah, I doubt I'll have to retake it, I was pretty proud of it. Although the deadline was 12.00, and I handed it in at 12.00 exactly. So hopefully it will still pass. Given how shit the weather is at the moment, I should imagine that mitigating circumstances should be allowed. Not that the fuckers at the Uni let us know, but oh well. I swear education organisations are unorganised on completely new levels of unorganisation amongst organisations. Or something like that. I planned to meet my Uni friends after I handed it in to have a celebratory drink (even though I'm going a month sober, so I'd have had a J2O or something). But the student bar, where we'd planned to meet, was closed, and I didn't have their numbers. So this never happened. Oh well.

Later, for more celebration purposes of course, I hung out with Jay, Kate, Meech and Chris. We went into town during utterly BEAUTIFUL weather, and went around buying general goods and services. Actually, I don't think any services were bought. Simply goods. But I wanted to use the phrase 'goods and services'. I went into WHSmith, where I got a nice, fine pencil and an awesome pencil sharpener which has a clicky bit to push if the lead gets stuck 'tween the blades. Because I genuinely didn't have a pencil sharpener, and my pencils were all shit. I was truly prepared for self-portraying now!

We then headed to Jay and Kate's. 'Cos I'm a terrible person, I can't remember much about this night, again. Seriously, there is something wrong with my memory. It is akin to that of an amnesiac goldfish! But I do remember watching '8 Out Of 10 Cats' and finding it funny. And then 'Celebrity Big Brother' came on, which seemed like a good excuse to do my self-portrait. In all honestly, I don't mind the show, and it was fun making jokes about Lady Sovereign getting trapped in an alternate dimension after being replaced by Ivana Trump (that name never gets unfunny) during a magic trick.

Earlier that night, I took a couple of pictures of myself. I took my usual 'pull a stupid face to hide my insecurity about how ugly I am' photos for a while, a serious photo just to see what it would look like, and lots of photos of me flashing the biggest smiles I possibly could. I was told they weren't smily enough though, so I did a photo that looks like I'm laughing maniacally. This represents the true me, as apparently I laugh a lot. Which I'm pretty happy about, so I decided that this would be what I would base my drawn portrait off of.

Above: The true me.

I'm not very good at drawing. I used to be, as a kid, but I stopped doing it, and then all my magical drawing skeelz disappeared. Sad times! So I approached doing my drawing with trepidation, I was kinda embarassed having to do it around people too. But it didn't go too badly. I mean, it wasn't good by any means. And it was embarassing. But it could have been worse. It was quite easy to draw, and whilst my sense of proportion and my teeth in the picture are completely fucked, it's probably the best thing I've done in quite a few years. So, not too bad.

I showed my friends the picture, which they all said wasn't too bad after laughing and spitting at it (those last bits aren't true), and Kate couldn't resist adding her own stylistic touch, my hunky, toned body resting tiny under my head. Which was supposed to have pecs but they ended up looking more like boobs. So Kate defined the boobiness even more by giving me a bra. Then Jay, added, naturally, 'The Destroyer', with an arrow pointing at my genital area. She stopped short of actually drawing the Destroyer, but seeing as it is a thing of myth and legend, we can't ruin the illusion by showing people a true portrayal of it...

Above: Head by me, body by Kate, Destroyer by Jay

Later, I stayed up talking to Jay about... I dunno what we talked about. Music I think, plus just about everything and anything, it's impossible to stop us once we start. Until we were both virtually falling asleep. Tiredness is the only thing stopping our long, long chats! By 4 in the morning I was super tired, and the weather outside was shit, so Jay encouraged me to sleep at theirs on the couch, which I did. Once Maxi (if I've spelled that right) had stopped rattling his cage like crazy that is...

Day 7: Today, let Benrik stamp your passport

I'll admit it straight up - I did not do this task. It's the only task of the Book so far that I have failed to do, and, as such kind of feel like I am not a true Benrikian! Well, to be fair, it's not too late, I'm still considering sending in my passport anyway, in fact I may do it tomorrow if I have time. But, in all honesty, it's probably the task that scares me the most, for a multitude of reasons.

Firstly, it was all the text at the bottom of the page. Stuff about possible Visa withholdings, arrest, denied access to countries, and even detainment. It scared the shit out of me. I know the chances of someone looking at the stamp and thinking "Hmmmm, that's particularly suspicious" are unlikely, but you just can never know! So, yeah, call me a pussy, but it kinda worried me. Even though I have no holidays planned for the immediate future. But something could come up. You can just never know! That's my moral for today apparently. Chris and I discussed how we could always claim that there's a country called Benrik, so we could get away with it. But then, Benrik could be the name of a real country, one famous for drug smuggling and illegal immigration. YOU CAN JUST NEVER KNOW!

More than anything though, it was Meg advising me against it. Now, usually I refuse to listen, because she advises against the majority of the tasks. But in this particular case, she told me that it's not a good idea simply because apparently replacing a lost passport is an absolute bitch. And, yes, I realise losing a passport isn't part of the task, but it is a possibility, so I would be a bit worried having my passport sent back and forth over the UK if it was so difficult to get a new one. So yeah, I pussied out. But I'm still considering it. Will I do it? You can just never know...

I thought about sending in my task idea instead, but didn't get around to doing that either. But for any interested parties, here's my idea;

Today, haunt your local library

In fiction, we often see that it is possible, and relatively simple, to invoke evil spirits in a library. But surely that concept had to stem from reality?

Today, test this idea. Go to the horror/occult section of your local library, open an Aleister Crowley book, chant some Satanic verse, and see if evil demons will run rampant amongst the aisles. Happy haunting!

Above: A really poor photo of my task. Admire that beautiful ghost drawing!

I suppose my day was very unproductive though, Benrik-wise, seeing as I didn't even get around to sticking this in an envelope... But there's still time.

It wasn't an entirely unproductive day in other terms though. Because I finished my essay. YASSSSS!!! To be fair, it wasn't that stressful, it was probably the easiest essay I've ever written, was just a bit time consuming was all. But I was super happy about getting it done, so went to Jay and Kate's to celebrate.

Due to the freak amounts of snowfall in the UK at the moment, we (Jay, Kate, Meech, and I) realised it was the perfect weather to play in the snow. I kinda didn't want to when I arrived, just 'cos I was so pissed off at some pricks who threw a snowball right into my face on the way up there. But I cheered up soon, and we went and created the most epic snowman ever. Actually, it was more of a snowpig. But we wanted a snowbear. Not a snowmanbearpig. So, we crafted it as such, geniously using teabags as eyes and nose, and eyeliner for the mouth. It was beautiful. However, with the redonculous amount of snowfall today, it didn't have a face for long. It was still beautiful though.

Meech and I walked home later, marvelling at how beautiful the snow was. It was quite difficult having to trundle through all the snow, and got pretty exhausting. Meech and I signed off at the traffic lights we used to hang around at in 2008, which made me really nostalgic. Good times, just seeing those traffic lights makes me happy! I'm hoping for more good times at THE lights in the immediate future!

Day 6: Today, try food that scares you

During the day previous, the one in which Chris and I had converted subsumer society (or something like that), I showed him some of the cool stuff in my room. One of the things I had was a game called 'Bite The Bullet', which consisted of 13 chocolate bullets, a 12-sided die, and 2 of the aforementioned bullets containing chilli inside them. I now remember something about being at Jay and Kate's the previous night, and that was that Chris and I played this game. Amazingly enough, we both stumbled across the chilli bullets on our very last goes. What are the odds? I assure you they didn't taste nice, although they weren't quite as bad as I expected, seeing as the package was like 'This shit is so spicy it will cave your fucking face in!' (it didn't actually say that, unfortunately). But it wasn't nice, and I was, I'll admit, mildly scared of it. Actually, I was terrified, seeing as the best before was something like halfway through 2009. I know I should have saved the scary food for the day after. But, you see, I did!

See, also in my room was a gift I got about two years ago, from Nicole and Alex (who also bought me the 'Bite The Bullet' game, they want to systematically destroy my taste buds I think). It was a lollypop! EUUUUUURGGGGGHHHH! But, more than that (and I like lollypops really), it was a vodka flavoured lollypop. And it had a scorpion in it. So today, well, Wednesday 6th, I ate a scorpion.

I met up with my friend Mat at Uni during the day, so we could work on our essays. I got a huge amount done, which I was stoked about, and still had time to fuck around with Mat, searching for the very end of the internet, by which I mean the most disgusting stuff there is on the internet. Oddly, through all the Japanese squid porn and stuff I'm going to hell for laughing at, the thing that repulsed me the most was 'Simpsons' porn. It's WRONG! I just can't believe that someone would take so much time to craft a picture of Homer doing Lisa. And then jack off over it. It genuinely worries me. I think, in terms of legal stuff at least, that IS the end of the internet. Yes, stuff can be much grosser or whatever, but in terms of just straight-up weirdness, I can't help but think that images of yellow cartoon characters indulging in incest is about as niche and odd as a fetish can get. It disturbs that these people watch 'The Simpsons', and probably think "You know what, this is great, but it'd be much better if Marge was blowing Bart..." WRONG! Just wrong! And that's not even going into the fact that a lot of it is paedophilic. Ewwwwwww.

I can't believe I just went off on a tangent about 'Simpsons' porn. Well, at least I'm not endorsing it or anything. Anyways, at some point during essaying/worrying-about-humanity, I released THE lollypop - the Vodkalix Scorpion flavour. They had other varieties too, such as ants, or worm. Gross. I think I lucked out with the scorpion. First things first, the actual lolly tasted nothing like vodka. Which is a good thing, straight vodka doesn't do it for me. It just tasted... Sugary really. Like a sugar flavoured lolly. Weird. Not as weird as the scorpion though. It took a while to get to (the anticipation was the worst part), and I started with the tail. Then the pincers. Then the body. It didn't taste TERRIBLE. It didn't taste very nice either. It tasted like a weird mix between marzipan and pure cocoa powder. The worst thing, though, was that it was very bitty, which wasn't very comfortable. Knowing that I had little bits of scorpion in my mouth wasn't the best, I have to say.

Above: A VERY sexy picture of me eating a scorpion.

Unbeknownst to me at the time of eating, the treated Chinese scorpion contained within the sugary cage was also apparently an aphrodisiac. And, I have to say, without wanting to disturb any potential readers, I was quite horny that day. I promise you that I was not horny during seeing the 'Simpsons' porn though. Which works as something of an anti-aphrodisiac. At least I know where to look if I ever want to be completely turned-off though. For whatever reason I might want to be turned-off.

Later that evening, Mat and I went to see 'Daybreakers', which I personally thought was pretty damn awesome. It was stupid, but it knew it was stupid, without being too self-deprecating at the same time, which I like. One of the more fun films I've seen at the cinema in quite a while, loads of inventive ideas, over-the-top gore, and, of course, Sam Neill being a badass. Not quite as badass as eating a scorpion, of course, but what is? Eating a live scorpion, perhaps? If I ever have to do this task again, I know what I'm doing...