Movie review: 'Dragonball Evolution' (2009)

Well, really, what is there to say about 'Dragonball Evolution'? It is what it is. What it is is batshit crazy, one of those films that seems to have not really been made, but just happened to have emerged from some dark reaches of Hollywood. It's almost impossible to describe. But batshit crazy does it pretty well.

The plot follows young and very Caucasian Goku (Justin Chatwin), a shy geek, who lives with his Asian grandfather, Gohan (Randall Duk Kim). We'll ignore the weird family-race issue, because ultimately this film doesn't give a shit. Anyways, Gohan teaches his grandson the ancient art of Chi, and something about some dragon's balls, but is killed by the evil Piccolo (James Marsters - that's right, Spike from 'Buffy') who wants these Dragonballs to destroy the Earth as revenge for a 2000-year long incarceration for his evil deeds. And our heroes don't want the apocalypse coming about. So they decide to stop him. Honestly, that's as far as the plot goes. Along the way we meet Chi Chi (Jamie Chung, looking fiiiiiine), Goku's love interest, Bulma (Emily Rossum, looking fiiiiiine), a seemingly random girl who wants the Dragonballs to harness energy, Roshi (Chow Yun-Fat, having a blast), Gohan's eccentric master, and the evil, shape-shifting Mai (Eriko Tamura, looking fiiiiiine). Oh, and some other dude who adds nothing to the film, except a romantic subplot with Bulma which is never dwelled on beyond one short scene.

Yeah, it's that kind of movie, where things just happen. It jumps from scene to scene without a care for narrative or character building, it's just, for the most part, action scene after action scene. Some of them are decent, particularly an inventive early fight where Goku beats up a bunch of bullies without hitting any of them. There's also lots of girl-on-girl fights, which is probably pretty hot if you're into that type of thing. But by the end, the action scenes become as incoherent as the structure, descending into retina-searing blasts of Photoshop filters battling against each other. The special effects are serviceable; they're not brilliant, but they suit the cartoonishness of the film. In fact, early on, when it's at it's most comic it's a bit of a guilty pleasure; an obvious yet amusing joke involving Goku's animé hair, Goku fantasising about Chi Chi in the most cliché fashion possible. But the plot becomes all too serious towards the end, which is just ridiculous considering it has no plot. Save for Chow Yun-Fat, of course, having fun, and keeping boredom away with a funny and eccentric performance, nailing the animé aesthetic perfectly.

The acting... Well, it might be good, but given the lines the cast have to spout it's honestly hard to tell. Kudos to all for talking about Dragonballs without cracking a smile though. I may be one of the only 21-year-old geeks who hasn't seen the original animé series, so I can't comment on it's faithfulness, but it's odd to think such a long-running series could spawn a film with virtually no plot. It's entertaining in places though, and, to let my journalistic ethics slip (as if I'd do that), the women in the film are absolutely smoking, and two of them have fringes, which makes this better than any other film on the same level of entertaining awfulness.

2/5