February

Still very lagging behind on the blogging front due to lack of internet at my house, but at least the computer's (apparently) fixed, so that's a start. Without further ado, let's jump in our DeLorean, gun it to 88, and head back to the start of February...

Day 32: Today rage against the machine!

I rage against machines quite often, by which I mean our home computer because it never fucking works, and XBox 360 back when I used to play 'Tony Hawk's' games, which I cut out of my gaming diet for fear of an anger-induced brain aneurysm. Today I raged against nearly every machine I encountered. Including my iPod and some sliding doors. In public. But I don't think anyone heard my rants. Probably a good thing on their behalf, my mouth is foul when angered...

Day 33: Become spokesperson for your neighbourhood today

I put up a sign my house's front window saying something along the lines of 'This road has a proud selection of cats. If anyone is caught hurting any of our feline friends, they will be punished accordingly.' We have a LOT of cats down our road you see. Not that I think anyone's ever gone around hurting them, but I figured I could avert it happening in case anyone really did come to our road with the sole intention of marauding moggies.

Day 34: Today gatecrash a funeral

Chris and I met up to go to a funeral in our area which I EVENTUALLY found out about through extensive research. Unfortunately we got lost, got the wrong place, and were very late on top of that. So we just went to a graveyard instead, where we visited Chris' dad's grave and discussed books we're planning on writing. We then headed to Cafe Nero in town, and seeing as we were smartly dressed, decided to talk like businessmen. Badly.

Day 35: How memorable is your everyday conversation? Today, find out by writing down everything you say. Highlight the wittiest phrases.

I didn't write down every single thing I said, because I'm too lazy. But here are some of my 'witty' phrases, which I'm sure will make no sense out of context. Actually, I'm not sure they did in context. The first is a conversation between me and Jaffy, which is hilarious when read out completely deadpan.

Jay: "I'm a bad influence."

Me: "Why?"

J: "I'm giving you ME."

M: "It's a contractable disease! It's spreading!"

J: "I'm a biological weapon."

M: "I'll show you a biological weapon... MY PENIS!"

J: "That's amazing."

Other 'memorable' things I said;

"Do you know where they were hiding the WMDs? In my pants."

"Biscuit for a biscuit?" (Upon mishearing the phrase "Risk it for a biscuit.")

"I'm not saying that you're not fat, I'm just saying that you're not fat."

"You look good however you look."

"I couldn't have a lip piercing if I didn't have a beard."

Yeah, most of these are just prime examples of my idiocy.

Day 36: Call a call centre in India and get the staff to teach you about their culture for a change

I called a call centre (took me ages to find a number though), and asked an Indian woman to tell me about her culture. She sadly declined, saying that it was not the sort of information that her company dealt with.

Day 37: Claim to see the Virgin Mary in an everyday object

I took a photo of a cracker and sent it to the Vatican. It was hilarious, because it was just the most mundane cracker ever, although I'm sure you could find the Virgin Mary's outline in there somewhere if you tried hard enough.

Day 38: Sense-less Day - Go through today without using your sense of: hearing

Spent most of the day with really uncomfortable wax earplugs in. It didn't make me deaf so much as just impair my sense of hearing a bit. Walking was uncomfortable, it sounded like a weird Solaris BC song, which is a very, very obscure reference, but very accurate I think. I eventually got bored and took them out, seeing as I was later at a little party thing at Dena's.

Day 39: Today buy a parrot and train it to say some unpalatable truth that you cannot voice yourself in society

Parrots are expensive, require space, and require care. And I'm poor, cramped in my room, and lazy. Besides, we have enough bloody pets as it is (two. Okay, that's not a lot, but still). So I didn't buy one. However, Jay's parents have a parrot, Mr. Magoo, and the day before, Jay and I tried to get the parrot to say 'DERP!'. And we succeeded. Not really an unpalatable truth, but funny and annoying in equal measure nonetheless.


Day 40: Environment Day: Teach Mother Earth who's in charge here

I provoked as much ecological sabotage as possible. I kept switching on unattended computers and lights at Uni and at Jay's. I convinced Jay to spray hairspray into the air, and I sprayed some deodorant, though I'm not sure if deodorant has CFCs. I even managed to get seperate bags for all my purchases at the shop. Which was a ready meal and three Refreshers bars. The checkout person was actually willing to do this. Awesome!

Day 41: Self-medication Day

I'd had a horrible nightmare the night before about a killer who chased me and Jay, so I stabbed him in the face, repeatedly, and REALLY graphically. It was horrible, and I felt more worried about myself for being capable of thinking up something so violent. Anyway, due to this, I decided to take green and yellow pills. I went to Superdrug and found some green and yellow decongestant pills. I've had nightmares since, but not many! I also took a red and yellow pill, but I don't (think I) have swollen arteries, it was just my daily antibiotic.

Day 42: Today carry a hidden weapon

You know those sharp things you stick in to the end of corn on the cob to pick it up with? We had a SUPER sharp one, perfect for gouging out eyes or, indeed, stabbing faces, at our house, so I decided that would be my hidden weapon. It was discreet, deadly, and, most importantly, a little leftfield in the weapons department. It did indeed ramp up my insecurities. i kept thinking about if I was gonna get attacked, would I have used it? Would it be seen as self-defense, or would I serve a long sentence for carrying my concealed weapon. Questions, questions. Fortunately, I never got attacked, so there are no answers to these questions.

Day 43: Draft your speech to the UN today

I drafted a very hippy, luvvy-duvvie speech and sent it to them. It wasn't very good, but maybe the hippieness would give it a chance to be selected. Take a deep breath;

Dear sirs,
Here is a draft for my intended speech if selected to be average representative of the human race at this year’s General Assembly pleneral meeting;
Mr Secretary General, Mr President, distinguished guests, ladies and gentlemen; Thank you for the privilege of being selected to speak as average representative of the human race. As a 21-year-old student from the UK, I can’t say that I’m in any position to know what is best for this world around us, but, as a man who cares about our humanity, I know what I feel is best for the human race, and I hope I speak for many others with my views. On the whole, we as human beings are mostly blessed. We are blessed with money, good health, housing, freedom, liberty. Sure, the healthcare system may not be the best, we may not all be the wealthiest, but many of us take this all for granted when compared to those who are homeless, those who are starving to death in third-world countries. This may all sound very-clichéd, and, yes, perhaps it is, but that doesn’t mean we don’t need to do anything about it and assume that others will do it all for us. We all need to take those things we have, and share them. Give money to charities, help out at homeless shelters. Whatever we can do to help those around us who are less fortunate. It’s easy to lay back, relax, and drown ourselves in all the good things we have. But ultimately, it will leave us empty, unfulfilled. Helping others is one of the biggest pleasures life can offer, and in the end, everyone benefits from it. We help others, others help us. It’s simple, easy, and rewarding. Obviously this can’t all happen in one day. We need to start simple. Stop hating others. Prejudice is probably the one thing in this world that triggers all the wrong-doing. Many wars are down to intolerance. People won’t help others because they look down on them. This is all wrong. We need to let people be the way they are, and embrace it. Let gay people be gay. Let Muslims be Muslim. Let human beings be human beings. Because that’s all we are, overall. Human beings. The rest of the details, our sexuality, race, gender, it’s all irrelevant. As long as we’re not harming anyone, we’re doing nothing wrong. Ignore what is fed to us by the mass media, the likelihood of media-based intolerant public opinion is that it all stems from rumours in the first place. We have to learn to believe in what’s for the best, not what the papers and news want to make us believe. Maybe I have a bias, being a media student. But the reason I find the subject so interesting is because I’ve always felt that the media is probably one of the most powerful tools on the planet. And it’s one that we must learn to form our own opinions on, instead of believing that which has such power over us. Because, if we all try to believe in what is right in our heart of hearts, then maybe everyone else will too. Thank you.
Thank you for reading, hope to hear from you soon.
Yours sincerely,
James Small.

Sorry about how shite that was (PS, I did not add this bit to the actual letter).


Day 44: Ecumenical Day

I already am an atheist, so trying that one out wasn't too hard, I was just myself. I didn't really have much time to try out seven different major religions today. I did have a pray to God outside a church hall though. I just asked him to reply to me if he was there. I didn't get a reply. I also stared at the sky for a while and thought about the universe, to cater to Paganism. It was blissful, but thinking about the universe really does scare me a little.


Day 45: Let the skeletons out of your closet today

I couldn't really think of many skeletons in my closet, but I came out with a few and told them to Jay:
Sexual skeleton - I don't wish to share this with everyone as it's no longer skeletons day. To be honest, it merely involved naming my favourite porn star - I'm just ashamed to have a favourite porn star in the first place. Hey, I was single for a long time!
Childhood skeleton - In primary school I bashed a guy's head against a wall because he used the water fountain before me and I wanted it! I still feel bad about this one. I was a twat in school, apparently, I definitely wouldn't be so deperate for water now as to resort to violence, promise! Maybe if I was in a desert actually...
My miscellaneous skeleton - I don't really have many skeletons in my closet. I'm sure I do. I'm just being a pussy probably. Also, this isn't much of a skeleton at all.

Day 46: Tonight, control your dreams

I firstly asked Jay for facts about hedgehogs, aeroplanes and midgets, seeing as she knows A LOT. She told me lots of facts, though not many about aeroplanes. Most of her facts related to diseases. One day she'll work for Dr. Gregory House, but I'll be overwhelmingly jealous, seeing as he is sexy, charming, clever, and treats 'em mean to keep 'em keen. He and I only share that last quality. Anyways, I later went on Wikipedia (a very reliable source I think, fuck the haters) and read loads about hedgehogs and midgets, most of it going over my head. I didn't read much about aeroplanes, because they're boring in my opinion. I tended to think about hedgehogs a lot, but unfortunately none of the objects invaded my dreams.

Day 47: Anti Paedophile Day

Although I would be scared of going to jail, I may have said hi to some kids today... If I'd have seen a single kid that day. No, I'm not joking. Well, there were some teenagers, but I don't know if they counted as young enough. Wait, that sounds really bad. I assure everyone reading this out of context that this was ANTI Paedophile Day.

Day 48: Today panic-buy

I didn't exactly panic buy, seeing as I only bought one of each object, but I did indeed buy all the products listed. I still haven't used the matches or soap, fun fact.

Day 49: Make prolonged eye contact with everyone you meet today

I made prolonged eye contact with Jaffy, Meg, Hannah and Meech, but forgot to do it to anyone else. Which is a shame because my band, Beerwolf, played our first gig on this day. I should have so stared out audience members from behind the drumkit, that would have made for a memorable show. For whoever witnessed me getting beaten up as a consequence, that is.

Day 50: Free Pet Day!

No excuses really, but I just didn't get around to doing this one. Although, funny story, my friends and I all recently thought someone else must have been doing this task, seeing as there was a poster up around where Meech lives, claiming a black-and-white cat called Whiskers was missing, with a really bad accompanying drawing. And no more details. And there are loads of black-and-white cats in that area. It stopped being funny when the reward started going up and Meech found out that it was an old man's missing cat. Sad times.

Day 51: Today mislead a tourist

I considered misleading a taxi driver when I was in a taxi, but that wouldn't work. Why? Reasons are twofold. Firstly, it wouldn't benefit me in any way seeing as I wanted to get home. And secondly, he had GPS. And was a taxi driver. Wasn't gonna work. Later at the bus station a man asked me when a certain type of bus left, and I was tempted to mislead him. But I felt bad, so I didn't. Damn my conscience!

Day 52: Self-acupuncture Day

I looked around town for acupuncture needles, but couldn't find any. I finally ordered some off of this dodgy website, seeing as it was the only website that I didn't need some kind of medical degree to purchase needles from. The needles still haven't arrived. I've really got to go about getting my money back for that.

Day 53: Send your DNA to the authorities today

As exampled in the Book, I sent some toenail clippings to Interpol, accompanied by the message written in the Book.

Day 54: Mass Social Experiment

I cut out the Out Of Order sign and stuck it on one of the elevator control panels at the Uni. I should have stuck around to see the results, but I pussed out. Suffice to say, I passed there not much later and the sign had already been torn down. Shame. I thought it would have been convincing.

Day 55: Today thank and write your most influential teacher

I planned to write some lovely remarks about the legendary Mrs Hamilton on the Trimley Primary School guestbook on the website, but alas, I simply didn't get around to it. Bad tasking, James! Bad tasking!

Day 56: Today, let power corrupt you

I tend to be a pretty nice guy, who will usually just do what others ask me to do, so there wasn't much power corruption on my behalf today. However, I did COMPLETELY take over the editing of the short film I'd made on my course. This wasn't actually because I was corrupted by power though, it was more for practical purposes, seeing as my working partner I was lumped with was a complete retard. No offence to him.

Day 57: Today, welcome a new life

Chris and I were genuinely considering going to a maternity ward and seeing how far we would get. However, we eventually decided that this would not be a very good idea, seeing as EVERYONE else explicitly warned against it. Spoilsports! Fortunately, Chris is a clever lad, and thought outside of the box - We would go to Homebase and buy some plant seeds, so we could welcome some new organic lives! We decided on sunflowers, not sure why. Mine is still growing to this day, on the kitchen windowsill, growing into quite the beast! Alas, Chris lost his plant. Maybe one day he will find his lost child.

Day 58: Today, praise an unsung achievement

I decided to get all meta on Benrik's ass today! I sent an e-mail to them praising this very task (especially for the 'Driving Miss Daisy' bit, cracks me up for some reason). I got a reply back saying, simply, 'Well done for your e-mail'.

Day 59: Find a way of using the word vortex in all your conversations today

I actually did this pretty damn well! Mum's friend, Judy, called, and even though Mum was unavailable, I asked her if she saw that documentary about vortexes last night. When she asked what I found out about vortexes, I replied 'Uhhh... they're kind of like cyclones?' I also mentioned a 'vortex of stress' in a serious text message, and sometimes just randomly brought up vortexes. At one point I actually just ended a text with 'VORTEX!'

Phew, that's February done! Finally! Now only two more months left to catch up... Ho-hum...