Day 15: Today, ask your loved ones to list your bad points

Firstly, I am even more incredibly delayed with these blogs than back when I was incredibly delayed with these blogs. My living arrangements have changed a bit lately, not that I'm complaining, but it hasn't accomodated me much time for blogging. So, I will try to get them out of the way eventually. Sorry to any loyal readers (that would be no one...)

So, on this day, way back on the 17th January (years ago!!!), I had to ask my loved ones to list my bad points, as may have been made obvious by the task name. The given bad-point-listing-box had five seperate bad-point-listing-boxes for different kinds of bad-point-listers; partner, parent, child, friend, and boss. Only three of those were available to me, seeing as I have neither a partner nor a child, so I first of all went to Mum.

Mum acted all coy at first, saying "I can't think of any bad points about you". It didn't take her long to write down the honest, but still kind of brutal bad points though. 'You lack incentive and drive, go to bed too late and get up too late.' Owch! Still, very, very true. If I don't work on this by the end of the year she will disinherit me! Not that it matters, she said she has no money to give me anyway. Wooo!

Next, I attempted to phone my boss. I'll get it out of the way. I have a paper round, at 21 years old. I know, it's pathetic. But I enjoy it, so fuck you if you is judgin' me, Holmes! I judge those who judge others! Including myself! However, it gets worse. I attempted to phone my boss, not realising that the phone number in the address book was an old number. I phoned up and got through to a man. "Hi, is the woman who does the Advertisers there?" I say. "Erm, she died last February" comes the horrific reply. Shit! I freeze up. What would be the good thing to say in this situation? "I'm sorry, I forgot!" would most certainly not be it. But it's what I fucking said anyway. Jesus, I am a douche. I should have written under my boss' notes 'Don't forget that you old boss is dead, you dumb shit!' Fuckkkkkk. Now you can judge me!

Later that night I went to Jay and Kate's. I decided to ask Jay to list my bad points. Unlike Mum, it took her ages to think of any. After about an hour of umming and ahhing, I finally got 'You fart violently. You're clumsy. You live far away'. All very fair points! Will definitely work on them for the end of the year! Well, the first one at least. I can try my best at the others, but neither are really my fault. Nor's the farting really. But I tend to be particularly violent and loud around her. I'm a charming guy! I can't remember much about being at hers, except that we watched 'Criminal Minds', and that 'Kevin McCloud Slumming It' programme, and had lots of moral-ethical conversations. Later, Jay walked me home and crashed at mine, due to complications I will not go into. While we watched a really old, very aged film on TV. Which is 'Fahrenheit Something'. The 'Something' is a number, but I've forgotten what it is. 451, I think? Am I right? I'm too lazy to Google it. Someone let me know!

Day 14: Sense-less Day - Go through today without using your sense of: sight

I wimped out of the first of five sense-less days. I wanted to go properly blindfolded, but being the idiot I am, I had already made plans to go to the cinema with Meg. And you know, I'm all for appreciating sound in movies and that, but half the fun of movies is having your eyes bombarded with imagery. We could have gone to listen to a radio play instead, but it doesn't have quite the same social appeal. So I decided, instead of going completely blind, I would merely go partially blind by taking off my glasses. Seeing as everything is but a mere blur without my glasses on, I figured that, you know, it was still gonna be pretty difficult. Partially sense-less day!

It was immediately difficult to wake up and not instinctively grab my glasses and put them on. I literally had to stop myself from doing this, I could feel my arm creeping over to my bedside table, and had to slap my hand to resist my urge. That's not true. But it could be, glasses are a serious business for speccies like me, you know! It just felt really wrong and awkward grabbing breakfast and looking in the mirror without glasses. I'm used to doing certain things without glasses - like sleeping, and showering, things where glasses are hugely unneccesary. But otherwise, I'm pretty reliant on them. I've gotta say though, I don't think I look too bad without glasses - shame that I would rather cut a finger off than put something in my eye that has to STAY THERE! Eurrrrgh!

Above: How I naturally look, sans glasses. Definitely not exaggerated...

Going to Ipswich to meet my sister was awkward too. I could just about make out the right bus number when it came along, which was a good start, but I genuinely found the journey really quite depressing. I dunno why, I guess not being able to see anything properly is just a bit of a downer. And it made me really drowsy too, all day. But I don't wanna sound like a whingey bastard, I know that there are people out there with similarly bad eyesight who can't do anything about it, and people with far worse eyesight too. Including the completely blind, which this whole task was about experiencing. Though I don't wanna come across like that delusional bitch who writes for the Daily Mail who thinks that being denied access to a top-class hotel and having to call her agent for help is just as bad as being homeless. No, I'm not kidding. http://www.dailymail.co.uk/debate/article-1238565/LIZ-JONES.html#ixzz0cDq8tM1O Read that shit and get angry at the world with me. Although it is the Daily Mail, so I wouldn't expect anything less than utter ignorance.

Anyway, Daily Mail rant over (I need to get them out of my system every now and again!) I got into Ipswich eventually, and decided to have a quasi-shop while waiting for Meg. Which was difficult, seeing as I had to lean SUPER-close to everything to see stuff properly, which also probably made me look a bit insane. If the task was to look mental for a day, I'd have probably succeded a bit better. After a while of me sticking my face inches in front of video games and sweets, Meg came along. She has successfully passed her theory test! Well done, Meg! To celebrate, we headed to the cinema. Okay, we were gonna head to the cinema anyway, but let's bask in the moment, guys!

Meg didn't wanna watch anything too depressing, seeing as she hasn't been in the best of moods lately (despite passing her test? Madness! She should be revelling in how her life is awesome in comparison!), so we went to go see 'Daybreakers', as I personally think the film is a good laugh. I'll admit, I completely pussied out, and put my glasses on for the film. There was no way I could miss the slow-mo orgy of gore at the end of the film, a truly epic thematic moment if there ever was one. Which there are. Lots of. But still, an awesome moment nonetheless! I then took off my glasses again for the journey home, where I unfortunately missed out on a guy walking around wearing stupid goggles. Maybe he was doing the task too? But apparently he's annoying, so I refuse to believe he's a Benrikian! Even though I'm annoying too, but shhhh...

Later at home, I watched an episode of 'The Simpsons' without my glasses, which was actually alright, I could make most things out okay because it consists of thick black lines. However, I made sure to put my glasses on for the Seth Rogen episode that was on later. Which, due to the Roge-meister, was a far better episode than most recent 'Simpsons', even if it still wasn't great. But it was decent. To be fair, I wanted to put them back on at this time anyway, going out with my glasses caused a fuck-off huge headache, and wasn't helping my drowsiness at all. Plus, I had a blog entry to write, and I put way too much effort into these things without having to strain my eyes and alternate my face quickly between the keyboard and the screen during a headache. Jeez, that would have been such fun though...

Day 13: Today, pretend to be a secret agent

CLASSIFIED: FILE #A206

First and foremost, this is incredibly private. Under no circumstances may this be reproduced for public viewing, whether printed or on screen. This is a top secret document that is for your eyes only. The consequences of reproduction of this file in any way will be major and unavoidable. If you are sworn to this secrecy, please continue.

The day started off badly. Okay, it was actually a really good day, but task wise, I think I failed. I had to "pretend" to be a secret agent, so my first assignment was to meet outside work at 1300 hours and wave to the grey car, which was to drop me off at the rendezvous point. Even though I set an alarm, Jay and I woke up a bit too late, so in attempting to get ready in time, I missed the deadline. We got outside for her to get picked up by her mum (who wasn't in a grey car), and we chatted for a while, making sure to never look up, we know they're watching. I figured the grey car would circle for a while until I arrived, but alas, only one grey car arrived on the scene. I ran out and waved at it, but I have a feeling it wasn't "the" car, as it did not stop for me. I hate to say it, and I'm very sorry to deliver this news, but I failed the primary mission.

However, I had to make sure that no one would find the instructions for my day, so I had to eat the piece of paper they came printed on. I tore off a fair chunk and attempted to swallow it, but it was very uncomfortable, so I figured a more practical approach was needed, a way of finishing my mission without suffering too much personal discomfort. So, under my sister's thinking (who, of course, had no idea about my secret mission) we tore up the page, and sprinkled it as a topping to a bowl of delicious ice cream. It ruined the ice cream. It did not taste nice at all, and constantly got stuck to the roof of my mouth and behind my teeth. I immediately gave up on this and binned the ice cream and secret document, under the belief that it was torn up so tiny it would be unreadable.

Above: Exhibit A - Ice cream topped with secret document.

Later that evening I went to Amanda's, who I hadn't seen for a while, so it was lovely to see her again. We ate pizza, watched 'The Vicar Of Dibley', had an uncomfortable but amusing experience with the two Alex's, her boyfriend and and her friend, and watched a Tim Minchin show, which I was amazed by. The guy is so funny, and intelligent, and talented, and can play piano like no one's business. At the same time. Plus, has amazing eyes. Amanda also gave me my belated Xmas present, 'Dexter' Season 1 on DVD. I haven't seen 'Dexter' before, but have always wanted to, so I look very much forward to experiencing it.

I think we can count this as a mission clearly failed, unfortunately. It seems I mixed business with pleasure, and pleasure ultimately won out. My apologies to all who relied on me. Please tell my wife and kids that I love them.

END OF DOCUMENT

Day 12: Recruit a celebrity to the Benrik cult today

The first, long, difficult step in recruiting a celebrity to the Benrik cult is thinking of a suitable celeb. You need to choose someone with a sense of humour - Benrik isn't for humourless people, even though this life-changing lark is deadly serious. You also need someone who is in need of life change, although I clearly forgot this rule, and just focussed on the first one. Rules are made to be broken after all, especially rules invented by oneself. I considered who to choose. I thought about my idol, Justin K Broadrick, but I figured he really doesn't need any more on his plate, seeing as he is making music ALL THE BLOODY TIME! Although you really should be making more Jesu right now, Brodders! I also considered Mary Elizabeth Winstead, who is super, super hot, and seems to have a good sense of humour. But I needed someone who definitely had a good sense of humour.

So, my comedy idol seemed like good choice - Seth Rogen. Funny, chubby (well, was chubby), unconventionally attractive, imminently huggable, intelligent, and usually blissfully stoned, Seth Rogen is the perfect man, and if I was gay I would be tapping his ass in a second! But that's probably too much information, so let's just say that I very much admire his works as both actor and writer. Inbetween fantasising about him, of course. He seems game for a laugh, so I figured he will admire the delightfully wacky antics of Benrik!

I wrote the following on the handy letter template provided by the Book:

Dear Seth Rogen.

I have long admired your work, and in particular 'Superbad' which just blew me away on so many levels, like it's realistic depiction of teenage virginity.

I'm no one in particular, just a student from Suffolk. But I thought I'd send you this book. It's none of my business really, but I read in the press recently that you had problems because of having to take cocaine, which you dislike, in order to lose weight for 'The Green Hornet'. They obviously make all this up, but still, it sounds like you could use a radical life-change. Follow this diary's instructions every day and you'll get much more positive publicity let me tell you! Anyway, I don't want to bother you any longer as I have my own problems such as post-teenage virginity.

I urge you to visit www.benrik.co.uk and join us for your own sake. Good luck.

Then I threw in my mobile phone number at the end, as asked, but that's for Seth's eyes only!

All I now had to do was find his address, which I Googled for, but to little avail. There were some websites claiming they had it, but you had to sign up for them, and pay them money, which I wasn't gonna do 'cos they were probably those terrible internet virus things! Besides, I wasn't gonna send the whole book, just the page, so I wasn't in this too deep I guess. So, I decided, as per usual when I'm tasking, because I'm a wuss, to look at this from another angle.

I've done it before, and I'll do it again - I resorted to Twitter! Rogen's Twitter page, http://twitter.com/rogiddy, which also has quite possibly the most amazing background ever, but is masked behind his tweets, was where I absolutely knew I could contact the man! Actually, I bet he won't read it, but it was worth a shot. I tweeted him the following comment, bearing in mind I had a piss-annoying 140-character limit;

Mr. Rogen, my comedy idol! You should join the Benrik cult by buying 'This Book Will Change Your Life'! I'll admire you even more!

I'm a big fan, so surely there's no way he could refuse the idea of me being a BIGGER fan. Surely... There's been no reply yet (and this was a couple of days ago), but I'm keeping up hope. He can only resist Benrik for so long...

Later that evening, I went to band practice. Which didn't go well, shockingly enough, as Amy was hungover. At 8pm. From the previous night. I've only ever been that hungover once before, and I NEVER want to do it again. So I can sympathise. But it is fucking annoying when I just wanna bash some skins and get some tunes learned. We've got a 20-song set gig planned for next month, and currently know about 7 songs. Good times ahead!

Later that night I met up with Jay, and we went to the other James, Mr. Small's, house for a night of good times. I met Mr. Small's mum, Dena, if that's how you spell her name, who was lovely, and we watched 'Mr. Bean', which was very nostalgic for me, I watched it non-stop as a kid. I also met his part-brother Alex, who seemed nice once I got to know him, but he was stoned out of his mind. I'm not complaining, it was hilarious. We played a word game called Balderdash, or Codswallop, or Piffle, or something, I can't remember the exact name. Either way, it was very fun, Jay and I vs. Mr. Small and Alex. Who was giggling at everything. And liked making sounds to accompany his words. Somehow, Jay and I lost. But it was totally worth it for laughing at Alex and learning the word 'Sprag', which Jay and I have been obssessed with since.

Jay and I then walked back to mine badly, slipping on the ice a lot, not helped by the fact she was pretty drunk. I would be too if I was letting myself drink this month (although, i admit, I did have a Snowball, I had to try one!). She was only planning on walking me back to mine, despite my protestations, but didn't quite realise how far away I lived. And it wasn't a fun walk with all the ice. Although we made it fun. We then crashed at mine, where I slept peacefully, fantasising some more about Seth Rogen... Uhh, I mean Mary Elizabeth Winstead. Yeah, definitely her...

Day 11: Today: Insult an alien

Having been up until ridiculous o'clock the previous night, I had a nice, long sleep, and vowed I would do next to nothing on this day, Monday 11th. Apart from my task of course. So, I did. It kind of fucked with me, to be honest. My OCD tells me to do things in certain orders, and today I chose to ignore it and just relax. But it leaves me really wound up to ignore what I think I should do, or something like that, hard to explain really, but either way, it left me quite unrelaxed despite my doing nothing.

Regardless, I DID do my task. I'd put up a Facebook status asking if anyone had a CB radio the week before, but I didn't get any serious replies, so I gave up on trying that before I even properly tried. Hey, I dunno how else to get a CB radio! Googling it would be a stupid idea... Anyways, my plan was quite basic - to simply go out into a (preferrably) vacant field, and yell at the sky at the top of my lungs. I waited for darkness to fall, as movies have taught us that aliens only ever strike at nighttime, thus I assume they are probably sleeping during the day. Plus, said field was more likely to be empty and there was the oppertunity to wake people up with ear-splitting obscenities, which is always a laugh.

In all seriousness, it was only around 8 that I did it, so I doubt anyone was asleep. Especially not those nocturnal aliens! Anyways, I needed an excuse to leave the house (beyond tasking, of course), and Yop was it. You see, I've been searching far and wide in shops for Yop for ages now. But, alas, the beautiful yoghurt drink was nowhere to be found. Until I remembered that the local Spar shop sells it, and that I get to pass a field en route up there. So go for Yop I did, stopping on the field for my celestial insulting.

I got there. There was no one around. There were houses nearby, but I didn't care. This was aimed at the aliens, not humans. I cupped my hands around my mouth, and yelled at the top of my lungs "Fuck you, you green motherfuckers!". Inspired by a similar line in N.W.A.'s seminal 'Fuck Tha Police'. Now, you could see my insult as being racist, but I assure there was no hateful racism intended. The point was to gain a reaction after all, and sometimes you have to play dirty. Alas, there was no reaction. Maybe they were still sleeping. I stuck my middle finger up at them too as a final insult.

Above: If you look very carefully, you can see some aliens swearing back. Possibly.

Not long after I did this, a woman turned the corner and walked past me. She surely must have heard me, my throat hurt from how loud I yelled. It obviously wasn't loud enough to stir the aliens though. Afterwards, I headed to the shop, got me some beautiful Yop, and returned home. The Yop was great, though needed to be colder, it truly is best served chilled. I also got a massive migraine this night, but powered through it, to talk to the lovely Jay on the phone for a bit, and later on MSN. Maybe this migraine was the aliens taking revenge for me upsetting them? Maybe they did hear me...

*'X-Files' theme tune plays*

Day 10: Today do a runner

This one had me thinking all day. I was very nervous, but I'd always wanted to do a runner. I was scared. But I was super excited. Yes, it's as dramatic as it sounds! But it all seriousness, I genuinely was thinking about it all day. Chris and I had been planning this for a while. We knew where we were gonna strike - the Wimpy. We knew our course of action - run down the alleyway next to the restaurant. But we didn't know if we'd come back. Or if we'd never come back. Or if we'd even do it. Or if we'd come back alive.

Chris and I met up at quarter past 5, to make sure we had good time for Wimpying. I'd phoned the Wimpy earlier, just to check they were open, and, despite closing early due to the snowfall (damn you, snow! Damn you!), they were open 'til 6. So, we met up, got to the lovely little resturant, sat down, and realised just how damn nervous we were about it. I was shaking like crazy, and both of us were unsure about how it was gonna go. Our plan was to run out, run down the alley, go around in a bit of a loop, then come back later and say 'Just kidding' and pay up. Weren't sure if they'd see the funny side, but that was our plan. If we were gonna do it. The place was empty but for us and staff. We could do it...

Above: Our target.

But first, the food, of course (heheh, course! So funny!) The runner etiquette included in the Book recommended against having a heavy meal before running, but Chris and I got full blown meals anyway. He got a bacon and egg roll with chips and Earl Grey (very classy!), he'd been trying to get a bacon sarnie for ages, since just before the new year I think, so he was stoked he finally got it! I got an unfortunately named Bender in a Bun with chips and orange juice. Our meals were fucking lovely. We forgot about running during our meals and conversations about other stuff beside running (hence why we forgot about it). But then, when the meal was finished, the time had arrived.

We wasted a little time by considering desserts, which we told the waitress too. But then, as she walked away into a back room and the restuarant was completely vacant save for a customer with her back to us, the timing was perfect. Chris looked at me. "Let's go for it!" "Are you sure!" "Yes, now!" So, we quickly grabbed our stuff, strolled out of the shop, and, laughing like idiots, ran like fuck down the alley, carefully avoiding the very slippery drain down the centre. We turned the corner, and then... The waitresses were there.

TO BE CONTINUED!

Nah, I'm fuckin' wit' ya! I will continue now. We actually didn't think about how the back of the alley is where the back of the Wimpy was. The two waitresses emerged, I think they were having a cigarette break. With all the subtlety of a sledgehammer named 'Big Motherfucker', we loudly gasped "It's them! Turn around!" We turned around. But I dropped one of my gloves. I bent down to pick it up, then ran again. We ran back into the Wimpy, which was still incredibly vacant but for the woman with her back to us, and sat down casually. A member of staff emerged, and... didn't do anything. The two waitresses eventually emerged and... didn't do anything. Holy shit! We genuinely think they had no idea it was us. The other member of staff was none the wiser. We could have totally gotten away with it! But, being the gentlemen we are, we payed up, and left on a high note.

Literally, high. The adrenaline was insane. I don't think I've ever giggled so maniacally before. It was one of the maddest things I've ever done, and we both loved it. We think we've got a taste for it now and should genuinely try it for sometime in the future. WITHOUT PAYING! But only if the staff are as stupid as they were in the Wimpy. Although we're glad we did go back, turned out Chris left his coat in there. Chris and I were both incredibly proud, and proclaimed it best task so far!

We then went to Jay and Kate's, where Rosie and James, aka Mr. Small, were there for a while. But, literally, like half an hour. Again, I can't remember most of the night. I ate a lot of Refreshers bars. And made a vagina candle. And was shaking like crazy all night and felt weird, maybe the adrenaline was still flowing. Chris went after a while, and Jay, Kate and I played cards. Then Kate went to bed, Jay and I resumed playing cards, listened to lots of tunes, and stayed up chatting until about 7 in the morning. It was insane how late we stayed up, but I had an awesome time. I always do. But everything's even better when you've got the adrenaline of doing a runner pumping through your veins. Seriously, who needs energy drinks when you can save a LOT of money by doing a runner?

Above: The vagina candle, a work of art.

Day 9: Things You Will Never Do Before You Die

Was meant to go to band practice on Day 9, Saturday. But this never happened, because, I'll admit it, I was just feeling super lazy. I felt really bad about not going, but seeing as I was up until 4 the previous night and was tired of arguing during band practice, I felt I just needed a day in to relax. And be lazy. Besides, the weather was INSANE outside, so I really couldn't be bothered to keep having to trundle through the snow. It's getting really boring, snow, bugger off now!

Fortunately, today's task catered to the lazy too! All I had to do was tick off the things I would never do, from a list of about three-hundred-and-something. Which was the worst part, it took a while to get through. But probably not quite as long as this will take to get through, if I decide to finish it. That's right. I'm gonna list EVERYTHING. I would just upload my photo of the page, but it's unreadable. So I'm actually gonna do this. Help me.

Things I have/will/might/hopefully will do before I die, with a little bit of exaggeration in places;

Swim with dolphins

Write that novel/screenplay

Run away

Wear coloured lenses

Donate your liver

Compromise

Parachute

Spend a night in prison

Start a revolution

Pretend everything is alright

Follow this Book rigourously

Learn how to drive

Hurt a friend

Go to a drive-in cinema

Become an artist

Collect stamps (it was in primary school, okay?)

Be late for a date

Watch all of Bergman

Bite the dust

Kiss a stranger

Move to Japan

Visit space

Invent a cookie

Become grumpy when old

Wear a rucksack

Use a semicolon

Become a fanatic

Dress like a hip-hopper

Be gay

Be heterosexual

Start a cult

Stand and speak up for your rights

Talk to strangers

Start a fire

Drink yourself silly in New Zealand

Order tap water

Grow a beard

Be on TV

Laugh at a bad joke

Apply for a patent

Become a rock star

Fall for advertising

Stop worrying

Use the term "solutionize" (I just did!)

Confess to a priest

Be drunk during office hours

Contemplate suicide

Take NO for an answer

Say a prayer

Break a promise

Learn to fly

Get a tattoo

Learn to live with gnats

Go on a field trip

Take part in a brainstorming

Be the fifth wheel

Demand a ransom

Say NO when you mean YES

Witness a miracle

Shave off your pubic hair

Cross-dress

Make like a tree

Bake a soufflé

Organize an orgy

Understand Hitler (I understand that he was completely fucked in the head, that counts right?)

Live within your means

Star in a Hollywood blockbuster

Dream in black and white

Solve a crime

Start your own religion

Experience an earthquake (the great earthquake of the UK, of course! Epic!)

Bump'n'grind

Be used as a manga character

Move someone to tears

Go live with a hermit

Greet the extraterrestrial delegation

Become a Muslim

Become a Buddhist

Become a Christian (all three (sort of) for Ecumenical Day of course!)

Reject society

Fulfill your true potential (who am I kidding?)

Risk your life

Refuse a new technology

Sway a jury

Fight the power

Collect coins (in Mario? Does that count?)

Smoke a Cuban cigar

Think up a new swear word (cuntbaggage!)

Master the remote control

Make a pact with the devil

Tell your deepest secret

Feel ugly

Feel pretty

Shit in the woods

Become a superhero

Make a leap of faith

Live to tell the tale

Forgive and forget

Serenade a lover

Jump for joy

Wear a cape

Talk dirty to a flower

Acquire a hard-ass nickname (Mr. Big's pretty hard-ass)

Become like your mother

Spell "egg" differently (I spell it "geg")

Beg in the street

Generate controversy

Howl at the full moon

Win an Oscar

Unbreak a taboo

Get high on life

Find your self

Other

Goddamn, that took agessss!!!! But without further ado...

Things I will never do before I die;

Read Proust

Climb Everest

Learn Italian

Visit Bhutan

Become a world chess champion

Rob a bank

Have a sex change

Become a queen

Become a king

Become a millionaire

Go to heaven ('cos I'd have to be dead to do that)

Walk to the North Pole

Learn Russian

Live off charity

Contract an STD

Celebrate Xmas in May

Call your father "Pa"

Call your mother "Ma"

Learn the Periodic Table by heart

Work in a coal mine

Follow Mao's teachings

Ride a camel

Inject heroin

Wear loafers

Speak in tongues

Faint with love

Save the world

Become insensitive to suffering

Master the yo-yo

Become a fitness instructor

Feel like Batman (Chris and I both felt sad to tick this one off)

Live for a year on a desert island

Confess to a whore

Eat leaves from a tree

Graffiti a highway bridge

Own an owl

Ride a Harley

Gamble your shirt (although I guess I have to on the second to last day of this Book...)

Invade a small country

Ride a donkey

Proclaim yourself emperor

Disinherit your heirs

Adopt a Romanian

Seduce the prom queen

Paint someone in tar and feathers

Run for your life

Light a fart

Smoke a cat

Make the front page

Win the Nobel peace prize

Make love in front of a stranger

Volunteer for a dangerous mission

Overdose

Give birth to a goatboy

Win the rat race

Overthrow a regime

Race at Monaco

Marry someone you've just met

Marry someone you've never met

Shovel manure

Discover the lost city of Atlantis

See your face on a banknote

Be eaten by cannibals

Own a grotto

Host a game show

Sue the government

Win the lottery

Sleep with your best friend's partner

Meet Santa

Shoot the last buffalo

Hibernate

Burn your bra (women)

Burn your jockstrap (men)

Find a guru

Turn 117 years old

Update the Kama Sutra

Marry a prince or princess

Settle in Pittsburgh

Run with the wolves

Become pope

Inherit the crown jewels

Grow a tail

Crash a helicopter in the jungle

Take a vow of silence

Take a vow of chastity

Jump bail

Fake a multiple orgasm

Become employee of the month

Tie the perfect shoelace knot

Eradicate hepatitis C

Kiss your own lips

Shoot the pianist

Ride off into the sunset

Invent a typeface

Beat Bjorn Borg at tennis

Be in the eye of the storm

Break the bank in Vegas

Have a park bench named after you

Meet your great-great-grandchildren

Suffer a fool gladly

Sweep a chimney

Be the 78th person on the moon

Be called upon your president

Win best-looking baby of the year

Fight a duel

Jump the gun

Escape your past

Suck on 12 lollipops at once

Have your own brand of olive oil

Become immortal

Learn pole dancing

Play the lead in Swan Lake

Catch that bird that pooped on you

Loop the loop

Wish upon a star

Witness the mating of flamingos

Confess under duress

Walk down the yellow brick road

Travel at warp speed

Stab someone in the back

Implode

Swim in Lake Titicana

Jump on a real bandwagon

Run an arms dealership

Exterminate a zombie

Sniff superglue

Whistle while you work

Memorize an encyclopaedia

Floss twice a day (I won't rule it out, but once a day seems enough, right?)

Go on a rampage

Make your bank manager beg

Lick an electric eel

Broker a ceasefire

Conduct an orchestra

Jump ship

Get drunk on meths

Sacrifice a goat

Inaugurate a building

Sleep with a whore of Babylon

Reach Nirvana

Find out what it's all about

Crush grapes with your bare feet

Ride a yak

Sup with Satan

Bite the hand that feeds you

Track down Lord Lucan

Cause an intergalactic rift

Get away with murder

Travel back in time

Apologize for existing

Think the unthinkable

Appease a dictator

Lose your mojo

Face a firing squad

Become an object of worship

Gate crash the White House

Burn a banknote

Have the Midas touch

Trigger an avalanche

Cure the common cold

Own an oil field

Save the whale

Discover a new continent

Come out of a black hole alive

Precipitate the decline of the West

Suck your little toe in public

Mate with another species

Become possessed

Surpass Einstein

Understand Einstein

Look like Einstein

Predict an eclipse

Participate in the Olympics

Catch a shark

Meet your maker

Commit arson

Spot the Invisible Man

Head a posse

Undergo emergency liposuction

Do the Rubik's Cube

Blame God for everything (just most things)

Betray your country

Regain your virginity

Change astrological signs

Bring back Bambi

Write in cuneiform

Get fired for being truculent

Become like your father

Join the French Foreign Legion

Achieve perfection

Win top prize for your verucca

Channel lava away from a village

Grow a third nipple

Spend all your salary on payday

Witness the Big Bang

Gerrymander

Meet a bolshevik

Ooze charm (I can be kinda charming, but I dunno about 'oozing' it)

Moult

Have too much of a good thing

Die of hard work

Run amok

Discover your ancestor is Napoleon

Make it to the top

Successfully crash-land a jumbo jet

Fiddle while Rome burns

Design the perfect crouton

Run out of tears

Give rise to a cause célèbre

Part the Red Sea

Have sex with your clone

Know the truth about JFK

Wave a red rag to a bull

Rule the world

Jesus Christ, I am finally done! *GASP* If anybody read all of that, I will personally buy you a Refreshers bar, because I am addicted to them at the moment, and you deserve one more than I do! I dunno why I did all that, but I figured it wouldn't make for a very interesting blog if I didn't. It didn't make for an interesting blog anyway, but we'll ignore that... Also, there are probably a few mistakes in there in regards to where some things are listed, but I honestly don't care at this point! I'm just glad it's over!

Also, in regards to some of the stuff I claimed I will never do, but actually might, or vice versa, I have to come back to my moral (if you can call it that) for yesterday - YOU CAN JUST NEVER KNOW!

Day 8: Self-Portrait Day

I have to admit, I kinda didn't get this day. I wasn't sure whether I was supposed to just simply take photos of myself and post them online, or if I had to actually draw a self-portrait too. So, in a sense, I did both. Well, I didn't post the pictures online on that day, last Friday. But I did take pictures, so I could draw myself. And I will post them on this blog entry. Well, the 'most revealing one', as asked for in the book. Plus, the self-portrait I did. I'm spoiling you guys!

Before any tasking could take place, I had to hand in my essay in the morn, so it would finally be completely, 100% out of the way. Forever! Until I inevitably have to retake it... Nah, I doubt I'll have to retake it, I was pretty proud of it. Although the deadline was 12.00, and I handed it in at 12.00 exactly. So hopefully it will still pass. Given how shit the weather is at the moment, I should imagine that mitigating circumstances should be allowed. Not that the fuckers at the Uni let us know, but oh well. I swear education organisations are unorganised on completely new levels of unorganisation amongst organisations. Or something like that. I planned to meet my Uni friends after I handed it in to have a celebratory drink (even though I'm going a month sober, so I'd have had a J2O or something). But the student bar, where we'd planned to meet, was closed, and I didn't have their numbers. So this never happened. Oh well.

Later, for more celebration purposes of course, I hung out with Jay, Kate, Meech and Chris. We went into town during utterly BEAUTIFUL weather, and went around buying general goods and services. Actually, I don't think any services were bought. Simply goods. But I wanted to use the phrase 'goods and services'. I went into WHSmith, where I got a nice, fine pencil and an awesome pencil sharpener which has a clicky bit to push if the lead gets stuck 'tween the blades. Because I genuinely didn't have a pencil sharpener, and my pencils were all shit. I was truly prepared for self-portraying now!

We then headed to Jay and Kate's. 'Cos I'm a terrible person, I can't remember much about this night, again. Seriously, there is something wrong with my memory. It is akin to that of an amnesiac goldfish! But I do remember watching '8 Out Of 10 Cats' and finding it funny. And then 'Celebrity Big Brother' came on, which seemed like a good excuse to do my self-portrait. In all honestly, I don't mind the show, and it was fun making jokes about Lady Sovereign getting trapped in an alternate dimension after being replaced by Ivana Trump (that name never gets unfunny) during a magic trick.

Earlier that night, I took a couple of pictures of myself. I took my usual 'pull a stupid face to hide my insecurity about how ugly I am' photos for a while, a serious photo just to see what it would look like, and lots of photos of me flashing the biggest smiles I possibly could. I was told they weren't smily enough though, so I did a photo that looks like I'm laughing maniacally. This represents the true me, as apparently I laugh a lot. Which I'm pretty happy about, so I decided that this would be what I would base my drawn portrait off of.

Above: The true me.

I'm not very good at drawing. I used to be, as a kid, but I stopped doing it, and then all my magical drawing skeelz disappeared. Sad times! So I approached doing my drawing with trepidation, I was kinda embarassed having to do it around people too. But it didn't go too badly. I mean, it wasn't good by any means. And it was embarassing. But it could have been worse. It was quite easy to draw, and whilst my sense of proportion and my teeth in the picture are completely fucked, it's probably the best thing I've done in quite a few years. So, not too bad.

I showed my friends the picture, which they all said wasn't too bad after laughing and spitting at it (those last bits aren't true), and Kate couldn't resist adding her own stylistic touch, my hunky, toned body resting tiny under my head. Which was supposed to have pecs but they ended up looking more like boobs. So Kate defined the boobiness even more by giving me a bra. Then Jay, added, naturally, 'The Destroyer', with an arrow pointing at my genital area. She stopped short of actually drawing the Destroyer, but seeing as it is a thing of myth and legend, we can't ruin the illusion by showing people a true portrayal of it...

Above: Head by me, body by Kate, Destroyer by Jay

Later, I stayed up talking to Jay about... I dunno what we talked about. Music I think, plus just about everything and anything, it's impossible to stop us once we start. Until we were both virtually falling asleep. Tiredness is the only thing stopping our long, long chats! By 4 in the morning I was super tired, and the weather outside was shit, so Jay encouraged me to sleep at theirs on the couch, which I did. Once Maxi (if I've spelled that right) had stopped rattling his cage like crazy that is...

Day 7: Today, let Benrik stamp your passport

I'll admit it straight up - I did not do this task. It's the only task of the Book so far that I have failed to do, and, as such kind of feel like I am not a true Benrikian! Well, to be fair, it's not too late, I'm still considering sending in my passport anyway, in fact I may do it tomorrow if I have time. But, in all honesty, it's probably the task that scares me the most, for a multitude of reasons.

Firstly, it was all the text at the bottom of the page. Stuff about possible Visa withholdings, arrest, denied access to countries, and even detainment. It scared the shit out of me. I know the chances of someone looking at the stamp and thinking "Hmmmm, that's particularly suspicious" are unlikely, but you just can never know! So, yeah, call me a pussy, but it kinda worried me. Even though I have no holidays planned for the immediate future. But something could come up. You can just never know! That's my moral for today apparently. Chris and I discussed how we could always claim that there's a country called Benrik, so we could get away with it. But then, Benrik could be the name of a real country, one famous for drug smuggling and illegal immigration. YOU CAN JUST NEVER KNOW!

More than anything though, it was Meg advising me against it. Now, usually I refuse to listen, because she advises against the majority of the tasks. But in this particular case, she told me that it's not a good idea simply because apparently replacing a lost passport is an absolute bitch. And, yes, I realise losing a passport isn't part of the task, but it is a possibility, so I would be a bit worried having my passport sent back and forth over the UK if it was so difficult to get a new one. So yeah, I pussied out. But I'm still considering it. Will I do it? You can just never know...

I thought about sending in my task idea instead, but didn't get around to doing that either. But for any interested parties, here's my idea;

Today, haunt your local library

In fiction, we often see that it is possible, and relatively simple, to invoke evil spirits in a library. But surely that concept had to stem from reality?

Today, test this idea. Go to the horror/occult section of your local library, open an Aleister Crowley book, chant some Satanic verse, and see if evil demons will run rampant amongst the aisles. Happy haunting!

Above: A really poor photo of my task. Admire that beautiful ghost drawing!

I suppose my day was very unproductive though, Benrik-wise, seeing as I didn't even get around to sticking this in an envelope... But there's still time.

It wasn't an entirely unproductive day in other terms though. Because I finished my essay. YASSSSS!!! To be fair, it wasn't that stressful, it was probably the easiest essay I've ever written, was just a bit time consuming was all. But I was super happy about getting it done, so went to Jay and Kate's to celebrate.

Due to the freak amounts of snowfall in the UK at the moment, we (Jay, Kate, Meech, and I) realised it was the perfect weather to play in the snow. I kinda didn't want to when I arrived, just 'cos I was so pissed off at some pricks who threw a snowball right into my face on the way up there. But I cheered up soon, and we went and created the most epic snowman ever. Actually, it was more of a snowpig. But we wanted a snowbear. Not a snowmanbearpig. So, we crafted it as such, geniously using teabags as eyes and nose, and eyeliner for the mouth. It was beautiful. However, with the redonculous amount of snowfall today, it didn't have a face for long. It was still beautiful though.

Meech and I walked home later, marvelling at how beautiful the snow was. It was quite difficult having to trundle through all the snow, and got pretty exhausting. Meech and I signed off at the traffic lights we used to hang around at in 2008, which made me really nostalgic. Good times, just seeing those traffic lights makes me happy! I'm hoping for more good times at THE lights in the immediate future!

Day 6: Today, try food that scares you

During the day previous, the one in which Chris and I had converted subsumer society (or something like that), I showed him some of the cool stuff in my room. One of the things I had was a game called 'Bite The Bullet', which consisted of 13 chocolate bullets, a 12-sided die, and 2 of the aforementioned bullets containing chilli inside them. I now remember something about being at Jay and Kate's the previous night, and that was that Chris and I played this game. Amazingly enough, we both stumbled across the chilli bullets on our very last goes. What are the odds? I assure you they didn't taste nice, although they weren't quite as bad as I expected, seeing as the package was like 'This shit is so spicy it will cave your fucking face in!' (it didn't actually say that, unfortunately). But it wasn't nice, and I was, I'll admit, mildly scared of it. Actually, I was terrified, seeing as the best before was something like halfway through 2009. I know I should have saved the scary food for the day after. But, you see, I did!

See, also in my room was a gift I got about two years ago, from Nicole and Alex (who also bought me the 'Bite The Bullet' game, they want to systematically destroy my taste buds I think). It was a lollypop! EUUUUUURGGGGGHHHH! But, more than that (and I like lollypops really), it was a vodka flavoured lollypop. And it had a scorpion in it. So today, well, Wednesday 6th, I ate a scorpion.

I met up with my friend Mat at Uni during the day, so we could work on our essays. I got a huge amount done, which I was stoked about, and still had time to fuck around with Mat, searching for the very end of the internet, by which I mean the most disgusting stuff there is on the internet. Oddly, through all the Japanese squid porn and stuff I'm going to hell for laughing at, the thing that repulsed me the most was 'Simpsons' porn. It's WRONG! I just can't believe that someone would take so much time to craft a picture of Homer doing Lisa. And then jack off over it. It genuinely worries me. I think, in terms of legal stuff at least, that IS the end of the internet. Yes, stuff can be much grosser or whatever, but in terms of just straight-up weirdness, I can't help but think that images of yellow cartoon characters indulging in incest is about as niche and odd as a fetish can get. It disturbs that these people watch 'The Simpsons', and probably think "You know what, this is great, but it'd be much better if Marge was blowing Bart..." WRONG! Just wrong! And that's not even going into the fact that a lot of it is paedophilic. Ewwwwwww.

I can't believe I just went off on a tangent about 'Simpsons' porn. Well, at least I'm not endorsing it or anything. Anyways, at some point during essaying/worrying-about-humanity, I released THE lollypop - the Vodkalix Scorpion flavour. They had other varieties too, such as ants, or worm. Gross. I think I lucked out with the scorpion. First things first, the actual lolly tasted nothing like vodka. Which is a good thing, straight vodka doesn't do it for me. It just tasted... Sugary really. Like a sugar flavoured lolly. Weird. Not as weird as the scorpion though. It took a while to get to (the anticipation was the worst part), and I started with the tail. Then the pincers. Then the body. It didn't taste TERRIBLE. It didn't taste very nice either. It tasted like a weird mix between marzipan and pure cocoa powder. The worst thing, though, was that it was very bitty, which wasn't very comfortable. Knowing that I had little bits of scorpion in my mouth wasn't the best, I have to say.

Above: A VERY sexy picture of me eating a scorpion.

Unbeknownst to me at the time of eating, the treated Chinese scorpion contained within the sugary cage was also apparently an aphrodisiac. And, I have to say, without wanting to disturb any potential readers, I was quite horny that day. I promise you that I was not horny during seeing the 'Simpsons' porn though. Which works as something of an anti-aphrodisiac. At least I know where to look if I ever want to be completely turned-off though. For whatever reason I might want to be turned-off.

Later that evening, Mat and I went to see 'Daybreakers', which I personally thought was pretty damn awesome. It was stupid, but it knew it was stupid, without being too self-deprecating at the same time, which I like. One of the more fun films I've seen at the cinema in quite a while, loads of inventive ideas, over-the-top gore, and, of course, Sam Neill being a badass. Not quite as badass as eating a scorpion, of course, but what is? Eating a live scorpion, perhaps? If I ever have to do this task again, I know what I'm doing...

Day 5: Today, subvert consumer society from within

Above: Me, Chris, and cards which didn't photograph very well.

Even more delays! I swear I will get back on track soon! Promise! If I don't you have every right to blog about how much of a bad blogger I am. Name me and shame me. It's what I deserve! But in all seriousness, my essay is now finished, so blogs should be a bit more frequent, but I won't let blogs get in the way of my social life. Because my friends are the best!

I'm now blogging about Tuesday, where Benrikians were required to subvert consumer society by placing little messages in products in shops that will hopefully make the said consumer society feel bad about their purchases. As Chris was also following the Book, we decided to hit town together - double the subversion! I cut out the cards from my current book, and from last year's Diary (I bought the book after this task, but it was one that I thought sounded awesome and was sad that I missed out on - thank you for giving me another chance Benrik!) and went to town to hopefully hit the public even harder emotionally than my terrifying middle finger based onslaught the day previous!

Chris and I cleverly decided to be a bit subtle in our attack, we'd look around shops for a while innocently, then slip our cards of guilt into relevant items. We first hit up Marks & Spencer, as this sold a nice variety of clothing and home items. Or so we thought. Actually, it's mostly clothing and food. Chris slipped a card into a really expensive meal he saw in there, as he felt it deserved it. I didn't know this at the time though, he was so sneaky I had no idea he did it. We then went to the clothes section and I snuck a card into a shirt pocket. Very badly. Whereas he kept getting rid of his cards in really subtle ways. Impressive! In fact, he was so good at it that by the time we left M&S he had about 5 cards left, while I had 7.

We then went to Burton/Dorothy Perkins. We started by throwing some cards into some ladies boots we saw near the entrance. During which, I very subtly said loudly 'Hmmmm, I wonder if my girlfriend would like these?' No one would suspect a thing! Unless they knew I didn't have a girlfriend... We then went to the Burton section and Chris put a card into a bag. Specifically the card you're supposed to put into a bag. He opened it up and had a look inside it, making sure that the bag was 'to his liking'. On the way out, I had a look in some lady's bags. During which, I very subtly said loudly 'Hmmmm, I wonder if my mum would like this?' No one would suspect a thing! Unless they knew I didn't have a mum... Oh wait, I do. But the bag was ugly, I hope mum wouldn't have liked it.

Next up - vases! Specifically for the 'This vase is expensive yet empty - same as you?' card. This was actually really quite difficult, vases don't go by often in town. Chris went to a shop called Glyph to do his, and fortunately, there was a vase in there. But, even better, and for reasons I won't disclose, it was good way for Chris to exact a small vengeance on someone who is closely linked to that shop... I went to Abbeygate Lighting, an, ahem, lighting, and other aesthetic goods, store. Which was closed due to a power cut. Despite all the lights being on inside. Ooooookay. I went to the Wharf instead, where they did have vases, it's just that that they were completely clear glass vases. Oh well, seeing as nowhere else seemed to do vases, I slipped one in. It didn't even hit the bottom, resting very obviously just above the base. We quickly high-tailed it out of there.

Above: FAIL!

We also went to Boots sometime between vase hunting, for the perfume card. Neither of us really knew where the perfume was, so we attacked other items instead. Chris saw a big, expensive kit which was specifically designed for foot fetishism, sorry, I mean foot care, which I incredibly unsubtly slapped a card onto. We looked at other objects, looking for expensive stuff in particular, and I put one of mine in a pricey box of... Actually, I don't remember what it was. But it was quite expensive. So it had it coming! By this point Chris was almost out of cards, though I still had a couple more left.

Next up, we looked for even more expensive items for our last few cards. Especially the 'Have you read any Marx lately, you capitalist swine?' card, one of my faves. We had a look in a classy antiques store, but there was nothing quite expensive enough. Fortunately, next to this was a big department store. We went in and looked for the most expensive items. Which we'd decided were fridges. So we put the cards in the fridges, gaining lots of weird looks on the way out. But not before Chris thought that he might be able to put the card intended for a car in a toy car. Clever! But, believe it or not, there were barely any toy cars in the store. So we went hardcore. No, not sexually hardcore. That was way later...

We went to a car lot and considered asking to have a look in some cars and try and sneak them into the glove compartments. Alas, we didn't have a good feeling about the first one we went to, so went to another. Which we had an even worse feeling about. So we just snuck the cards under the windscreen wipers of some random cars, and, with that, finished our subversion! What I found funniest was probably the fact that there is a shitload of CCTV footage of us going around town and looking at slightly unusual objects, and just generally looking suspicious (I kept looking for cameras too, because that won't alert anybody watching the surveillance footage...).

After this, which was definitely the most fun I've had tasking so far, Chris came to mine for a bit, where we played poker badly (we weren't entirely certain on the rules), which he won. We then played a bit of bass, conversing about how ludicrously difficult Michael Jackson's 'Beat It' is, despite it sounding pretty simple. We then headed off to Jay and Kate's (eventually, we forgot just about EVERYTHING we had each time we left). Which was an awesome night, but I can't really remember much that happened that particular night, seeing as I've spent the last couple of nights there too. But I know I had a lovely time! I wrote that much in my diary! And having a lovely time is the important part. Right, guys? Please don't kill me for forgetting!

Day 4: Discreetly give the finger to people all day today

Sorry again that this is so belated. Been busy doing essay, and have finally got my social life back, so I'm struggling to fit in the time for blogging right now. To the point where I'm doing it at stupid o'clock in the morning. But I'm not gonna complain, because my essay is now finished, and I'm getting to see my beautiful friends a lot more. Got a few blogs to catch up on though. Expect this message at the beginning of every entry...

On Monday, I simply had to give the finger to people. Perferrably without them noticing. Brilliant! Gonna be fun! However, in the morning I was home alone, which did not give me a good oppertunity to show people that I hated them with the power of my finger. I could also show people I like them with my finger, but that's another thing entirely, nobody ever seems to want that! Crude, obvious jokes aside, I decided that my bird-flipping action wasn't going great, so headed off into town, partly because I really wanted a chicken burger, but mostly so I could say 'FUCK YOU!' to everyone, and (hopefully) not have to face any negative consequences.

So, the entire time I was in town I held on to my bag, middle finger extended as seen in the photo above, a silent obscenity to anyone who dares cross my path! I think a few people may have noticed, but giving the finger is all about not giving a fuck, so I didn't. No fuck was given by me today! I headed into Favourite Chicken to get a stupidly overblown, in terms of ingredients and calories, chicken burger, and waited patiently, middle finger still distended. Which I purposefully aimed at the man waiting behind me in the queue. I even made it more obvious when my sleeve went over my hand by lifting it up and bringing attention to it. And I made sure that, upon paying for my burger, I held my £5 note with my middle finger, and passed it over to the guy at the counter like this. Scary, but also incredibly liberating. Can't explain why. On the way home I continued my reign of finger-based terror. Which left me with a very cold middle finger when I got home. But it was SOOOOO worth it.

During dinner, I made sure to 'rub my eye' at my family. Then, with no one noticing that, hold out my middle finger and proclaim 'I think I got what was in my eye. What is it though...'. Everyone noticed eventually. By the end of dinner I was just straight up giving the finger to everyone. Just because I thought it was funny.

Later I went to Jay and Kate's. The walk there was great, with me constantly 'scratching my face' at strangers. In fact, I got so into it that I actually just gave the finger without trying to hide it to some passing cars. This task possibly bought out the dickhead in me. And I loved it! It was the first time I'd seen Jay and Kate in a while, so it was lovely to see them again, I missed them lots! We watched 'Love Actually'. Which I was told was one of the happiest films ever. A while back I made a blog saying it would be funny if it was actually as depressing as 'Requiem For A Dream'. Okay, so NOTHING will ever touch 'Requiem...' for depressing film stakes. NOTHING. But 'Love Actually' did actually depress me. I think it's because it was all so perfectly happy (with some exceptions), whereas I was feeling a bit cynical about love recently (see my blog about The Love Of Your Life day. If you want to, I'm not forcing you). I appreciate that if I was in love I would probably see the happy side. But as it was it just made me wish for something I don't have. It's wish fulfillment for those who have already had their wish fulfilled. I felt really bad about not liking it though, seeing as it's one of Jay's favourite movies. While not a great movie (I couldn't get in to the characters, above all), it had some good laughs, so I didn't hate it. But I just felt really bad at disliking something that someone else loves so much.

Jay took revenge by later taking the piss out of 'Face/Off'. Which is the greatest film of ALL TIME. Or not. But it is awesome. Throughout staying at theirs, I had been giving the finger to them behind their backs a lot. But I felt bad about it, so just decided to straight up finger them (bad phrasing) later on. Good times! We watched a show about urban legends, which I think was called 'Urban Legends', and all guessed that the man falling down the sewers and travelling a few miles was probably fake. Turns out it wasn't. That show pretty much gave us the finger with that...

Day 3: Advise your military today

Right, I know I really should be doing my essay right now, but it's actually driving me mad that I'm running behind on blogs a bit, I feel so behind the times! So, I'm gonna update this now, and work my arse off on my essay tomorrow and Thursday. As it is, despite being long, it's a pretty easy to write essay anyway, and is going far better than I thought it would, and don't have much left to do at all. So, I'm not overly worried about it. And sorry Jay! I know you said you won't have any more sex with me if I didn't do my essay tonight, but you know you'll be back for more! For our crazy mid-air sex and BRRRRRRRRAHHHHHHing of course!

So I'm writing here about Sunday, where I had to help out our military by sending a letter to an army personel and advise them as to any oncoming attacks. Well, I didn't do this exactly, because I have no idea how you're supposed to write to someone from the army. Finding out a name isn't too hard, but how do you find out their regiment and their position and all that stuff? I was very tempted to send an e-mail to a guy I vaguely know (was 'friends' with a few years back) who happens to be in the army. But I figured it may perhaps be a bit obvious if I e-mailed this guy I haven't talked to in ages some bullshit advice about potential attacks coming their way or something, as exampled in the book. I considered doing it from a different e-mail address, claiming anonymity, but, after ages of umming and ahhing, I had a far better (read: stupider) and edgier idea...

I would become friends of the British Army on Twitter! And thus, with this beautiful relationship having blossomed, I could help them in some way. I wasn't keen on the idea of sending them something from my normal Twitter profile however (I use that for DEADLY SERIOUS purposes), so i made a new one. Everyone, say hi to Colonel Stephen Quarritch - http://twitter.com/cnlquarritch! In case anyone thinks that name sounds familiar, Quarritch is the badass motherfucker villain in the hit blockbuster 'Avatar'. If you haven't seen the film, Quarritch is a super jingoistic, patriotic, macho, military douchebag hard-ass who demands his military to obtain a rare element, called Unobtainium (yes, really), on the beautiful planet of Pandora - and will go to any measures to satisfy his needs. So he seemed like the perfect guy to help out our military, providing there was some dodgy deal going on...

Who is that badass above? The original Quarritch of course. In a giant robot. Holy mother of fuck. If that picture was any more awesome, it would... No, it actually couldn't BE any more awesome...

After giving Cnl Quarritch a nice tweet that totally isn't an exact line from 'Avatar', I sent a short message to the British Army - 'Still lacking helicopters? My military can provide aerial gunships for a good price. We just need to cut a deal...' Oooh, satirical! If you can give it that much credit... I was prepared for further correspondence by letting them know if they launched an attack on one side of Pandora, Quarritch's army could sneakily steal the Unobtainium from the other side. Unfortunately, no replies have been given from the British Army yet. Which is good, cos I don't want Pandora to be destroyed. Plus, it doesn't exist. And nor do the aerial gunships I promised in return for their good work. And nor does Stephen (I just took the actor's first name) Quarritch. So, the 'deal' would have been incredibly fruitless. But I offered 'my' services at least, and that's all that was needed.

On a film, but not military, related note, later that night I watched 'Hotel For Dogs'. Honestly. And it was actually quite good. Genuinely. Dave, Chloe and I planned a 'Doggy Day' a long time ago, where we would go to the cinema one day and quadruple bill 'Hotel For Dogs', 'Marley And Me', 'Beverly Hills Chihuahua', and, of course, the doggiest of all these films, 'Slumdog Millionaire'. Unfortunately, all these films were released at different times, but I still vowed to see them all. And now I have seen the entire tetralogy. And 'Hotel For Dogs' was actually quite good. I had been in a shitty mood the last few days, so I needed something to cheer me up. And what could cheer me up more than a hotel for dogs? Nothing! That's what!

Okay, maybe Quarritch kicking arse in a giant robot could. Hells yeah!

Day 2: The Love Of Your Life

This is Saturday's task, where I'm simply required to gaze at everyone lovingly, consider whether they are 'the one', and if I think they are, then act on my desires. Yeah, right. This is the second day of life change, my balls aren't quite big enough to approach a complete stranger and tell them that I think they are the one for me. If I were to do it, I would have to push up my glasses and lick my lips as I did it for comic effect...

Besides, we all know that my heart is reserved for Lylith. Ahhh, Lylith, you massively mammaried beauty! You will be my dairy queen! Haha, if this blog entry gets anymore creepy I might just get investigated...

Above: The TRUE love of my life

Anyway, as it is, no one I saw today was worthy of my love. I instantly ruled my family out. Because it's already established that I love my family, but I don't love them in THAT way. Besides, I have to save that for that Family Love Day that I am totally not looking forward to. So, I headed out to Ipswich today for band practice, and on the train journey up there, searched for the love of my life...

And what a fruitful search it was! Nah, it was terrible. I mean, REALLY terrible. I was hoping the hot, bespectacled emo girl who kept looking at me I saw a few weeks back would be there. But she wasn't. The only people I could see initially were a few chavvy guys. Hmmmm, not really my kind of scene. Partly because they were guys, and I'm not gay. Although, to an extent, I've always thought that if I was particularly unlucky in finding a woman, I could go for a guy. I've had more guys ever flirt with me than girls have, so at least I know it would probably be relatively easy to get IN a gay relationship, even if it wouldn't be so easy to BE in one. Because it wouldn't be truthful to my heart. Which loves girls. Shame.

But mainly, something that matters far more than sexual preference, they were chavs! And I don't think I could ever date a chav, be they male or female. Chavs transcend gender! This is nothing personal against all chavs, I know some chav-esque people who are pretty nice. But dating one? That's a different matter. I don't think I could deal with the other chavs who would no doubt be involved too. Plus, I'm a geek, so I'd be totally incompatible with a chav. Would be interesting if it DID happen though...

I did see a woman with a fringe, which, for whatever reason, I am totally into. But she was a bit too old for me, and clearly had a boyfriend already. In fact, age was one of the main issues, I didn't see anybody who I thought was roughly around my age. Everyone seemed too young or too old. And I know age isn't necessarily important in love. But I'm not a paedophile, nor a grave-robber. So nobody I saw today really captured my heart.

Actually, my bandmates are near enough around my age. The problem being that two of them are guys. And the female member... I just couldn't love her. Or any of them. Sorry guys, I know you're not reading this, but sorry if you do. I shouldn't go into further detail. We're just on WAAAAAAAY different leagues to each other.

Band practice didn't go well at all. We were planning to record some tracks so we could send them to a venue interested in gigs. But all the recording gear fucked up, so that didn't happen. And there were lots of arguments, as usual. When all I want to do is drum. Nothing more, nothing less. Oh well.

However, on the positive (actually, quite negative) side, something Mum told me later that night made me so disillusioned in love anyway. I won't go into details here, but it made me realise that people are shit. And, you know, I've always loved the idea of love. But some people just aren't capable of it, and I'm always so scared that I'll end up with one of those people, someone who will fuck me over and leave me broken hearted. And, I guess, love is one of the only things capable of making people feel that shit. But it can also be the best thing in the world. It should be the best thing in the world. I hope it's the best thing in the world at least. 'Cos otherwise I'm wasting my time filling my head with the idea that it is.

Fuck, this has all gotten very reflective. Jay and I happen to be talking about similar subjects as I'm writing this. Sorry if it's all gotten a bit downbeat, but I've been in a shitty mood today, so I guess that's rubbed off a bit. Besides, I really enjoyed writing it. If you have a problem with that, then I don't love you! And you don't want that now, do you?

Day 1: Warm-up day

Ahhh, a nice and easy start. All I had to do was one of the many featured mini-tasks to help warm me up, and prepare me, physically and mentally, for the next coming 364 days. Methinks maybe the tasks are too simple compared to the following ones, but obviously this wasn't entirely the point, it was blatantly intended as a warm, welcoming mini-challenge and nothing more!

I actually did three of them, because I was determined I would start off my new year with a bang! Actually, I was a bit groggy this day. The previous night I was at an awesome new year's party at Jay and Kate's, drinking dilligently throughout the night! Then, after everyone else left, Jay and I stayed up really late talking, because once you get us two talking, it's near impossible to stop us! And when I say really late, I mean until half 7 in the morning. So, really early I guess. Either way, the next day I was operating slightly hungover and off of few hours of sleep, so I wasn't functioning the best. But I did manage to get three tasks done, when I could have just settled for one. Because that's how fucking dedicated I am to the Book!

Actually, I'd have much rather have gotten more done, and I know Chris got around 7 completed (well done Chris!), but I was tired, okay? YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT? LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!... Sorry about that. Maybe I'm still tired and a little cranky...

I started off by performing a private striptease as I removed my clothes for my morning shower (which, this particular morning, was 4 in the evening). I may have gotten too much into it, flinging my clothes around the bathroom, thrusting my hips, and humming that song from 'The Full Monty' which goes "You can leave your hat on...", which is probably called 'You Can Leave Your Hat On', but I really don't know. I didn't half-arse (geddit?) my private striptease though, and I really feel like I could be a future Chippendale. Where do I sign up?

After my shower, I got ready. I didn't really have anything to get ready for, especially seeing as I was just lazing around all day, but it's just how I do things. I decided that instead of using the normal comb with thin gaps that I often use to brush my hair though, I would complete another task - use a different thickness comb! This one had super big gaps in it, so I don't really understand how anyone could brush their hair with it, although it may may be good for giants. Which has gotten me thinking, is a giant's hair as thick as a regular person's hair, or do they have super thick hair strands? I'd assume they would have bigger hair roots, but who knows? If anybody CAN answer this brain-sizzler, let me know! Anyways, my hair always looks stupid, especially when it's wet and I've just brushed it, but brushing it with this thick, thick comb made it look even stupider, as you can see;

Yes, that is a fallen down poster behind me. I put it back up soon after!

Also, I decided to do one press-up. This wasn't too challenging, seeing as I usually do twenty every day (dunno why, just something I challenged myself to do). But, you know, in the state I was in on Friday, it wasn't the most pleasant press-up of my life. Besides, I'd wasted all my energy on my private striptease...

I also attempted to name my genitals throughout the day. My testicals are already named Lefty and Righty (you can guess which is which), because I'm super original like that. But i feel like they need some personifying, and my penis needs a name too (beyond 'The Destroyer', of course). I failed to think of appropraite names unfortunately. However, just an hour or so ago, I asked Jay for ideas. She came up with Fitzgerald, or Gerty for short, which I very much like! She said if she had a penis she'd name her's Frank. And also that she thinks people's penises often look like someone else's penises. I'm not sure if I know entirely what she's talking about, but it was very amusing. Rambling between Jay and I is the best!

So, this is James, Lefty, Righty and Fitzgerald signing off... P.S. I'm so sorry I've possibly made you think about my penis and me stripping in this post! I will pay for the therapy if you want?

Start The Riot!

Hello everyone, and a happy new year to y'all! On my last blog post I did intend to write up my new year's resolutions, but totally didn't want to! Nah, I'm kidding, I just forgot. So, with a little bit of inspiration from my best friends, here are my new year's resolutions, plus stuff I want to do over the course of 2010;

- Be more sociable - go out when invited out, see friends more

- But also see more of my family too

- Try to make an effort with Dad, in the hope that maybe he'll make an effort with my sisters and I. Maybe he doesn't deserve it, but I'm not someone to be bitter at people

- Do my Benrik tasking to the best of my ability

- Take more photos

- Spend less on shit that I don't need

- On a similar level, 'treat myself' less. If you catch my drift. I kinda hope you don't. But if you do, I'm not addicted or anything, I always just feel kinda guilty and lonely afterwards. Because I'm weird

- Try my hardest at everything

- Try to go to some gigs. And if Jesu are in the UK, DEFINITELY go to one of their gigs

- Learn to cook

- Be less opinionated

- Get a job

- Be happy

- Keep blogs consistent, hopefully

- Finish the current script I'm writing

- Get better at bass

- Actually pass my second year this time

- Gain weight - No, I'm not taking the piss out of everyone who says they want to lose weight, I think I'm disgustingly skinny, and don't think it would hurt to be a bit bigger

- Help out my friends with their new year's resolutions

- Stop accidentally writing/saying 'revolutions' instead of 'resolutions' and having to go back and correct my mistake

And I think that's that for my kinda long list of stuff. I'm looking forward to improving myself on these levels, and this whole year in general. It's gonna be awesome!

Today, I officially start some immense tasking in the form of 'This Book Will Change Your Life'. Things will start off easy, but it doesn't take long for them to get hardcore. I fully expect to end this year with; a criminal record, physical scars, psychological scars, no money at all, fluency in Esperanto, a ridiculous amount of quiche in my house, and much more besides. Even though I have strictly speaking done today's task, I will still continue my thing of writing about it the day after - just in case anything should need to be added after I've written my day's entry. So for today's entry I'll fill you in on my filling in - of the opening forms of the Book that is.

This Book Will Change Your Life belongs to: James Small

Stranger: If you find this Book, please return it to me if I know the secret word (which is didgeridoo) and I will give you sexual favours.

Personal details

Photo (Before): There's meant to be a photo here, but I can't get my fucking camera to plug into the computer properly. So fuck it, maybe someday soon, I will ACTUALLY be able to put photos on my blogs.

Name: James Small

Address: I wrote it down, but I'm not divulging that on the internet you cheeky buggers!

Phone (home): Same as above.

Phone (mobile): Nope, sorry.

Email: Rivers_315@hotmail.com

Computer IP address: God knows

Date of birth: 24/10/1988

Social security number: ??? (I genuinely don't know)

Bank details A/C: Not telling (I didn't even write this down in the Book, along with a lot of the following answers...)

Sort code: Still not telling

Internet password: ****** (Hint: It's not actually six asterisks)

Credit cards: Don't, have, any

Pin numbers: Or, do, I?

Burglar alarm code: A secret

Role model: Justin K. Broadrick

Aspiration in life: World's greatest director/musician

Childhood dream: Video game designer

Claim to fame: Benrikian of the Month, December 2009

Definition of beauty: Niceness

Explanation of evil: Horribleness

Other details you deem relevant: I have not taken most of this seriously

Completely unnecessary detail: I just ate chilli beef lasagne

Compromising detail: I love you (don't tell anyone!)

Is this book a gift?: No

In case of emergency

IN CASE OF ACCIDENT

Name of GP: Dr. Riiiiiip and Nurse Proddenfeel

Phone: ?

Medication: Tetrasyl 300

Previous operations: None

Limbs I would rather not have amputated: Toes on left foot

Organs I would rather not have removed: Balls

Current blood group: A/O

Preferred blood group: O

IN CASE OF AMNESIA

My favourite colour: Green

My favourite food: Pizza

My lucky number: 13

My sexual orientation: Straight

My best foot: Right

My best friend: All of them!

My most annoying habits: Biting nails, being annoying

IN CASE OF SUDDEN DEATH

Person to contact: My mother

Phone: Oh no you don't!

Break the news to them gently?: Yes

Confession (my worst sin): I did mean schoolboy pranks to someone I won't name, because I'm no longer being mean to them

I want to be: Cremated

Song to be played: Jesu - 'Weightless & Horizontal'

Do not invite: Adolf Hitler

Epitaph: 'If only he hadn't have done that task'

Lasting regret: Never saying sorry

My stuff goes to: Everyone in the world, shared out equally

Dear anybody who reads this, please go to my room and remove the stash of heroin from inside my TV before my poor mother finds it.

IN CASE OF THERMONUCLEAR WAR

Favourite isotope: Springfield Isotopes

Country where you agree to meet up with your loved ones within 10 years: Not yet discussed. Will have to be arranged though.

Woah, that was exhaustive. Hopefully I didn't divulge too much information and won't get my identity stolen. Would serve me right though if I did, I'd learn my lesson. Besides ALL the information was deadly serious! Especially about the heroin in my TV, and my doctor's names.

So, tomorrow I should, hopefully, begin blogging about my actual tasks. Stay tuned, folks! Oh, and for tomorrow: Happy new day! I don't see why a year should be so much more important than a day...