January

Okay, so I really wanted to blog each and every seperate day of my tasking, so that I could go into detail about everything, but that all went to shit through my computer deciding to systematically destroy itself at every available oppertunity. Not that you can blame it really, I wouldn't much fancy being constantly prodded with my fingers either. Because of all this, I've decided fuck it, maybe I can do daily updates if my computer ever works and I manage to get up to date in the first place, but I don't look forward to catching up to that point with singular blog entries, so I've decided instead I will cap off January with this blog entry, I guess that will be a nice start. I won't go into loads of detail like I usually do, but let's face it, that's probably a good thing.

Day 23: Choose your final meal on death row and make it
I kind of cheated - I'm rubbish at making food. So instead I ordered it! Besides, my favourite kind of food is Chinese food, and you just can't beat Chinese takeaway. I got the following;
Special chow mein
Special fried rice
Barbecue ribs
Chips (for Jay)
On top of this, I needed oral lubrication and desert. I chose orange Lucozade for the former, and Refreshers bars for the latter, seeing as I was addicted to both at the time. It was an extremely unhealthy meal. But it was also supposed to be my last ever meal...

Day 24: Today, smile innapropriately
Jay and I, being the loving couple that we are, insult each other A LOT. Whenever she insulted me today, I just took it on the chin and smiled. Although I always smile, because our abuse aimed towards each other is funny. Whenever I bought up an upsetting topic I made sure to smile too. Chris said something really depressing later that evening, and smiled broadly. I forgot why at first, but then joined in.

Day 25: Today jump a queue
I didn't jump a queue today. I planned to, and I was stalking around Tesco for a while, looking for the perfect queue to jump. But I was really worried about it, 'cos I'm a pussy. Plus, the queues were shit. I finally decided on the queue I would jump and... it went before I had a chance. Lame.

Day 26: Today help destroy an ugly building
I didn't do this either. My life can't change with this pathetic tasking! I planned to maybe chip a bit of paint off this really ugly house with a nautical design near where I live. But I didn't. I had friends to see, and I guess my social life came first this day.

Day 27: Today write the opening sentence of your debut novel
'I don't know much about life to be honest with you, but I do know this; The closer you come to dying, the closer you come to living.' My debut novel will be a spy novel about an amateur secret agent who has to face the morality of killing others to accomplish what needs to be done for his job. It will subvert the genre a bit; a thinly-veiled James Bond rip-off gets killed in action for not focussing on his job and indulging in hedonism instead. The opening sentence needs a little work, but I will one day write the novel. Promise! Maybe.

Day 28: Today, return all your junk mail
I didn't have any physical junk mail of my own to return to sender. Fortunately, I get junk-ish stuff all the time from this indie music online magazine called Dummy, which I never signed up for and don't give a shit about, so I returned their very e-mail to them.

Day 29: Today, eat wrong
I ate really unhealthily all day;
Coco Pops and milk for breakfast, slathered in fresh cream, natch
Lucozade (of course)
Pizza. Really greasy pizza. I think
Cheesy garlic bread
Pork scratchings
I felt really sick by the end of the day.

Day 30: Everybody scream today!
Whilst doing my paperround with Jay in tow, at 20:07 as guided by the book, very near a pub, Jay and I stopped and screamed as loud as possible. She screamed 'FUCK!' to make it even better. I kept screaming and screaming. It killed my throat. Felt good though. Screaming, that is, not the sore throat.

Day 31: Groom someone on the net today
This failed epicly. Jay and I tried for quite a while to find a decent chat room, but no one uses them anymore. I figured I'd try and create an online band, so I found a music chat room, and found somebody named 'Ilovedrummerboyz'. I'm a drummer boy! Unfortunately, when I PM'd her, she never replied. Nobody else was interested in the band either. Chat rooms are SOOOO 20th century.

So there you go, the last third of January in a nutshell. Next up - February! Who'd have thought it?

Day 22: Be a pathological liar for a day

Let it first be known that I lie a lot. Don't worry, I never lie seriously. I just like making up stupid stuff to see if people believe it. Like saying that Steve wanked in the garden the day before. I dunno why I do this, but I always do, I find it funny to see people's reactions when they find out that I am in fact a dirty, filthy liar.

This love of humorous fibbing became my enemy on this day however. My lies are always so ridiculous, it's not often that people believe them. Secondly, most people I talk to are used to my bullshit by now, so the effect has been somewhat reduced over time. Throughout the majority of the day I said really stupid lies to Jay and Meech. I said LOADS of stuff, but they only believed two. And by 'they' I mean Jay, 'cos I don't think Meech was there for my effective pathological lies.

The first one was a wee bit harsh. Whilst waiting for the bus to meet Meech, Jay got excited and yelled in my ear to scare me. Of course, me being the prick that I am, I pretended that it hurt. That it REALLY hurt. I was groaning in faux agony for ages, claiming I had tinnitus. I really had her going for a few minutes. When I told her I was lying she was not happy. She felt really bad about hurting my ear beforehand, but afterwards I reckon she wished she had actually hurt my ear. I'd have deserved it.

My second lie was a bit rubbish really. I merely told Jay that the weather was going to be awful later. Which it wasn't, but it could well have been, Britain hasn't exactly had the nicest weather lately. But more than anything, it was a rubbish lie, and when I revealed I was lying at the end of the day (I feel too bad ACTUALLY lying), Jay was nonchalent. After the tinnitus gag, anything's gonna pale in comparison. Especially a really rubbish lie.

Jay and I met up with Meech to head to the cinema, and saw a lovely little film called 'Up In The Air'. Well, I loved it, Jay and Meech didn't seem so keen, though they didn't mind it. I thought it was amazing though, a really nicely-told story, a sharp, realistic script, lots of interesting stylistic tics going on, and it didn't have a throw-up-in-the-mouth sentimental ending. Great stuff.

This led Jay to thinking that I was very cynical, as I seemed to only like films with depressing endings, and because I hate 'Love Actually' with something of a passion. So I proved that I DID have a heart under my stony exterior by throwing on the cutest, sweetest, fluffiest, gwidgiest (I may have made that word up) film ever - 'Nick And Norah's Infinite Playlist'! She agreed that it was a lovely film, and for once we actually agreed on a film! So, all in all, a lovely night watching the loveliest film ever with the loveliest person ever!

Although, don't tell anyone, but I actually lied about liking 'Nick And Norah's Infinite Playlist'... Or am I just lying again? Answers on a postcard...