Days 207-209

Day 207: Today play Traffic Russian Roulette

I walked across two roads near my house without looking. Life-threatening stuff, this task has changed my life in that I am now much more appreciative of still being alive after my nowhere-near death encounters!

Above: One of the many (read:two) deadly (read: vacant) roads I had to face.

Day 208: Today test the power of prayer

I was really hungry and was going into town and fancied a Favorite Chicken lunchtime special - basically a full meal, without a drink, for half the price. But it had gone 2, the time I thought the lunchtime special stopped. So I stopped to pray to God. He answered my prayer and it actually finished at 3! I am now a man of faith! I'm not really, but this could definitely be seen as a miracle...

Above: I believe in miracles, since you came along...

Day 209: Today, lend your mobile to a homeless person and ask them to take your calls, screening out anyone they don't like the sound of.

Yeah... No. I didn't see any homeless people today! Or, that's my excuse at least...

Movie review: 'Dragonball Evolution' (2009)

Well, really, what is there to say about 'Dragonball Evolution'? It is what it is. What it is is batshit crazy, one of those films that seems to have not really been made, but just happened to have emerged from some dark reaches of Hollywood. It's almost impossible to describe. But batshit crazy does it pretty well.

The plot follows young and very Caucasian Goku (Justin Chatwin), a shy geek, who lives with his Asian grandfather, Gohan (Randall Duk Kim). We'll ignore the weird family-race issue, because ultimately this film doesn't give a shit. Anyways, Gohan teaches his grandson the ancient art of Chi, and something about some dragon's balls, but is killed by the evil Piccolo (James Marsters - that's right, Spike from 'Buffy') who wants these Dragonballs to destroy the Earth as revenge for a 2000-year long incarceration for his evil deeds. And our heroes don't want the apocalypse coming about. So they decide to stop him. Honestly, that's as far as the plot goes. Along the way we meet Chi Chi (Jamie Chung, looking fiiiiiine), Goku's love interest, Bulma (Emily Rossum, looking fiiiiiine), a seemingly random girl who wants the Dragonballs to harness energy, Roshi (Chow Yun-Fat, having a blast), Gohan's eccentric master, and the evil, shape-shifting Mai (Eriko Tamura, looking fiiiiiine). Oh, and some other dude who adds nothing to the film, except a romantic subplot with Bulma which is never dwelled on beyond one short scene.

Yeah, it's that kind of movie, where things just happen. It jumps from scene to scene without a care for narrative or character building, it's just, for the most part, action scene after action scene. Some of them are decent, particularly an inventive early fight where Goku beats up a bunch of bullies without hitting any of them. There's also lots of girl-on-girl fights, which is probably pretty hot if you're into that type of thing. But by the end, the action scenes become as incoherent as the structure, descending into retina-searing blasts of Photoshop filters battling against each other. The special effects are serviceable; they're not brilliant, but they suit the cartoonishness of the film. In fact, early on, when it's at it's most comic it's a bit of a guilty pleasure; an obvious yet amusing joke involving Goku's animé hair, Goku fantasising about Chi Chi in the most cliché fashion possible. But the plot becomes all too serious towards the end, which is just ridiculous considering it has no plot. Save for Chow Yun-Fat, of course, having fun, and keeping boredom away with a funny and eccentric performance, nailing the animé aesthetic perfectly.

The acting... Well, it might be good, but given the lines the cast have to spout it's honestly hard to tell. Kudos to all for talking about Dragonballs without cracking a smile though. I may be one of the only 21-year-old geeks who hasn't seen the original animé series, so I can't comment on it's faithfulness, but it's odd to think such a long-running series could spawn a film with virtually no plot. It's entertaining in places though, and, to let my journalistic ethics slip (as if I'd do that), the women in the film are absolutely smoking, and two of them have fringes, which makes this better than any other film on the same level of entertaining awfulness.

2/5

Days 201-206

Day 201: Today, tattoo a banana.

I scraped some teeth, a nose and eyes into a banana, to make a glorious smiley face. I attempted a blacked-out missing tooth (cliché, I know), but it didn't work out too well. Then I presented it at our front window. Hopefully my art inspired creativity in others!

Day 202: Today, make a shrine about someone you don't know but see on a regular basis, then show it to them.

I didn't do this, but I did consider doing it over Facebook or something. I looked forward to my future reputation as a creep.

Day 203: Eight million ways to die

I didn't list my preferred ways of dying from one to one hundred. For what it's worth though, I'd like to die in my sleep most (even though it's apparently non applicable, but it's on the list, so...). Least favourite? To be buried alive. Euuurghhh.

Day 204: Poetry Day

I didn't come up with a line for the world's longest poem. Damn, must task harder. (Hint: I probably won't)

Day 205: Sense-less Day - Go through today without using your sense of: taste

I held my nose while eating breakfast, but it didn't work, and I didn't feel like investing in sore throat anaesthetic. I tasked very mildly! Yay!

Day 206: Recover your umbilical cord today

I asked mum if she knew where my umbilical cord is, but she doesn't. She doesn't even know who the midwife was. Shame.

Film Review: 'Waveriders' (2008)

'Waveriders' is a documentary by Joel Conroy about surfboarding. And is exactly as thrilling as it sounds. To be fair, if you're into surfing then it probably holds more interest for you. But for non-surfers, it's, well, people riding up waves. Over and over again.

Some backstory as to why I watched this? Well, I've been a minor fan of extreme sports since I started playing the 'Tony Hawk's' video game series, way back when. Skateboarding was always my primary interest (if you need proof as to why skateboarding is awesome, YouTube search Rodney Mullen), I was just never huge into it because I can't skate for shit. Other extreme sports (BMXing, motocross, etc.) were also interesting to me, quite probably because I know that it's some crazy stuff I could never do. But surfboarding never hugely appealed. There's a person, a board and waves. And that's about it. Not loads of convenient ramps and rails and jumps to trick off of. Just a person, a board, and some waves.

So, I watched this documentary as an attempt to, not necessarily get into surfing, but to at least see what the fuss was about. As it is, I couldn't see it. The documentary is very well made, filled with tight editing, lush ambient music, and some truly gorgeous photography. Perhaps it occasionally follows some classic documentary clichés too far, such as unnecessary overexposed filters over scenes for no good reason. But hey, it's a staple of the genre, and technically speaking, this film is solid. The primary focus of the film is, oddly enough, the surfing scene in Wales (although it occasionally, and wisely, thematically speaking, moves away from this particular subculture), so we get some beautiful locations. Huge cliffs loom over the dark waters and the surfers do what they do best, which is to rip some gnarly barrels (non-extreme sport fans beware; the film occasionally features some lingo of the scene, which may leave you bewildered as to what they, and I, just said).

The most interesting part of the film is it's brief history of surfboarding, which in it's extreme sports form was pioneered by George Freeth, Jr - the man who also, apparently, invented modern lifeguarding as we know it. There is also some focus on the pros of the sport, and, of course, a couple of talking heads, all narrated by Cillian Murphy. But it's hard to feel as passionate as the featured characters do for a sport which, visually, looks only interesting the first few times you see it. The film runs at a mere one hour twenty minutes, yet feels much longer, due to the repetitive nature of seeing someone carve a board up and down a wave ad nauseum. You admire the passion behind the film, but it's just far too thin a topic to spread to feature length, and as such would have worked far better as perhaps a half-hour TV special, or perhaps to have had more focus on surfing's impact globally.

Overall: Technically solid, but just not all that interesting.

2/5

More tasks y'all

Day 182: Change Osama's mind today

Here's my beautiful peon to peace;

Dear Mr. Bin Laden, I am James Small of Felixstowe. I am writing to respectfully invite you to reconsider your global "jihad" against the West. You clearly thought it was right at the time, but I believe that now you should call it quits. Here is my reason why: because karma's seriously gonna come and bite you on the arse if you don't stop. To be fair, it's probably too late to avoid the bad karma altogether, but you might as well stop while you're ahead, otherwise it will just build up and get a lot worse. I hope this convinces you. If so, please tell your fellow jihadists. I look forward to a future of peace.
Yours truly,
James Small

Day 183: First impressions are crucial in life. Today hand this to a stranger and find out what impression you made.

I attempted to find a good stranger, but I'm a shy little pussy. When I finally manned up, the old woman I asked said she didn't have the time for it. Blast!

Day 184: Play the stock market today

I didn't do this. I wouldn't know how.

Day 185: Today: Rearrange your local supermarket according to your own preferences

Chris and I rearranged Solar as thus;

We put stuff in tubs on sale

We moved trolleys to the middle of aisles

We put cereal and syrup in the freezers

We put cereal with the detergents

We moved chocolate bars to the stationary aisle

And such other stuff. Was awesome fun =)

Day 186: Today place flowers on an old unattended gravestone

Jay, Chris and I placed flowers at lots of gravestones.

Day 187: Today answer spam emails

I attempted to reply to some HSBC phishing scams, but it wouldn't let me reply.

Day 188: Cheerleader Day

I didn't cheer up everyone around me.

Day 189: Get admitted to a mental hospital today

For some reason, I decided not to do this one. Hmmmmm.

Day 190: Living History Day: Today, live the life of a 13th century peasant

Nor this one.

Day 191: Have all your food tasted for poison today

I didn't really do this one either, but Michelle ate a crusty, disgusting pair of jelly lips in a pack of sweets for me. It wasn't poisoned, thankfully.

Day 192: Defy superstition today

I wanted to do this, but I didn't have time. And then forgot when I did.

Day 193: Rebirth! Today ask your parents to help you stage a realistic reconstruction of your birth.

Ewwww, so many reasons I didn't do this one...

Day 194: Change someone's mind today

I tried to change Jay's mind on some subjects via the medium of blatant lies. Jay is probably the most stubborn person in the world though, so it was futile.

Day 195: Leave a note on someone's car windscreen

I left a note saying the following;

DON'T FORGET TO INDICATE!

5 million people are injured every year by drivers who don't indicate. Don't make it 3 million and one.

INDICATION - IT'S NOT A BLACK OR WHITE ISSUE... IT'S A LEFT OR RIGHT ISSUE.

Day 196: Today, go see your MP with your suggestion for a new law

I didn't do this.

Day 197: Mini-Prostitution Day

I offered my services over Facebook, and while interest from others was piqued, there were no buyers. Shame.

Day 198: Spend today pretending to be a tourist!

I didn't do this either.

Day 199: Today, agree to meet someone in 10 years' time.

My barely known friend Gav was willing to meet in ten years' time, although no further details have taken place beyond that initial agreement.

Day 200: Dump your partner for the day

Jay and I broke up. Even though she was very aware of this task. I flirted really badly with a checkout girl while single (ie, not at all). I also spouted filth all day.

Sorry my descriptions have been so short, I'm not in the best of moods today. But oh well. I didn't have much to say anyway because I'm a terrible tasker as of late. No worries. I'm finally up to date with tasks, so that's good at least. Yay!

It's Been A Long Time Baby

Sooooo... 'Sup? It's been ages since I've blogged. I've been too busy or lazy or unproductive or whatever. I wanna start up again, 'cos I like writing blogs, it's just effort, y'know? I also wanna add a bit more to my blogs, film/music reviews, my thoughts and ramblings, naked pictures of myself (see deadlyriversxxx.blogspot.com for more on this (sorry, this doesn't exist. Myabe one day though?)). I'm sure I'll soon stop blogging, I always do seem to. But I'll make an effort. Anyway, it's been a long time since I've updated on my tasking, so I'm gonna get that all out of the way with I like to call 'TinyTasks'. I'm copyrighting that shit immediately!

Bear with me, there's gonna be a few...

I attempted to use my remote control to make cats vomit and trigger an immediate orgasm.

I chalked a 'Bad haircuts here' sign outside of a hairdresser's that gave me a couple of bad haircuts.

I sent an inspirational message in a bottle.

I attempted to adopt the neighbour's dog to play with Pepsi.

I couldn't go back to school 'cos it was a bank holiday. Silly Benrik!

I was extremely nice, helpful, and grateful for my existence on Humility Day.

I didn't tip abnormally.

I didn't become a hermit.

I left my left arm exposed all day in an attempt to tan it. Even though there was no sun.

I didn't stalk any well-known writers.

I cold-called some people, but couldn't get any money. Until I gave up and phoned mum. From my house.

I bought Jay some flowers for Pre-Feminism Day.

I am signed up as an organ donor.

I gave Meg and Hannah mini-tasks to smile more often when they see me. And Hannah to pretend like we've never met next time she sees me.

I got some speakers and played some happy tunes around town. But my iPod ran out of battery unfortunately.

I attempted to be as chill as possible for Buddhist Fundamentalism Day.

I was slightly mean to Emily and Anabelle, in an attempt to mess them up and turn them into Picasso.

I handed out no calling cards to strangers.

I left an old, unused wallet on the street. Which got returned immediately.

I am letting one particularly long hair on my arm grow to 1 metre in length.

I couldn't remember my dreams for dream analysis.

Jay and I followed Benrik's directions and went on an epic three-hour walk. It was awesome.

I didn't make a pact with the devil.

I asked Amanda if she wanted to hang out. She was my high school sweetheart, and we still see each other regularly as friends.

I boycotted baby oil. To stop the slaughter.

I didn't give flowers to a stranger.

I didn't become a superhero.

I didn't write a letter to my future self.

All photos make me look ugly. 'Cos I am ugly. So I didn't destroy any.

I sung everything for most of the day.

I didn't bribe anyone.

I sent an e-mail to the BNP suggesting that they attempt to ban any foreign foods entering our country.

I created a 'cave painting' of a 'dinosaur' using Batman's explosive spray (that sounds wrong) in the Batcave in 'Batman: Arkham Asylum'. I did not alert the authorities.

I suggested to the UN that we divide oil shares between all countries.

I ate a tiny bit of fur from a chair, atop a pizza.

I didn't befriend a customer care person.

I'm not in the first couple of thousand or so in the line of succession to the throne.

I left an inspirational message on the train.

I ate lunch with ear plugs up my nose.

I predicted stuff about the future. Possibly right, possibly wrong. Breakfast cereal slogan of the future; 'Nostradamus never predicted cereal THIS good!'

I didn't hitchhike.

I decided I want to be reincarnated as a sexy lady.

I didn't mouth obscenities to passing strangers.

I attempted to twin myself with a Canadian friend. She never replied to my proposal though.

I did not celebrate Children's Day.

Or Reverse Brainwashing Day either. I couldn't think of any second hand opinions.

I wrote a rough draft of my children's book, 'Spootums'.

I was gonna give roses to mum, but roses are expensive.

I didn't dial a random number and read out the given script.

I killed a spider.

I reported a window cleaning van parked mysteriously outside Dena's house to the Anti-Terrorist Hotline.

I tested if the grass was always greener on the other side. It isn't always. Though you may well be ON the other side. Discuss.

I hugged a couple of trees.

I uttered the odd sentence as if I were a global corporation.

I didn't bleed in the book. I'm a pussy and couldn't bring myself to bleed.

I bought a can of Pringles and got one free, as society urged me.

I prayed to God on a hill. No response.

I wrote an e-mail to Kim Jong Il to stop the atrocity! I didn't send it though.

I didn't attend court.

I turned off the TV when a redhead appeared on screen.

I didn't report my fake illnesses to the doctors.

I didn't get criticised. Though I do owe Chris and Michelle my script.

I offered honesty over Facebook. Nobody took me up on my offer.

I didn't sell anything that I'd made.

I knocked on every door in my house and at the museum.

I tried to convince Jay I had amnesia and that sex would cure it...

I didn't babysit anyone.

I didn't share anyone's pain.

I didn't make all my tastes mainstream.

I attempted to argue Jay out of purchases.

I didn't impress my librarian.

I didn't open a home restaurant.

I didn't send a letter to a mass murderer.

I went on hunger strike 'til my first text of the day. I got it as soon as I woke up.

I recorded mild hanky panky between Jay and I. I didn't post it on the internet.

I didn't sleep in public.

I had an imaginary friend, named Broseph. Only at home though.

I moaned more than usual to act like a teenager.

I didn't live for the moment. Well, I did, but pathetically.

I gave my home address out on the Benrik website. Nobody took interest.

I didn't try out incest.

I didn't request my street be named after me.

I dyed my hair red.

I didn't dig at the end of a rainbow.

I psychoanalysed myself. I'm normal!

I tried the Aversion Diet, but I have a strong stomach, so it didn't really work for me.

I didn't make a citizen's arrest.

I disobeyed Obedience Day.

I didn't divine the will of my ancestors.

I didn't act like a millionaire.

Well, that's it for now of my rubbish tasking. I didn't realise I was that far behind, that's crazy! And I still haven't fully caught up yet. Ho-hum. I'm understandably tired of writing now, so I'm going to leave it here. I promise I'll update soon though!