Top 10 Films Of 2010

Yes, it's been a long time since I last blogged. But I'm back. And I'm not gonna do another rambling 'It's been a long time since I last blogged' intro (half-failed there). Just saying that I am back for my traditional top 10 films of the year. And hopefully I'll start blogging more frequently again. It's my intention, but I make no promises. Anyways! On with the geekiness!

TOP 10 FILMS OF 2010

Here are my possibly controversial, mostly mainstream choices. Bear in mind, there are a LOT of films I didn't get around to seeing this year, whether it's because they weren't released at major cinema chains or because I plain didn't get around to seeing them. So, this is only a top ten based on what I have seen of the year. Duh.

10. 'Bad Lieutenant: Port Of Call - New Orleans'

Let's face it - Nicholas Cage, regardless of whether you like him or not (which you should), is at his best when he's doing batshit crazy. Probably because he is batshit crazy. Cage plays to this strength in the most spectacular way possible in Werner Herzog's hysterical fever-dream of a crime drama. Whether he's assaulting old women, having random, drug-addled sex with a woman in front of her boyfriend, or going all bug-eyed at the sight of a freshly killed drug dealer's breakdancing soul, this is Cage's movie, and one of his best performances. It helps that the film is also brilliant, as surreal and audacious as it is heartfelt and involving.

9. 'Monsters'

I'll admit, I wasn't actually expecting to like this, with many reviews making it sound utterly pretentious. Surprisingly, it really isn't at all. Despite the title, the trailer, the sci-fi tag, etc, this is, above all, a romance. We witness the two main characters meet, initially adverse to each other. As they travel through a quarantined Mexico, invaded by aliens, we're with them every step of the way, and their brilliantly understated love for each other blossoms in front of our eyes. Which is all good and well, and, whilst brilliant, not the stuff of 5-star movies. Until the ending, painful, heartbreaking and shocking, yet tender. This alone makes Gareth Edwards' debut film one of the most affecting experiences of the year. Which probably makes it sound pretentious. Sorry.

8. 'Shutter Island'

So the critics weren't the biggest fans of Scorsese's latest. Personally, I found it hard to see where the complaints were levelled at exactly though. Whilst the twist may be predictable to some, this is no less a film of expert suspense, an old-school, Hitchcockian piece with the pace and verve of modern-day cinema. Every cryptic line of dialogue, every purposefully jarring edit, and every masterfully crafted shot, the kind of which Scorsese does best, all blend together perfectly, leading to a brilliantly ambiguous ending.

7. 'Let Me In'

Let's face it, none of us ever expect a remake to be better than the original. And certainly no one expected it from this film. And, of course, this isn't the opinion of everyone. But most could agree that Matt Reeve's American-language remake of 'Let The Right One In' was at least on par with the source material. I would argue that this is a stronger film, mainly thanks to cutting out the unnecessary subplots of the Swedish original, and two stunning central performances from Chloe Moretz and Kodi Smit-McPhee. This one doesn't retain all of the ambiguity of the original, nor the same level of artiness, but when faced with such superb filmmaking neither of these are complaints, merely observations. This is how vampire films should be done.

6. 'Up In The Air'

Jason Reitman's follow up to 'Juno' sustains the same level of creativity, emotion and undeniable indie charm, yet comes across as a more mature, nuanced film. The genius lies in the relative simplicity - there's no crazy airport chases, no wacky sidekicks, not even a happy ending for the central couple. This film is a little more realistic than that. This does not in any way take away from the humour and the theatricality, it merely grounds it all in something we call life. Which makes it much more affecting when those age-old messages of living your life, loving those close to you, and not letting your job take over emerge. The film hits many themes - family, redundancy, life goals, relationships, jobs - and knocks them all out of the ball park with complete confidence.

5. 'Four Lions'

Chris Morris? Making a film? Quite frankly, there was no way that this wouldn't be amazing. Which surely meant it could only disappoint. Fortunately that wasn't the case at all. Morris' comedy about four radical (and radically misguided) Muslims planning a terrorist attack during the London Marathon (yes, comedy), is quite simply the funniest film of the year. Whether this is because of our four protagonist's (if you can call them that) utter stupidity, or the heady satirical targets it hits, not a minute goes by without a big laugh. Despite the theme though, it's not as controversial it all sounds - the topic is dealt with sharply, of course (this is Chris Morris after all), but also with sensitivity, as we witness the main characters' feelings about the justifications, and eventual doubts, about the attempted attack. Which makes for some haunting scenes, and an incredibly sombre ending. Which somehow manages to be hilarious at the same time. If that's not an accomplishment I don't know what is.

4. 'The Social Network'

What some may refer to as 'The Facebook Film' (which it really isn't about at all), David Fincher's latest is one of the sharpest, most involving films of the year. The razor-witted dialogue impresses, the story fascinates, and the characters resonate. All set to a strange, yet fitting, soundtrack from Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross, of all people. The performances are all excellent, with even the most bastardly characters emerging sympathetic despite their actions. And this film seems to prove, above all, that Fincher can pretty much tackle any subject and make it utterly compelling. Really, I could give a whole bunch of reasons as to why it's great, but it honestly comes down to one thing more than anything else - I was not bored for a single second.

3. 'Inception'

Christopher Nolan is a genius. This was pretty much public knowledge back when 'Memento' stunned cinemagoers back in 2000. But for him to make a film where characters invade a man's subconscious inside one man's dream, inside another man's dream, inside another dream, inside ANOTHER bloody dream (maybe inside a few more dreams), and for it all to come across as coherent and not silly. Well, that takes talent. 'Inception' is a breath-taking film on many levels (within levels, within levels). Keeping up with the spiralling, chaotic plot. Learning more philosophy and facts about dreams than you thought existed. Feeling right there with the confusion of Leonardo DiCaprio's protagonist (like the aforementioned 'Shutter Island', he delivers another stunning performance, proving no one does distressed better than Leo). Marvelling at the mental anti-gravity fight scene, all done with practical effects. And letting out a hearty 'NOOOOO!' at the purposefully ambiguous ending. Oh yes. 'Inception' is an amazing film. Having dreams about it is very disconcerting though, I may add.

2. 'Toy Story 3'

'Toy Story' - amazing. 'Toy Story 2' - even better. 'Toy Story 3' - even better than that. Who'd have thought it? Possibly the only trilogy where every subsequent film gets stronger, 'Toy Story 3' ends it with a bang. And a hell of a lot of tears. Maybe the jokes aren't quite a strong as its predecessor's, but it's hard to care when you're watching a goddamn 'Toy Story' film. The new characters are compelling, ranging from hilarious (Ken and Barbie), to downright evil (naming a character here may be somewhat of a spoiler). The voice work is still as spot on as ever. And, one scene - oh God, that fucking scene - is one of the most heartbreaking and poignant you'll ever see. Followed by an ending, also heartbreaking and poignant, but also bittersweet and fitting. And the perfect ending. Not many things in life are perfect. But it's completely safe to say the ending to 'Toy Story 3' is. And the film as a whole comes very close.

1. 'Scott Pilgrim Vs The World'

I could rave and rave about this film. But I want to keep this relatively short, so; Brilliant characters. Brilliant performances. Amazing special effects. Aesthetically incredible. Unique fight scenes. Sharp dialogue. Perfect soundtrack. Crash And The Boys. Sonic sloth vs sonic dragon. Edgar Wright. Mary Elizabeth Winstead. With multi-coloured hair. In her underwear. Michael Cera, doing something more than his awkward geek shtick. Anna Kendrick. Kieran Culkin, as Wallace Wells, the greatest character. Hell, everyone who stars in it. Fuck it, I'm tired. But quite simply, 'SPVTW' gets everything right. And maybe it's just because I'm also a 22 year-old geek in a band who pines after Mary Elizabeth Winstead. But the film resonated with me. So maybe I'm biased. I don't care. Either way, the filmmaking on display is, bar-none, absolutely astounding. Wright and his cohorts put so much effort into every single frame of the film that it becomes one of the most admirably ambitious cinematic experiences I've ever witnessed. There is a no justice in the world that this film, one so endlessly joyous, crazy, and just straight-up HAPPY, would bomb as badly as it did. But it doesn't matter, because it's number one in MY box-office of the year! Sorry about how cheesy that was.

So there you have it. My writing got progressively worse as it went along, due to my being ill, tired and overheated (and my desperate need for a thesaurus, of course). But there you go. 2011 has a lot to live up to...

It's been a while...

It's been a while since I've posted a blog, so you know what that means. It means I say that I've been incredibly lazy and haven't felt like blogging, haven't felt like tasking, haven't felt like living. It's true. I've been incredibly bored the last few weeks, doing nothing, looking for jobs, applying, never hearing back from them, feeling dejected and like I can't be bothered to look for them anymore. I have done barely anything in the last few weeks, having nothing to do has made me incredibly unmotivated. Yesterday was my birthday, and I honestly can't say I even wanted to celebrate it. But I did celebrate it, I had friends and family come over for an awesome night of drinking and eating and banter, basically, and I'm glad I did. It was a great night, despite that I fell ill at about half 1 and actually had to leave my own party. I am thankful to all my friends who came and everyone who wished me a happy birthday, and gave me lovely presents. I can't wait to watch 'Dexter' Season 2, and read 'A Book For People Who Want To Become Stinking Rich But Aren't Quite Sure How' and the Gamer's Edition of the Guinness Book of Records, and to play drums with my awesome drumstick holster, and to play 'Lego Indiana Jones 2' (when an English copy arrives, Michelle got sent an NTSC copy, curses!). And there's more presents to come too. Good times! Not that birthdays are all about presents, of course. But I kind of like the idea of still being able to celebrate your birthday a little bit after it's actually happened.

I'm 22 now. That's absolutely insane. I still feel 15 to be honest. But I feel a bit more motivated to sort my life out now. Maybe not today, because I still feel a bit shit from my mystery illness today. Hell, I've already taken some responsibility and gave the living room a thorough clean to make up for last night's messy party (that sounds a tad wrong). Okay, so I know that's not much, but considering I've pretty much spent the last few months playing XBox and using the computer, it's something. So I will get off my arse, I will make steps to get a job, and I will not let myself be walked all over - I've been dabbling in self-respect lately, it worked for Scott Pilgrim, it can work for me. Maybe.

I will start tasking again too. I have done a few mild tasks lately, which essentially boils down to studying Ada Peach's life, and increasing my pain threshold by having Jay punch my arm as hard a possible. No, I won't be tasking super hardcore or anything, but really, I never did. I just like the idea of having a little something special to do each day. I've already tasked mildly today, of which I will go more into detail on my next blog.

The fact that I'm actually writing this blog shows that I'm a bit more motivated than I have been in ages to be honest. And let's not fuck around here, I fully expect that I will probably have a lapse in motivation sometime soon, because I do this all the time. I'm a bit of a broken record, and this blog entry is an example of that, it's the archetypal entry I do when I I've already lapsed, and recovered, only to relapse at some point. Which makes me sound firstly like a drug addict, and secondly like I'm in a negative headspace. I'm not, I'm simply being realistic. But I'll try my best not to. Doing stuff is far more fulfilling than not doing stuff. Even if you try and fail, at least you tried. I will smile at the the end of a day if I know I've done SOMETHING productive. And it's been a while since that's happened to be honest. So, I'll stop starting and stopping living, just get on with my life, motivate myself, and if I do lapse, remember that it's so much rewarding to do stuff.

Also, I should probably stop rambling so much... But it's been a while... =)

Day 244: Take our test and find out if you're a psychopath

I promised myself that I would task harder in September, and, well, I haven't. Big surprise. I've had a very busy weekend to be fair, and have been super lazy since. However, I did do this test, and found out that... *Drumroll* I AM NOT A PSYCHOPATH! I am 5 points off though =s I asked Jay to answer the questions, 'cos she knows me better than anyone else, and apparently I'm near psychopathic... But I don't have to worry just yet.

I got the '101 Things You Need To Know... And Some You Don't' book the other day. While it is blatantly meant for children, I'm enjoying it, learning lots of new facts, and looking forward to taking on all the miniature tasks. I should be too old for it, but honestly, I'm a 9 year old in a 15 year old's body, who happens to have been on Earth for 21 years, so it works out great for me!

#9 - Learn That Instrument

Like I promised, I will update y'all on any Things To Do Before I Die that I have done before I die. First one first, learning an instrument! Also probably the only Thing that I've put any effort into...

When did you start to learn your instrument?: 24/10/2004. Roughly, because I think that was the year I got it.

Which instrument have you learned?: Drums

Did you have lessons as a child: No

What age were you when you started learning?: 15

I haven't written any real melodies that I can remember, although maybe I can put in some of my band's original stuff. Haven't done it yet, but will update if I do!

How loud can your instrument go?: 80 decibels (roughly)

Overall, how well do you think you play?: Very good (I'm a modest person, but you've sometimes gotta admit it when you're good at something)

How well do others think you play?: Excellent

Which other instruments can you play?: I am learning bass guitar.

What can you play?: Many, many songs

Have you written your own songs?: Not properly myself yet, but one day in the future hopefully.

Do you annoy others with your playing?: Yes, sometimes.

I haven't ever busked either, so I've left that section blank.

Your first public performance (in a band): No idea, was late last year I think though. Maybe early this year. I really should update these things as I go along.

What was your band called?: Beerwolf, and is still called such.

Where did you play?: The Railway, Ipswich

Did the gig go well?: Yes

Have you been asked back?: Yes

Days 229 - 236

Honestly; there's no point blogging about these days, because I did not do them at all. I've been extremely lazy with tasking lately. I dunno why really, maybe I'm just feeling lazy in general. Some of the tasks just don't seem fun, or require money, a commodity I am severely lacking at the moment. But mostly, I just think I've kind of resigned because I don't feel like I've been tasking well, that if I haven't been doing it properly there's no point continuing it properly. And that I want to redo all the tasks at another time, a time when I can do most of them, when I'll have the money or confidence to go through with them. Don't take this as a letter of resignation though; I will definitely continue to task when I can/can be bothered/want to. In fact, I've actually made a semblance of effort with today's task, which is something, even if all the effort so far has merely been research. But I'll let you know about that tomorrow. Or some other day, whenever I can also be bothered to blog. Like I said, lately I am very lazy. So, this is really just an apology. An excuse for my terrible life-changing. And a promise (hopefully) that one day I'll do it all properly.

Days 227 - 228

Day 227: Handcuff yourself to public fixtures today

I considered doing this one, to the extent that I actually went into town, picked up a pair of handcuffs, and considered buying them. But I decided that 1) I didn't wanna spend any money (not even the astonishing £1.49 they cost), and 2) I didn't want to handcuff myself to a public fixture. So I passed unfortunately.

Day 228: Today lobby Celine Dion to sing about you

I wrote a nice, lengthy letter to Celine Dion, telling her who I am, and that she should write a song about me because I, like her, am extremely passionate about music. Flattery gets you everywhere, so I made sure to mention that she is far superior than me in terms of talent. I've yet to send the letter, but there's no way it can fail!

101 Things To Do Before You Die

This has been a long time coming, but as well as following Benrik's diaries, I also vaguely follow a great book I bought a long time ago - '101 Things To Do Before You Die'. Like it's title may suggest, it offers up a list of, er, 101 things that would be pretty cool to do, and preferably before you die. Now, I haven't done a lot in this book, but I would like to get most of it done eventually. So, I'm starting up a blog to keep everyone up to date with the things I have done in the book.

For new followers, seeing as I will be putting this blog link on the official 101 Things website, my name is James Small. That's all you need to know about me, you'll learn the rest (maybe).

I dedicated my book to, simply, family and friends. That way no one is singled out unfairly.

At the beginning of the book is a list of things you will need. I haven't got everything on there (and never will, seeing as one of them is luck), but here's what I do and do have.

Things I have:

A pen

A pair of scissors

Glue

Money (actually, I don't really any more. This can be in both lists)

A camera

A pack of cards

Poker chips

A strong stomach

Some strangers (I guess we all have them)

Some friends

A partner

Skills (not many, but a few)

A reckless spirit (sometimes)

A world map

Condoms

Clothes

No clothes

An instrument

Various animals

Junk

A passport

A video or DVD player

A television

The sun

The moon

The stars

Fruit (Well, I don't, but I can get some)

Batteries

A good imagination

Spontaneity

A sense of humour

Things I don't have:

Money

A photocopier

Beer

A head for heights

Betting slips

A driving licence

A local map

Alcohol

A dart

A stick of chalk

A balaclava or ski mask

A celebrity

A rock star

A confessional booth

An understanding vicar

Spray cans

A van

A fast car

A bucket

Christmas decorations

An amusement park

A space shuttle

Talent

The Kama Sutra

Luck

Patience (I do sometimes)

Clear skies (I live in Britain after all)

A video camera

A golf club

A golf ball

A suit / outfit

A football

Forward planning

Optimism

These lists are very rough actually and not entirely accurate. And I can get the things I need when I need them.

Now this is just an introductory blog, so I'll go into further details on my things I've done at a later date. But, just for quick reference, and proof that I really haven't lived my life yet, here are the things I have done;

Learn that instrument

Leave your mark in graffiti

Be friends with your ex

I also have 'Design your own cocktail' listed, but I'd like to properly do this one day (ie, remember what was in the cocktail).

I'll update again soon, with exciting details on my learned instrument. Ciao for now!

Days 220 - 226

Prepare for paragraph upon paragraph of the weakest tasking ever!

Day 220: Negative Thinking Day

I forgot to think negative all day. Which worked fine for me, seeing as I had a gig with my band, and it went ace, and my drumming went really well (that's not boasting, just proudness). At the very end of the day, I feared that terrorists may fly into Nicole and Alex's house, where I was staying for the weekend. Terrorists didn't fly into the house. I conclude that both positive and negative thinking work great.

Day 221: Sabotage focus groups today

I didn't do this. I could have at least phoned the number. But I didn't.

Day 222: Today stare into other people's homes

Nor did I do this. I briefly looked into people's houses through my own windows. By briefly I mean 'passing glances', pretty much.

Day 223: Today, make friends with the geniuses of tomorrow

Guess what? Oh yeah. I didn't do this. Shame, as I went to the museum with Jay on this day, would have been a good place to find genii.

Day 224: Today, Dance with Death

Nope, none of this. I didn't want to. Nearly dying scares me more than actually dying in a weird, weird way.

Day 225: Talk to a plant for at least one hour today

I considered doing this... But couldn't be bothered. Sorry.

Day 226: Internet Vigilante Day: Today police the internet yourself

I did do this! Honestly! I went on a random college chat room (after, ingeniously, Googling 'chat rooms'), took on my vigilante handle 'Rorschach' (guess which film I'd watched just before doing this?), and policed away. I chastised people on their use of curse words, or obscene language. I picked on one girl who was CRAZY about anal sex, but she just found it funny. One girl complained of her boyfriend harassing her, so I suggested to her that she ring the police or hire me to assassinate him. Although, she seemed to be the crazy one. And there was one constant spammer sending messages about loving to watch women get fucked by dogs, and inviting us to watch it with him. I told him this was illegal, he was going to jail for distributing such material, and the woman involved in the bestiality would be too. All this between constant Watchmen discussion with a fellow fan on the message board. I think this made up for my week of bad tasking beforehand.

Week Of Revolution!

So, there was a week-long Benrik task in the book last week, which required us loyal readers to start a revolution! How do you think it went? Well, take into consideration the fact that you will have heard nothing about any revolutions on the news. I somehow managed to do worse than that...

Day 214: Week Of Revolution! Underground - Print your own samizdat

I have no printer to print anything with, let alone a samizdat! So, I started up a Facebook status asking people to join my revolution, and to print me out a samizdat proclaiming 'THIS DEMOCRACY IS A DICTATORSHIP IN DISGUISE! LOOK PAST THE LIE!!!' No one did it. Get used to me mentioning Facebook statuses, it seemed to be my base of operations...

Day 215: Week Of Revolution! Exile - Foment unrest away from home

Guess how I went about doing this? Yup, I headed to my "base of operations" and requested that everyone spread some civil unrest as far away from Felixstowe as possible. The dis-ease was not spread at all. Damn you, Facebook minions!

Day 216: Week Of Revolution! Propaganda - Develop your own revolutionary brand

I decided that my revolution's gimmick would be to use horoscopes as a scapegoat, eg "I didn't mean to blow up the Houses of Parliament, officer, my horoscope told me to!" This is copied from my, you guessed it, "base of operations". My revolution was becoming a bit of a de-volution. Ha! See what I did there?

Day 217: Week Of Revolution! Revolution - Hijack a train to the scene of your coup

Well, I didn't really have a coup arranged, so maybe I should have thought of one first. And thus, having no coup, meant no scene of coup. So, I was hugely original, and planned to hijack a train straight to the Houses of Parliament, possibly underneath the building with many bombs attached to the train. I was going to ask the train conductor if the train went straight to London when I was on my way to band practice. But you know me, I'm a pussy. So I did nothing. This would no doubt have been what kick started the revolution. And a life sentence in jail.

Day 218: Week Of Revolution! New Dawn - Impose your new society

I encouraged everyone (at my "base of operations" of course) too pool all their salaries and randomise our home addresses. Like all my statuses, I got lots of 'likes' but no takers.

Day 219: Week Of Revolution! Purge - Now liquidate absolutely everyone you've met this week

Guess how many people I met that week? That's right, none! Perhaps it was because I conducted my revolution from Facebook, but that would be a cynical thing to say! As it is, it just seems that you need to step AWAY from a computer to start a revolution. Who would have though it? I hope this acts as a cautionary tale. I hope you learned that to start something, you have to go out and DO something. That you won't achieve anything from spending your time on Facebook. And that you should NEVER aspire to be as lazy as I am.

Day 213: Today stalk an animal!

All day I'd been thinking about animals to stalk, and there are lots of animals in my house to stalk. But they are all boring and mostly stay still, licking themselves in some kind of perverse masturbatory game. Or so that's what I'm guessing is going on when animals lick themselves. Either way, they weren't very stalkable. Later I went fro a stroll and searched for other beasts to stalk, but I saw not one, except a couple of insects. I'm not sure if they count. Much, much later I decided to stalk cats inside the house anyway. I was gonna go out and stalk nocturnal creatures, but I couldn't be bothered. The stalking was very uninteresting. I watched Pepsi eat food for a few minutes. It was boring. I moved on, and observed Teddy as he... ate food for a few minutes. Oh well, his style of eating was far more interesting. He scoops the food out of the bowl with his mouth, drops it on the floor, and then eats it. I have since adopted this eating method, and it is brilliant. Scientists have actually concluded that it is far healthier, as the movement shakes calories off of the food. Plus, it has added flavour, depending on where you decide to eat.

This week I have been conducting an amazing (revolutionary, you could say) revolution, so I will blog about that next time, hence only one small task in this entry, causing me to stretch it out with nonsensical jokes. Laters, all!

Day 210-212

Day 210: Today send a letter to someone at random with a photo of your self, a £5 bill, no explanation and no sender address. See what comes of it.

I like the idea behind this one, but sadly I'm short on money at the mo so all my pennies are being closely cherished by me. I was planning to just send a photo of myself, but never got around to it.

Day 211: Have a row with everyone you meet

I'm not really into arguments, so I didn't do this. Though I had some huge, entirely serious arguments over Facebook, which culminated in me dying of a brain aneurysm. Come to think of it, they may have not been all that serious...

Day 212: Opt out of the internet today

One day I will do this, as the amount of information about everyone on the internet is quite terrifying. But not on this day. Sorry.

Wow, my most thrilling blog yet!

Days 207-209

Day 207: Today play Traffic Russian Roulette

I walked across two roads near my house without looking. Life-threatening stuff, this task has changed my life in that I am now much more appreciative of still being alive after my nowhere-near death encounters!

Above: One of the many (read:two) deadly (read: vacant) roads I had to face.

Day 208: Today test the power of prayer

I was really hungry and was going into town and fancied a Favorite Chicken lunchtime special - basically a full meal, without a drink, for half the price. But it had gone 2, the time I thought the lunchtime special stopped. So I stopped to pray to God. He answered my prayer and it actually finished at 3! I am now a man of faith! I'm not really, but this could definitely be seen as a miracle...

Above: I believe in miracles, since you came along...

Day 209: Today, lend your mobile to a homeless person and ask them to take your calls, screening out anyone they don't like the sound of.

Yeah... No. I didn't see any homeless people today! Or, that's my excuse at least...

Movie review: 'Dragonball Evolution' (2009)

Well, really, what is there to say about 'Dragonball Evolution'? It is what it is. What it is is batshit crazy, one of those films that seems to have not really been made, but just happened to have emerged from some dark reaches of Hollywood. It's almost impossible to describe. But batshit crazy does it pretty well.

The plot follows young and very Caucasian Goku (Justin Chatwin), a shy geek, who lives with his Asian grandfather, Gohan (Randall Duk Kim). We'll ignore the weird family-race issue, because ultimately this film doesn't give a shit. Anyways, Gohan teaches his grandson the ancient art of Chi, and something about some dragon's balls, but is killed by the evil Piccolo (James Marsters - that's right, Spike from 'Buffy') who wants these Dragonballs to destroy the Earth as revenge for a 2000-year long incarceration for his evil deeds. And our heroes don't want the apocalypse coming about. So they decide to stop him. Honestly, that's as far as the plot goes. Along the way we meet Chi Chi (Jamie Chung, looking fiiiiiine), Goku's love interest, Bulma (Emily Rossum, looking fiiiiiine), a seemingly random girl who wants the Dragonballs to harness energy, Roshi (Chow Yun-Fat, having a blast), Gohan's eccentric master, and the evil, shape-shifting Mai (Eriko Tamura, looking fiiiiiine). Oh, and some other dude who adds nothing to the film, except a romantic subplot with Bulma which is never dwelled on beyond one short scene.

Yeah, it's that kind of movie, where things just happen. It jumps from scene to scene without a care for narrative or character building, it's just, for the most part, action scene after action scene. Some of them are decent, particularly an inventive early fight where Goku beats up a bunch of bullies without hitting any of them. There's also lots of girl-on-girl fights, which is probably pretty hot if you're into that type of thing. But by the end, the action scenes become as incoherent as the structure, descending into retina-searing blasts of Photoshop filters battling against each other. The special effects are serviceable; they're not brilliant, but they suit the cartoonishness of the film. In fact, early on, when it's at it's most comic it's a bit of a guilty pleasure; an obvious yet amusing joke involving Goku's animé hair, Goku fantasising about Chi Chi in the most cliché fashion possible. But the plot becomes all too serious towards the end, which is just ridiculous considering it has no plot. Save for Chow Yun-Fat, of course, having fun, and keeping boredom away with a funny and eccentric performance, nailing the animé aesthetic perfectly.

The acting... Well, it might be good, but given the lines the cast have to spout it's honestly hard to tell. Kudos to all for talking about Dragonballs without cracking a smile though. I may be one of the only 21-year-old geeks who hasn't seen the original animé series, so I can't comment on it's faithfulness, but it's odd to think such a long-running series could spawn a film with virtually no plot. It's entertaining in places though, and, to let my journalistic ethics slip (as if I'd do that), the women in the film are absolutely smoking, and two of them have fringes, which makes this better than any other film on the same level of entertaining awfulness.

2/5

Days 201-206

Day 201: Today, tattoo a banana.

I scraped some teeth, a nose and eyes into a banana, to make a glorious smiley face. I attempted a blacked-out missing tooth (cliché, I know), but it didn't work out too well. Then I presented it at our front window. Hopefully my art inspired creativity in others!

Day 202: Today, make a shrine about someone you don't know but see on a regular basis, then show it to them.

I didn't do this, but I did consider doing it over Facebook or something. I looked forward to my future reputation as a creep.

Day 203: Eight million ways to die

I didn't list my preferred ways of dying from one to one hundred. For what it's worth though, I'd like to die in my sleep most (even though it's apparently non applicable, but it's on the list, so...). Least favourite? To be buried alive. Euuurghhh.

Day 204: Poetry Day

I didn't come up with a line for the world's longest poem. Damn, must task harder. (Hint: I probably won't)

Day 205: Sense-less Day - Go through today without using your sense of: taste

I held my nose while eating breakfast, but it didn't work, and I didn't feel like investing in sore throat anaesthetic. I tasked very mildly! Yay!

Day 206: Recover your umbilical cord today

I asked mum if she knew where my umbilical cord is, but she doesn't. She doesn't even know who the midwife was. Shame.

Film Review: 'Waveriders' (2008)

'Waveriders' is a documentary by Joel Conroy about surfboarding. And is exactly as thrilling as it sounds. To be fair, if you're into surfing then it probably holds more interest for you. But for non-surfers, it's, well, people riding up waves. Over and over again.

Some backstory as to why I watched this? Well, I've been a minor fan of extreme sports since I started playing the 'Tony Hawk's' video game series, way back when. Skateboarding was always my primary interest (if you need proof as to why skateboarding is awesome, YouTube search Rodney Mullen), I was just never huge into it because I can't skate for shit. Other extreme sports (BMXing, motocross, etc.) were also interesting to me, quite probably because I know that it's some crazy stuff I could never do. But surfboarding never hugely appealed. There's a person, a board and waves. And that's about it. Not loads of convenient ramps and rails and jumps to trick off of. Just a person, a board, and some waves.

So, I watched this documentary as an attempt to, not necessarily get into surfing, but to at least see what the fuss was about. As it is, I couldn't see it. The documentary is very well made, filled with tight editing, lush ambient music, and some truly gorgeous photography. Perhaps it occasionally follows some classic documentary clichés too far, such as unnecessary overexposed filters over scenes for no good reason. But hey, it's a staple of the genre, and technically speaking, this film is solid. The primary focus of the film is, oddly enough, the surfing scene in Wales (although it occasionally, and wisely, thematically speaking, moves away from this particular subculture), so we get some beautiful locations. Huge cliffs loom over the dark waters and the surfers do what they do best, which is to rip some gnarly barrels (non-extreme sport fans beware; the film occasionally features some lingo of the scene, which may leave you bewildered as to what they, and I, just said).

The most interesting part of the film is it's brief history of surfboarding, which in it's extreme sports form was pioneered by George Freeth, Jr - the man who also, apparently, invented modern lifeguarding as we know it. There is also some focus on the pros of the sport, and, of course, a couple of talking heads, all narrated by Cillian Murphy. But it's hard to feel as passionate as the featured characters do for a sport which, visually, looks only interesting the first few times you see it. The film runs at a mere one hour twenty minutes, yet feels much longer, due to the repetitive nature of seeing someone carve a board up and down a wave ad nauseum. You admire the passion behind the film, but it's just far too thin a topic to spread to feature length, and as such would have worked far better as perhaps a half-hour TV special, or perhaps to have had more focus on surfing's impact globally.

Overall: Technically solid, but just not all that interesting.

2/5

More tasks y'all

Day 182: Change Osama's mind today

Here's my beautiful peon to peace;

Dear Mr. Bin Laden, I am James Small of Felixstowe. I am writing to respectfully invite you to reconsider your global "jihad" against the West. You clearly thought it was right at the time, but I believe that now you should call it quits. Here is my reason why: because karma's seriously gonna come and bite you on the arse if you don't stop. To be fair, it's probably too late to avoid the bad karma altogether, but you might as well stop while you're ahead, otherwise it will just build up and get a lot worse. I hope this convinces you. If so, please tell your fellow jihadists. I look forward to a future of peace.
Yours truly,
James Small

Day 183: First impressions are crucial in life. Today hand this to a stranger and find out what impression you made.

I attempted to find a good stranger, but I'm a shy little pussy. When I finally manned up, the old woman I asked said she didn't have the time for it. Blast!

Day 184: Play the stock market today

I didn't do this. I wouldn't know how.

Day 185: Today: Rearrange your local supermarket according to your own preferences

Chris and I rearranged Solar as thus;

We put stuff in tubs on sale

We moved trolleys to the middle of aisles

We put cereal and syrup in the freezers

We put cereal with the detergents

We moved chocolate bars to the stationary aisle

And such other stuff. Was awesome fun =)

Day 186: Today place flowers on an old unattended gravestone

Jay, Chris and I placed flowers at lots of gravestones.

Day 187: Today answer spam emails

I attempted to reply to some HSBC phishing scams, but it wouldn't let me reply.

Day 188: Cheerleader Day

I didn't cheer up everyone around me.

Day 189: Get admitted to a mental hospital today

For some reason, I decided not to do this one. Hmmmmm.

Day 190: Living History Day: Today, live the life of a 13th century peasant

Nor this one.

Day 191: Have all your food tasted for poison today

I didn't really do this one either, but Michelle ate a crusty, disgusting pair of jelly lips in a pack of sweets for me. It wasn't poisoned, thankfully.

Day 192: Defy superstition today

I wanted to do this, but I didn't have time. And then forgot when I did.

Day 193: Rebirth! Today ask your parents to help you stage a realistic reconstruction of your birth.

Ewwww, so many reasons I didn't do this one...

Day 194: Change someone's mind today

I tried to change Jay's mind on some subjects via the medium of blatant lies. Jay is probably the most stubborn person in the world though, so it was futile.

Day 195: Leave a note on someone's car windscreen

I left a note saying the following;

DON'T FORGET TO INDICATE!

5 million people are injured every year by drivers who don't indicate. Don't make it 3 million and one.

INDICATION - IT'S NOT A BLACK OR WHITE ISSUE... IT'S A LEFT OR RIGHT ISSUE.

Day 196: Today, go see your MP with your suggestion for a new law

I didn't do this.

Day 197: Mini-Prostitution Day

I offered my services over Facebook, and while interest from others was piqued, there were no buyers. Shame.

Day 198: Spend today pretending to be a tourist!

I didn't do this either.

Day 199: Today, agree to meet someone in 10 years' time.

My barely known friend Gav was willing to meet in ten years' time, although no further details have taken place beyond that initial agreement.

Day 200: Dump your partner for the day

Jay and I broke up. Even though she was very aware of this task. I flirted really badly with a checkout girl while single (ie, not at all). I also spouted filth all day.

Sorry my descriptions have been so short, I'm not in the best of moods today. But oh well. I didn't have much to say anyway because I'm a terrible tasker as of late. No worries. I'm finally up to date with tasks, so that's good at least. Yay!

It's Been A Long Time Baby

Sooooo... 'Sup? It's been ages since I've blogged. I've been too busy or lazy or unproductive or whatever. I wanna start up again, 'cos I like writing blogs, it's just effort, y'know? I also wanna add a bit more to my blogs, film/music reviews, my thoughts and ramblings, naked pictures of myself (see deadlyriversxxx.blogspot.com for more on this (sorry, this doesn't exist. Myabe one day though?)). I'm sure I'll soon stop blogging, I always do seem to. But I'll make an effort. Anyway, it's been a long time since I've updated on my tasking, so I'm gonna get that all out of the way with I like to call 'TinyTasks'. I'm copyrighting that shit immediately!

Bear with me, there's gonna be a few...

I attempted to use my remote control to make cats vomit and trigger an immediate orgasm.

I chalked a 'Bad haircuts here' sign outside of a hairdresser's that gave me a couple of bad haircuts.

I sent an inspirational message in a bottle.

I attempted to adopt the neighbour's dog to play with Pepsi.

I couldn't go back to school 'cos it was a bank holiday. Silly Benrik!

I was extremely nice, helpful, and grateful for my existence on Humility Day.

I didn't tip abnormally.

I didn't become a hermit.

I left my left arm exposed all day in an attempt to tan it. Even though there was no sun.

I didn't stalk any well-known writers.

I cold-called some people, but couldn't get any money. Until I gave up and phoned mum. From my house.

I bought Jay some flowers for Pre-Feminism Day.

I am signed up as an organ donor.

I gave Meg and Hannah mini-tasks to smile more often when they see me. And Hannah to pretend like we've never met next time she sees me.

I got some speakers and played some happy tunes around town. But my iPod ran out of battery unfortunately.

I attempted to be as chill as possible for Buddhist Fundamentalism Day.

I was slightly mean to Emily and Anabelle, in an attempt to mess them up and turn them into Picasso.

I handed out no calling cards to strangers.

I left an old, unused wallet on the street. Which got returned immediately.

I am letting one particularly long hair on my arm grow to 1 metre in length.

I couldn't remember my dreams for dream analysis.

Jay and I followed Benrik's directions and went on an epic three-hour walk. It was awesome.

I didn't make a pact with the devil.

I asked Amanda if she wanted to hang out. She was my high school sweetheart, and we still see each other regularly as friends.

I boycotted baby oil. To stop the slaughter.

I didn't give flowers to a stranger.

I didn't become a superhero.

I didn't write a letter to my future self.

All photos make me look ugly. 'Cos I am ugly. So I didn't destroy any.

I sung everything for most of the day.

I didn't bribe anyone.

I sent an e-mail to the BNP suggesting that they attempt to ban any foreign foods entering our country.

I created a 'cave painting' of a 'dinosaur' using Batman's explosive spray (that sounds wrong) in the Batcave in 'Batman: Arkham Asylum'. I did not alert the authorities.

I suggested to the UN that we divide oil shares between all countries.

I ate a tiny bit of fur from a chair, atop a pizza.

I didn't befriend a customer care person.

I'm not in the first couple of thousand or so in the line of succession to the throne.

I left an inspirational message on the train.

I ate lunch with ear plugs up my nose.

I predicted stuff about the future. Possibly right, possibly wrong. Breakfast cereal slogan of the future; 'Nostradamus never predicted cereal THIS good!'

I didn't hitchhike.

I decided I want to be reincarnated as a sexy lady.

I didn't mouth obscenities to passing strangers.

I attempted to twin myself with a Canadian friend. She never replied to my proposal though.

I did not celebrate Children's Day.

Or Reverse Brainwashing Day either. I couldn't think of any second hand opinions.

I wrote a rough draft of my children's book, 'Spootums'.

I was gonna give roses to mum, but roses are expensive.

I didn't dial a random number and read out the given script.

I killed a spider.

I reported a window cleaning van parked mysteriously outside Dena's house to the Anti-Terrorist Hotline.

I tested if the grass was always greener on the other side. It isn't always. Though you may well be ON the other side. Discuss.

I hugged a couple of trees.

I uttered the odd sentence as if I were a global corporation.

I didn't bleed in the book. I'm a pussy and couldn't bring myself to bleed.

I bought a can of Pringles and got one free, as society urged me.

I prayed to God on a hill. No response.

I wrote an e-mail to Kim Jong Il to stop the atrocity! I didn't send it though.

I didn't attend court.

I turned off the TV when a redhead appeared on screen.

I didn't report my fake illnesses to the doctors.

I didn't get criticised. Though I do owe Chris and Michelle my script.

I offered honesty over Facebook. Nobody took me up on my offer.

I didn't sell anything that I'd made.

I knocked on every door in my house and at the museum.

I tried to convince Jay I had amnesia and that sex would cure it...

I didn't babysit anyone.

I didn't share anyone's pain.

I didn't make all my tastes mainstream.

I attempted to argue Jay out of purchases.

I didn't impress my librarian.

I didn't open a home restaurant.

I didn't send a letter to a mass murderer.

I went on hunger strike 'til my first text of the day. I got it as soon as I woke up.

I recorded mild hanky panky between Jay and I. I didn't post it on the internet.

I didn't sleep in public.

I had an imaginary friend, named Broseph. Only at home though.

I moaned more than usual to act like a teenager.

I didn't live for the moment. Well, I did, but pathetically.

I gave my home address out on the Benrik website. Nobody took interest.

I didn't try out incest.

I didn't request my street be named after me.

I dyed my hair red.

I didn't dig at the end of a rainbow.

I psychoanalysed myself. I'm normal!

I tried the Aversion Diet, but I have a strong stomach, so it didn't really work for me.

I didn't make a citizen's arrest.

I disobeyed Obedience Day.

I didn't divine the will of my ancestors.

I didn't act like a millionaire.

Well, that's it for now of my rubbish tasking. I didn't realise I was that far behind, that's crazy! And I still haven't fully caught up yet. Ho-hum. I'm understandably tired of writing now, so I'm going to leave it here. I promise I'll update soon though!

March Part II

Everytime I start catching up, I also lag behind straight after. This is getting futile. Alas, I'll continue.

Day 75: Insure your best feature today

I rung Lloyds of London and asked how much I'd get for my brain. They said about a sixpence. Cheeky buggers! They did suggest I ring an insurance broker instead though. Which I never did.

Day 76: Today zombie-proof your home

I was looking forward to this one, but didn't get around to doing anything, alas. I did read about the zombie film described in 'Kiss Of The Spider Woman' though. If that helps.

Day 77: Erect a statue of yourself in a public place today

I bought some kid's modelling clay in town (after searching for frickin' AGES), and erected the shoddiest 'statue' ever. It wasn't without it's charm though. I added a plaque underneath, a piece of paper saying James Small, 1988-???? Chris also made a statue out of polymer clay, a bit more reliable. We left ours on display in town centre. Alas, mine was destroyed by the next day. His was still there though, as he craftily hid his in foliage.

Day 78: Freelance as a traffic warden today

This one was fun! Chris and I hit up the 'Stowe, and started ticketing cars left, right and centre. We started off in a disabled bay where we found loads of cars clearly without blue badges. Most people drove away before we had a chance to ticket them, but we got a few. Next we went to a car park and ticketed cars that were there for longer than their tickets had allowed. We also found one or two with out-of-date tax discs. Thank God Chris was there, I would not have known how to spot half of this stuff. We then found another car park, where Chris ticketed a vehicle that was clearly not an ambulance parked in a spot that said 'Ambulance only'. Reason given on ticket? 'Car not an ambulance'. Simple, but genius. I also ticketed a Smart car for being too ugly. No offence to Smart car users. But they are ugly. We wanted to continue, but alas it started raining heavily, so we called it a day. Lots of fun though, I wanna do it again!

Day 79: Follow your horoscope's advice to the letter today

Unfortunately, I couldn't go out and find an actual horoscope as Benrik had handily supplied one. Even more unfortunately, being a Scorpio, I wasn't allowed to say a word all day. I did pretty good, and kept it up throughout merciless mocking at band practice, although I did say 'Okay' to Amy, because she insisted I talk to her about something, can't remember what it was now though. However, I gave up by the time I was home, because having to suppress yourself from talking is strangely painful, physically and mentally. Still, I did alright, especially as I had to order a train ticket with words on a piece of paper.

Day 80: Today solve problems with the threat of violence

I was playing 'Professor Layton & The Mysterious Village' (I think that's the title) on the DS in the kitchen, and, upon not being able to solve a problem, threatened to burn the DS. I couldn't find my iPod at one point, so threw pillows around my room until I found it. Amazingly it worked. And when Pepsi wouldn't eat her food, I caressed her cheek ominously. She won't fuck with me again!

Day 81: Pray to out-of-date gods today

There were two crises going on in my life at this time. One was that the government had fucked me over and claimed they paid me student finance wrongly and that I owe it back. And secondly, Jay and I had a bit of a pregnancy scare. So I prayed to Loki that he would scare the government for me, and to Nerthus that Jay isn't pregnant. Amazingly enough, I haven't heard anything back from the student loans company, and Jay wasn't pregnant. I will forever pray to out-of-date gods from now on!

Day 82: Today speak the unspeakable

I said that I admired Hitler's work ethic, because I do! Morally reprehensible man, but he set out to get a job done, and by Jove did he get it done! You have to admire him mildly for that. I also decided that reciting the entirety of the Jabberwocky poem backwards, in Swedish, might be unspeakable.

Day 83: Help finish roadworks today

There were LOADS of roadworks going on in town at the time. Actually, I'm sure there still are. Anyway, I put the 'Rewire Urgently' label on a barricaded lamppost. I would have been hoisted by my own petard if it was actually barricaded so it could be rewired...

Day 84: Does cheese really give you nightmares?

I ate 125g of mozzarella before bed, in the hopes of having disturbingly realistic nightmares. Alas, I didn't. God, do I love mozzarella though, so on this level, it was an awesome task!

Day 85: Disgrace Day

I went into London to go see the mighty Motion City Soundtrack live on this day, so I had to text my gradual disgrace every hour to my sisters. Meg was very accepting of my problems though, and Nicole stopped answering my texts, though she's still talking to me, so I'm guessing my problems weren't too big a deal...

Day 86: Today return to childhood

I acted childish with my family a little bit, because I act childish with them anyway. I fought with Meg and Hannah, made immature jokes (no change there then), and cried when mildly hurt.

Day 87: Today, go through people's rubbish and use the information to chat them up

I went through Jay's bag (not that I'm saying she's rubbish!) and badly chatted her up. I'm lucky she's already my girlfriend, my flirting technique leaves something to be desired.

Day 88: Today watch someone sleep

I watch Jay sleep for about half an hour. It wasn't very exciting, but she was still beautiful.

Day 89: Today speak only Esperanto

I looked up a bit of Esperanto on the 'net, and told Jay I loved her in Esperanto. I can't remember what it was though.

Day 90: Control Order Day

I didn't do this, so I guess I'm not a true Benrikian. Chris and I were thinking of going to London for this, but we're too poor, alas!

March Part I

Time for March's taskage. Slowly catching up. Sloooooooooooowly.

Day 60: Make the Dalai Lama lose his temper today

I just stole an example from the diary, and sent an e-mail to the office of the Dalai Lama (not his actual office, but his website's) asking why he's in exile if his gods are so good.

Day 61: Check that your sex life is normal today

I only contacted three friends, but Chris and Michelle both said that my sex life was normal, yay! Although that might be 'cos I'm a simplistic guy who has a breast fetish (yes, I found out that that's an actual fetish). Jay said I was perverted, but that's because I share my sex life with her. And because I'm a pervert.

Day 62: Today, send your suggestions to the government

I sent the following letter;

Dear Government
This request may sound ridiculous, but I would like to suggest my idea for a new law - to make it illegal to mention Katie Price in the media. I am sick of hearing or reading her name everrytime I check the news, when she has offered exactly nothing of any importance to humanity in any way. It's nothing personal against her (although I can't stand her), it's just constant mention of her name is frustrating. I regret writing it in this very letter!
I'd also like to suggest that we make the paparazzi as a whole illegal, as they intrude on the private lives of celebs, which is invasion of privacy, and therefore illegal. What's more, nobody with a brain cell wants to know that Kylie Minogue went out once without make-up.
Thank you for reading.

The amazing thing was, I actually got a reply! Although it was an automated 'Thank you for your letter' letter. Though I still think it's awesome, I bet Gordon Brown (R.I.P. (politically) - topical!) read it and thought "If only I could make it illegal..." as he gazed wistfully into the distance.

Day 63: Make a non-obscene phone call today

Eeeek, this one backfired! Jay suggested that I phone her stepmum, Tracey, as she has a good sense of humour. I must have phoned on a bad day though, as she did NOT take it well. I simply said that her voice was strong, and I felt like I recognised it. I claimed I was from Globocorp (yeah, I stole that from 'Dodgeball'), and when I burst out laughing, claimed I was watching 'The Simpsons'. I'm usually pretty calls, but when she told me to grow up and hung up I couldn't decide whether this one was a success or an epic fail.

Day 64: Trust someone with your life today

I trusted Jay to smash a glass over my head... Without smashing it. It didn't smash, and I survive. I know have firm faith in her when it comes to my wellbeing.

Day 65: Lure a fly onto this page and swat it here

I couldn't find any flies today, so instead I drew a charming picture of a squished fly in the box.

Day 66: Switch on your appendix today

I spent most of the day with my mobile phone strapped to my abdomen, making sure to bathe in the electromagnetic waves whilst getting funny sensations from received phone calls. I had to use some strong tape though, and it hurt a lot to rip it off. I'm not a hairy guy, but there's still enough hair on my belly to be uncomfortable in semi-waxing incidents.

Day 67: Today: Sketch someone opposite you on public transport and see how they react

Whilst on the train back from Ipswich with Jay, I decided to sketch a man sitting opposite me reading a paper. He was totally into that paper, as I don't think he looked up once. I should have shown it to him, but the drawing was terrible, so I didn't for the sake of my own dignity more than anything.

Day 68: Father's Day!

I don't really see my Dad very often, so I don't have huge amount of positive stuff to say about him. At the same time, he's a very nice guy, and is very supportive of my band, so I don't have a huge amount of negative stuff to say about him. That's all I'll say though, and really, all that needs to be said.

Day 69: Today scare yourself shitless

I successfully managed to bring up all the scary topics during one conversation with Jay. Terrorism blatantly links into Nuclear War, which Ebola could be used as a handy weapon for as it is very contagious, and could be a biological weapon. Cancer couldn't be as good a biological weapon though. I somehow managed to bring Serial Killers, Global Warming, and Child Abuse into it too, but I can't remember how. It was a REALLY good conversation actually, loads of good points made. Didn't scare me shitless though, I'm way too hardcore for that...

Day 70: Today confuse future archaeologists by dating things wrongly

I did as was said in the Book, I got a blank CD, wrote the date that the book had in it (I can't remember it exactly, but it was the 17th century or something), and buried it in my back yard.

Day 71: Enter Miss or Mr World

I cut out the slip, filled it in, and entered. Simple! Never got a reply though, unfortunately. But my entry seemed so serious!

Day 72: Judgement Day

Good deeds: 13. Sins: 6. Other: 4. I'm pretty sure I'm going to Heaven! Which is a good thing, although it probably means I haven't lived my life either... Ho-hum.

Day 73: Spend today listening to a loved one's inner workings

I didn't exactly SPEND the day doing it, but I did take a few minutes every now and again to press my ear against Jay's tummy. I was shocked by all the workings you can hear, there were lots of loud grumbles and the like. However, nothing sounded dodgy, so I'm sure she's of sound health.

Day 74: Today, threaten a foreign country

Off the coast of Felixstowe a bit, there's a small principality called Sealand, that has been confirmed as it's own country. It's absolutely tiny, and I think, like, one person lives there. So I thought that starting a potential war with this country would be an easy battle. I sent an e-mail to their e-mail address (duh!) saying exactly what was written in the Book. Amazingly enough, I got a reply! Actually, I was pretty terrified when I received an e-mail from some important organisation, although I've forgotten their name. Anyway, it said that my threat will not be taken seriously. Unless, they're calling my bluff of course...

February

Still very lagging behind on the blogging front due to lack of internet at my house, but at least the computer's (apparently) fixed, so that's a start. Without further ado, let's jump in our DeLorean, gun it to 88, and head back to the start of February...

Day 32: Today rage against the machine!

I rage against machines quite often, by which I mean our home computer because it never fucking works, and XBox 360 back when I used to play 'Tony Hawk's' games, which I cut out of my gaming diet for fear of an anger-induced brain aneurysm. Today I raged against nearly every machine I encountered. Including my iPod and some sliding doors. In public. But I don't think anyone heard my rants. Probably a good thing on their behalf, my mouth is foul when angered...

Day 33: Become spokesperson for your neighbourhood today

I put up a sign my house's front window saying something along the lines of 'This road has a proud selection of cats. If anyone is caught hurting any of our feline friends, they will be punished accordingly.' We have a LOT of cats down our road you see. Not that I think anyone's ever gone around hurting them, but I figured I could avert it happening in case anyone really did come to our road with the sole intention of marauding moggies.

Day 34: Today gatecrash a funeral

Chris and I met up to go to a funeral in our area which I EVENTUALLY found out about through extensive research. Unfortunately we got lost, got the wrong place, and were very late on top of that. So we just went to a graveyard instead, where we visited Chris' dad's grave and discussed books we're planning on writing. We then headed to Cafe Nero in town, and seeing as we were smartly dressed, decided to talk like businessmen. Badly.

Day 35: How memorable is your everyday conversation? Today, find out by writing down everything you say. Highlight the wittiest phrases.

I didn't write down every single thing I said, because I'm too lazy. But here are some of my 'witty' phrases, which I'm sure will make no sense out of context. Actually, I'm not sure they did in context. The first is a conversation between me and Jaffy, which is hilarious when read out completely deadpan.

Jay: "I'm a bad influence."

Me: "Why?"

J: "I'm giving you ME."

M: "It's a contractable disease! It's spreading!"

J: "I'm a biological weapon."

M: "I'll show you a biological weapon... MY PENIS!"

J: "That's amazing."

Other 'memorable' things I said;

"Do you know where they were hiding the WMDs? In my pants."

"Biscuit for a biscuit?" (Upon mishearing the phrase "Risk it for a biscuit.")

"I'm not saying that you're not fat, I'm just saying that you're not fat."

"You look good however you look."

"I couldn't have a lip piercing if I didn't have a beard."

Yeah, most of these are just prime examples of my idiocy.

Day 36: Call a call centre in India and get the staff to teach you about their culture for a change

I called a call centre (took me ages to find a number though), and asked an Indian woman to tell me about her culture. She sadly declined, saying that it was not the sort of information that her company dealt with.

Day 37: Claim to see the Virgin Mary in an everyday object

I took a photo of a cracker and sent it to the Vatican. It was hilarious, because it was just the most mundane cracker ever, although I'm sure you could find the Virgin Mary's outline in there somewhere if you tried hard enough.

Day 38: Sense-less Day - Go through today without using your sense of: hearing

Spent most of the day with really uncomfortable wax earplugs in. It didn't make me deaf so much as just impair my sense of hearing a bit. Walking was uncomfortable, it sounded like a weird Solaris BC song, which is a very, very obscure reference, but very accurate I think. I eventually got bored and took them out, seeing as I was later at a little party thing at Dena's.

Day 39: Today buy a parrot and train it to say some unpalatable truth that you cannot voice yourself in society

Parrots are expensive, require space, and require care. And I'm poor, cramped in my room, and lazy. Besides, we have enough bloody pets as it is (two. Okay, that's not a lot, but still). So I didn't buy one. However, Jay's parents have a parrot, Mr. Magoo, and the day before, Jay and I tried to get the parrot to say 'DERP!'. And we succeeded. Not really an unpalatable truth, but funny and annoying in equal measure nonetheless.


Day 40: Environment Day: Teach Mother Earth who's in charge here

I provoked as much ecological sabotage as possible. I kept switching on unattended computers and lights at Uni and at Jay's. I convinced Jay to spray hairspray into the air, and I sprayed some deodorant, though I'm not sure if deodorant has CFCs. I even managed to get seperate bags for all my purchases at the shop. Which was a ready meal and three Refreshers bars. The checkout person was actually willing to do this. Awesome!

Day 41: Self-medication Day

I'd had a horrible nightmare the night before about a killer who chased me and Jay, so I stabbed him in the face, repeatedly, and REALLY graphically. It was horrible, and I felt more worried about myself for being capable of thinking up something so violent. Anyway, due to this, I decided to take green and yellow pills. I went to Superdrug and found some green and yellow decongestant pills. I've had nightmares since, but not many! I also took a red and yellow pill, but I don't (think I) have swollen arteries, it was just my daily antibiotic.

Day 42: Today carry a hidden weapon

You know those sharp things you stick in to the end of corn on the cob to pick it up with? We had a SUPER sharp one, perfect for gouging out eyes or, indeed, stabbing faces, at our house, so I decided that would be my hidden weapon. It was discreet, deadly, and, most importantly, a little leftfield in the weapons department. It did indeed ramp up my insecurities. i kept thinking about if I was gonna get attacked, would I have used it? Would it be seen as self-defense, or would I serve a long sentence for carrying my concealed weapon. Questions, questions. Fortunately, I never got attacked, so there are no answers to these questions.

Day 43: Draft your speech to the UN today

I drafted a very hippy, luvvy-duvvie speech and sent it to them. It wasn't very good, but maybe the hippieness would give it a chance to be selected. Take a deep breath;

Dear sirs,
Here is a draft for my intended speech if selected to be average representative of the human race at this year’s General Assembly pleneral meeting;
Mr Secretary General, Mr President, distinguished guests, ladies and gentlemen; Thank you for the privilege of being selected to speak as average representative of the human race. As a 21-year-old student from the UK, I can’t say that I’m in any position to know what is best for this world around us, but, as a man who cares about our humanity, I know what I feel is best for the human race, and I hope I speak for many others with my views. On the whole, we as human beings are mostly blessed. We are blessed with money, good health, housing, freedom, liberty. Sure, the healthcare system may not be the best, we may not all be the wealthiest, but many of us take this all for granted when compared to those who are homeless, those who are starving to death in third-world countries. This may all sound very-clichéd, and, yes, perhaps it is, but that doesn’t mean we don’t need to do anything about it and assume that others will do it all for us. We all need to take those things we have, and share them. Give money to charities, help out at homeless shelters. Whatever we can do to help those around us who are less fortunate. It’s easy to lay back, relax, and drown ourselves in all the good things we have. But ultimately, it will leave us empty, unfulfilled. Helping others is one of the biggest pleasures life can offer, and in the end, everyone benefits from it. We help others, others help us. It’s simple, easy, and rewarding. Obviously this can’t all happen in one day. We need to start simple. Stop hating others. Prejudice is probably the one thing in this world that triggers all the wrong-doing. Many wars are down to intolerance. People won’t help others because they look down on them. This is all wrong. We need to let people be the way they are, and embrace it. Let gay people be gay. Let Muslims be Muslim. Let human beings be human beings. Because that’s all we are, overall. Human beings. The rest of the details, our sexuality, race, gender, it’s all irrelevant. As long as we’re not harming anyone, we’re doing nothing wrong. Ignore what is fed to us by the mass media, the likelihood of media-based intolerant public opinion is that it all stems from rumours in the first place. We have to learn to believe in what’s for the best, not what the papers and news want to make us believe. Maybe I have a bias, being a media student. But the reason I find the subject so interesting is because I’ve always felt that the media is probably one of the most powerful tools on the planet. And it’s one that we must learn to form our own opinions on, instead of believing that which has such power over us. Because, if we all try to believe in what is right in our heart of hearts, then maybe everyone else will too. Thank you.
Thank you for reading, hope to hear from you soon.
Yours sincerely,
James Small.

Sorry about how shite that was (PS, I did not add this bit to the actual letter).


Day 44: Ecumenical Day

I already am an atheist, so trying that one out wasn't too hard, I was just myself. I didn't really have much time to try out seven different major religions today. I did have a pray to God outside a church hall though. I just asked him to reply to me if he was there. I didn't get a reply. I also stared at the sky for a while and thought about the universe, to cater to Paganism. It was blissful, but thinking about the universe really does scare me a little.


Day 45: Let the skeletons out of your closet today

I couldn't really think of many skeletons in my closet, but I came out with a few and told them to Jay:
Sexual skeleton - I don't wish to share this with everyone as it's no longer skeletons day. To be honest, it merely involved naming my favourite porn star - I'm just ashamed to have a favourite porn star in the first place. Hey, I was single for a long time!
Childhood skeleton - In primary school I bashed a guy's head against a wall because he used the water fountain before me and I wanted it! I still feel bad about this one. I was a twat in school, apparently, I definitely wouldn't be so deperate for water now as to resort to violence, promise! Maybe if I was in a desert actually...
My miscellaneous skeleton - I don't really have many skeletons in my closet. I'm sure I do. I'm just being a pussy probably. Also, this isn't much of a skeleton at all.

Day 46: Tonight, control your dreams

I firstly asked Jay for facts about hedgehogs, aeroplanes and midgets, seeing as she knows A LOT. She told me lots of facts, though not many about aeroplanes. Most of her facts related to diseases. One day she'll work for Dr. Gregory House, but I'll be overwhelmingly jealous, seeing as he is sexy, charming, clever, and treats 'em mean to keep 'em keen. He and I only share that last quality. Anyways, I later went on Wikipedia (a very reliable source I think, fuck the haters) and read loads about hedgehogs and midgets, most of it going over my head. I didn't read much about aeroplanes, because they're boring in my opinion. I tended to think about hedgehogs a lot, but unfortunately none of the objects invaded my dreams.

Day 47: Anti Paedophile Day

Although I would be scared of going to jail, I may have said hi to some kids today... If I'd have seen a single kid that day. No, I'm not joking. Well, there were some teenagers, but I don't know if they counted as young enough. Wait, that sounds really bad. I assure everyone reading this out of context that this was ANTI Paedophile Day.

Day 48: Today panic-buy

I didn't exactly panic buy, seeing as I only bought one of each object, but I did indeed buy all the products listed. I still haven't used the matches or soap, fun fact.

Day 49: Make prolonged eye contact with everyone you meet today

I made prolonged eye contact with Jaffy, Meg, Hannah and Meech, but forgot to do it to anyone else. Which is a shame because my band, Beerwolf, played our first gig on this day. I should have so stared out audience members from behind the drumkit, that would have made for a memorable show. For whoever witnessed me getting beaten up as a consequence, that is.

Day 50: Free Pet Day!

No excuses really, but I just didn't get around to doing this one. Although, funny story, my friends and I all recently thought someone else must have been doing this task, seeing as there was a poster up around where Meech lives, claiming a black-and-white cat called Whiskers was missing, with a really bad accompanying drawing. And no more details. And there are loads of black-and-white cats in that area. It stopped being funny when the reward started going up and Meech found out that it was an old man's missing cat. Sad times.

Day 51: Today mislead a tourist

I considered misleading a taxi driver when I was in a taxi, but that wouldn't work. Why? Reasons are twofold. Firstly, it wouldn't benefit me in any way seeing as I wanted to get home. And secondly, he had GPS. And was a taxi driver. Wasn't gonna work. Later at the bus station a man asked me when a certain type of bus left, and I was tempted to mislead him. But I felt bad, so I didn't. Damn my conscience!

Day 52: Self-acupuncture Day

I looked around town for acupuncture needles, but couldn't find any. I finally ordered some off of this dodgy website, seeing as it was the only website that I didn't need some kind of medical degree to purchase needles from. The needles still haven't arrived. I've really got to go about getting my money back for that.

Day 53: Send your DNA to the authorities today

As exampled in the Book, I sent some toenail clippings to Interpol, accompanied by the message written in the Book.

Day 54: Mass Social Experiment

I cut out the Out Of Order sign and stuck it on one of the elevator control panels at the Uni. I should have stuck around to see the results, but I pussed out. Suffice to say, I passed there not much later and the sign had already been torn down. Shame. I thought it would have been convincing.

Day 55: Today thank and write your most influential teacher

I planned to write some lovely remarks about the legendary Mrs Hamilton on the Trimley Primary School guestbook on the website, but alas, I simply didn't get around to it. Bad tasking, James! Bad tasking!

Day 56: Today, let power corrupt you

I tend to be a pretty nice guy, who will usually just do what others ask me to do, so there wasn't much power corruption on my behalf today. However, I did COMPLETELY take over the editing of the short film I'd made on my course. This wasn't actually because I was corrupted by power though, it was more for practical purposes, seeing as my working partner I was lumped with was a complete retard. No offence to him.

Day 57: Today, welcome a new life

Chris and I were genuinely considering going to a maternity ward and seeing how far we would get. However, we eventually decided that this would not be a very good idea, seeing as EVERYONE else explicitly warned against it. Spoilsports! Fortunately, Chris is a clever lad, and thought outside of the box - We would go to Homebase and buy some plant seeds, so we could welcome some new organic lives! We decided on sunflowers, not sure why. Mine is still growing to this day, on the kitchen windowsill, growing into quite the beast! Alas, Chris lost his plant. Maybe one day he will find his lost child.

Day 58: Today, praise an unsung achievement

I decided to get all meta on Benrik's ass today! I sent an e-mail to them praising this very task (especially for the 'Driving Miss Daisy' bit, cracks me up for some reason). I got a reply back saying, simply, 'Well done for your e-mail'.

Day 59: Find a way of using the word vortex in all your conversations today

I actually did this pretty damn well! Mum's friend, Judy, called, and even though Mum was unavailable, I asked her if she saw that documentary about vortexes last night. When she asked what I found out about vortexes, I replied 'Uhhh... they're kind of like cyclones?' I also mentioned a 'vortex of stress' in a serious text message, and sometimes just randomly brought up vortexes. At one point I actually just ended a text with 'VORTEX!'

Phew, that's February done! Finally! Now only two more months left to catch up... Ho-hum...