March Part II

Everytime I start catching up, I also lag behind straight after. This is getting futile. Alas, I'll continue.

Day 75: Insure your best feature today

I rung Lloyds of London and asked how much I'd get for my brain. They said about a sixpence. Cheeky buggers! They did suggest I ring an insurance broker instead though. Which I never did.

Day 76: Today zombie-proof your home

I was looking forward to this one, but didn't get around to doing anything, alas. I did read about the zombie film described in 'Kiss Of The Spider Woman' though. If that helps.

Day 77: Erect a statue of yourself in a public place today

I bought some kid's modelling clay in town (after searching for frickin' AGES), and erected the shoddiest 'statue' ever. It wasn't without it's charm though. I added a plaque underneath, a piece of paper saying James Small, 1988-???? Chris also made a statue out of polymer clay, a bit more reliable. We left ours on display in town centre. Alas, mine was destroyed by the next day. His was still there though, as he craftily hid his in foliage.

Day 78: Freelance as a traffic warden today

This one was fun! Chris and I hit up the 'Stowe, and started ticketing cars left, right and centre. We started off in a disabled bay where we found loads of cars clearly without blue badges. Most people drove away before we had a chance to ticket them, but we got a few. Next we went to a car park and ticketed cars that were there for longer than their tickets had allowed. We also found one or two with out-of-date tax discs. Thank God Chris was there, I would not have known how to spot half of this stuff. We then found another car park, where Chris ticketed a vehicle that was clearly not an ambulance parked in a spot that said 'Ambulance only'. Reason given on ticket? 'Car not an ambulance'. Simple, but genius. I also ticketed a Smart car for being too ugly. No offence to Smart car users. But they are ugly. We wanted to continue, but alas it started raining heavily, so we called it a day. Lots of fun though, I wanna do it again!

Day 79: Follow your horoscope's advice to the letter today

Unfortunately, I couldn't go out and find an actual horoscope as Benrik had handily supplied one. Even more unfortunately, being a Scorpio, I wasn't allowed to say a word all day. I did pretty good, and kept it up throughout merciless mocking at band practice, although I did say 'Okay' to Amy, because she insisted I talk to her about something, can't remember what it was now though. However, I gave up by the time I was home, because having to suppress yourself from talking is strangely painful, physically and mentally. Still, I did alright, especially as I had to order a train ticket with words on a piece of paper.

Day 80: Today solve problems with the threat of violence

I was playing 'Professor Layton & The Mysterious Village' (I think that's the title) on the DS in the kitchen, and, upon not being able to solve a problem, threatened to burn the DS. I couldn't find my iPod at one point, so threw pillows around my room until I found it. Amazingly it worked. And when Pepsi wouldn't eat her food, I caressed her cheek ominously. She won't fuck with me again!

Day 81: Pray to out-of-date gods today

There were two crises going on in my life at this time. One was that the government had fucked me over and claimed they paid me student finance wrongly and that I owe it back. And secondly, Jay and I had a bit of a pregnancy scare. So I prayed to Loki that he would scare the government for me, and to Nerthus that Jay isn't pregnant. Amazingly enough, I haven't heard anything back from the student loans company, and Jay wasn't pregnant. I will forever pray to out-of-date gods from now on!

Day 82: Today speak the unspeakable

I said that I admired Hitler's work ethic, because I do! Morally reprehensible man, but he set out to get a job done, and by Jove did he get it done! You have to admire him mildly for that. I also decided that reciting the entirety of the Jabberwocky poem backwards, in Swedish, might be unspeakable.

Day 83: Help finish roadworks today

There were LOADS of roadworks going on in town at the time. Actually, I'm sure there still are. Anyway, I put the 'Rewire Urgently' label on a barricaded lamppost. I would have been hoisted by my own petard if it was actually barricaded so it could be rewired...

Day 84: Does cheese really give you nightmares?

I ate 125g of mozzarella before bed, in the hopes of having disturbingly realistic nightmares. Alas, I didn't. God, do I love mozzarella though, so on this level, it was an awesome task!

Day 85: Disgrace Day

I went into London to go see the mighty Motion City Soundtrack live on this day, so I had to text my gradual disgrace every hour to my sisters. Meg was very accepting of my problems though, and Nicole stopped answering my texts, though she's still talking to me, so I'm guessing my problems weren't too big a deal...

Day 86: Today return to childhood

I acted childish with my family a little bit, because I act childish with them anyway. I fought with Meg and Hannah, made immature jokes (no change there then), and cried when mildly hurt.

Day 87: Today, go through people's rubbish and use the information to chat them up

I went through Jay's bag (not that I'm saying she's rubbish!) and badly chatted her up. I'm lucky she's already my girlfriend, my flirting technique leaves something to be desired.

Day 88: Today watch someone sleep

I watch Jay sleep for about half an hour. It wasn't very exciting, but she was still beautiful.

Day 89: Today speak only Esperanto

I looked up a bit of Esperanto on the 'net, and told Jay I loved her in Esperanto. I can't remember what it was though.

Day 90: Control Order Day

I didn't do this, so I guess I'm not a true Benrikian. Chris and I were thinking of going to London for this, but we're too poor, alas!

March Part I

Time for March's taskage. Slowly catching up. Sloooooooooooowly.

Day 60: Make the Dalai Lama lose his temper today

I just stole an example from the diary, and sent an e-mail to the office of the Dalai Lama (not his actual office, but his website's) asking why he's in exile if his gods are so good.

Day 61: Check that your sex life is normal today

I only contacted three friends, but Chris and Michelle both said that my sex life was normal, yay! Although that might be 'cos I'm a simplistic guy who has a breast fetish (yes, I found out that that's an actual fetish). Jay said I was perverted, but that's because I share my sex life with her. And because I'm a pervert.

Day 62: Today, send your suggestions to the government

I sent the following letter;

Dear Government
This request may sound ridiculous, but I would like to suggest my idea for a new law - to make it illegal to mention Katie Price in the media. I am sick of hearing or reading her name everrytime I check the news, when she has offered exactly nothing of any importance to humanity in any way. It's nothing personal against her (although I can't stand her), it's just constant mention of her name is frustrating. I regret writing it in this very letter!
I'd also like to suggest that we make the paparazzi as a whole illegal, as they intrude on the private lives of celebs, which is invasion of privacy, and therefore illegal. What's more, nobody with a brain cell wants to know that Kylie Minogue went out once without make-up.
Thank you for reading.

The amazing thing was, I actually got a reply! Although it was an automated 'Thank you for your letter' letter. Though I still think it's awesome, I bet Gordon Brown (R.I.P. (politically) - topical!) read it and thought "If only I could make it illegal..." as he gazed wistfully into the distance.

Day 63: Make a non-obscene phone call today

Eeeek, this one backfired! Jay suggested that I phone her stepmum, Tracey, as she has a good sense of humour. I must have phoned on a bad day though, as she did NOT take it well. I simply said that her voice was strong, and I felt like I recognised it. I claimed I was from Globocorp (yeah, I stole that from 'Dodgeball'), and when I burst out laughing, claimed I was watching 'The Simpsons'. I'm usually pretty calls, but when she told me to grow up and hung up I couldn't decide whether this one was a success or an epic fail.

Day 64: Trust someone with your life today

I trusted Jay to smash a glass over my head... Without smashing it. It didn't smash, and I survive. I know have firm faith in her when it comes to my wellbeing.

Day 65: Lure a fly onto this page and swat it here

I couldn't find any flies today, so instead I drew a charming picture of a squished fly in the box.

Day 66: Switch on your appendix today

I spent most of the day with my mobile phone strapped to my abdomen, making sure to bathe in the electromagnetic waves whilst getting funny sensations from received phone calls. I had to use some strong tape though, and it hurt a lot to rip it off. I'm not a hairy guy, but there's still enough hair on my belly to be uncomfortable in semi-waxing incidents.

Day 67: Today: Sketch someone opposite you on public transport and see how they react

Whilst on the train back from Ipswich with Jay, I decided to sketch a man sitting opposite me reading a paper. He was totally into that paper, as I don't think he looked up once. I should have shown it to him, but the drawing was terrible, so I didn't for the sake of my own dignity more than anything.

Day 68: Father's Day!

I don't really see my Dad very often, so I don't have huge amount of positive stuff to say about him. At the same time, he's a very nice guy, and is very supportive of my band, so I don't have a huge amount of negative stuff to say about him. That's all I'll say though, and really, all that needs to be said.

Day 69: Today scare yourself shitless

I successfully managed to bring up all the scary topics during one conversation with Jay. Terrorism blatantly links into Nuclear War, which Ebola could be used as a handy weapon for as it is very contagious, and could be a biological weapon. Cancer couldn't be as good a biological weapon though. I somehow managed to bring Serial Killers, Global Warming, and Child Abuse into it too, but I can't remember how. It was a REALLY good conversation actually, loads of good points made. Didn't scare me shitless though, I'm way too hardcore for that...

Day 70: Today confuse future archaeologists by dating things wrongly

I did as was said in the Book, I got a blank CD, wrote the date that the book had in it (I can't remember it exactly, but it was the 17th century or something), and buried it in my back yard.

Day 71: Enter Miss or Mr World

I cut out the slip, filled it in, and entered. Simple! Never got a reply though, unfortunately. But my entry seemed so serious!

Day 72: Judgement Day

Good deeds: 13. Sins: 6. Other: 4. I'm pretty sure I'm going to Heaven! Which is a good thing, although it probably means I haven't lived my life either... Ho-hum.

Day 73: Spend today listening to a loved one's inner workings

I didn't exactly SPEND the day doing it, but I did take a few minutes every now and again to press my ear against Jay's tummy. I was shocked by all the workings you can hear, there were lots of loud grumbles and the like. However, nothing sounded dodgy, so I'm sure she's of sound health.

Day 74: Today, threaten a foreign country

Off the coast of Felixstowe a bit, there's a small principality called Sealand, that has been confirmed as it's own country. It's absolutely tiny, and I think, like, one person lives there. So I thought that starting a potential war with this country would be an easy battle. I sent an e-mail to their e-mail address (duh!) saying exactly what was written in the Book. Amazingly enough, I got a reply! Actually, I was pretty terrified when I received an e-mail from some important organisation, although I've forgotten their name. Anyway, it said that my threat will not be taken seriously. Unless, they're calling my bluff of course...