Final Blog Of 2009!

Okay, I'll make this sorta quick, 'cos I have a New Year's party to attend to, but I figured I needed my opportunity to sign off from 2009. It's been a pretty great year, over all. I made some awesome new friends, discovered Benrik, and realised that confidence is more fun than crippling shyness. Did the Diary change my life? I don't think so, possibly because I discovered it halfway through the year, and didn't do the best job of following it. But, saying that, my life has changed a fair bit, whether that's down to the diary or not. I think it's because of my friends that my life has changed really, giving me the funnest birthday of my life, and an unexpected burst of confidence in the making of new friends. I can't say life has changed HUGELY, but it has changed, and for the better too. It's been a good year.

I'm super excited for next year. I get to follow the Book (not, strictly speaking, a Diary this time), which is going to be absolutely mad, I can't wait. And I'm going to try and follow it as well as I can, with the exception of the odd task I'll inevitably pussy out of doing. I get to have lots more awesome, crazy nights with my friends. I get to make some short films on my course. And 'Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World' will be coming out, which is going to be an amazing film, that I assure you. I can't wait to change my life, again. 'Tis gonna be epic!

My blogging may not be the best at the beginning of the year, because I have a fuck-off huge essay to work on, but I'll try my best. Next year's blogs are gonna be more or less the same (so be warned!), although hopefully with the inclusion of pictures, seeing as my computer is in pretty good shape at the moment, for once. Which is even LESS reason to read the blogs if they include pictures of me...

I would say more, but I have partying to do, to celebrate the end of, not just the year, but the decade, and not just the decade, but my life! Well, hopefully not my life, but at least I'd die happy. Thank you to anyone who's been reading my blogs over 2009, and who's kept me entertained with their blogs. Will see you all next year (that feels weird to say), for more fun, frivolity, and falafel! Okay, I doubt there'll be much falafel, but it sounded good, okay?

Happy new year everyone!

xoxox

Review of 2009

'Cos I'm a geek who loves movies and music more than I love my friends and family (I'm joking, friends and family!), I have decided to do a review of my favourite stuff in 2009. And by stuff, I mean movies and music. Prepare to be bored by things I've probably mentioned millions of times before!

First up, movies! 2009 was a pretty darn good year for movies. This year I joined Lovefilm, which is an orgasmically good invention, and allows me to see all the potentially dope (and the terrible) flicks that I didn't catch at the cinema, or weren't given a mainstream release. As it is, I've watched a LOT of movies this year. Good and bad, but mostly good fortunately. I'll get the bad over and done with. Worst movie of the year? 'Lesbian Vampire Killers'. There is absolutely no excuse for this to exist. Sure, the title is great. Alas, there is distinct lack of lesbianism or killing in the film. There are some vampires, but let's face it, every film has vampires in at the moment. Nope, this film really is just a series of jokes I would have stopped laughing at when I was 10. If you find the words 'condom', 'cock', or 'fanny' funny, then by all means, this is probably the best movie of the year for you. However, if you love juvenile, childish humour with some actual wit behind it, like I do, then you'll hate it. James Corden was recently voted one of the most annoying people of the year, and I hope to God that he was voted that because of this film.

I can't believe I spent ages talking about a film I hate! But I guess I just needed the release. Favourite films of the year? My absolute favourite was 'Watchmen', which was quite simply amazing. Sure, I've only read half of the graphic novel (which is also amazing), so I guess I can't compare them, but that might be a reason I loved the film so much. It's one of the deepest, most complex films I have seen, nearly 3 hours of moral, political and existential issues. Which doesn't make it sound overtly appealing, so there's also a fair amount of gore and nudity in it too. The special effects are superb, visually the film is extraordinary. Especially the scenes of Dr. Manhattan on Mars...

Ahhh, Manhattan on Mars. Has there been a better sequence in recent memory than the one where Manhattan tells us his life story thus far, whilst levitating on the red planet, soundtracked by an incredibly haunting piece by Philip Glass? I don't think so. Say what you will about the rest of the film. But this scene is pretty much perfect. I'd go so far as to say it is. One of the most saddening, beautiful things I have ever seen on film, 'Watchmen' could be film of the year for this scene alone. Fortunately the rest is not far off the brilliance of this scene.

Other amazing films this year? 'Inglourious Basterds' was incredible, and, surprisingly, my favourite Tarantino film so far. Fun, complex, subversive, and Cnl. Landa is one of the greatest characters ever created. Third fave would be 'Avatar'. It wasn't the masterpiece that I wanted James Cameron, my favourite filmmaker, to make. But it was still fucking awesome. Simplistic plot, sure. But the way it's told is fantastic, it looks great, and the action is unbeatable. Other brilliant films this year: 'The Wrestler', 'Rachel Getting Married', 'The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button', 'Hansel and Gretel' (not the fairytale), 'Gran Torino', 'Milk', 'The Hangover', 'Bruno', 'Star Trek', 'Drag Me To Hell', '(500) Days Of Summer', 'Away We Go' (closest I came to crying at the cinema all year!), 'A Serious Man', 'Michael Jackson's This Is It', 'Anvil! The Story Of Anvil', 'Up!', etc. There's probably loads I haven't mentioned, but you probably stopped reading ages ago, so that shouldn't be a problem... =p

Jesus, I've already written a lot. Gasp! On to music then! I'll try not to write so much!

Kind of disappointing year for Jesu, my favourite band. There were some very, very good releases this year, but nothing sensational. The 'Opiate Sun' EP was great, but hardly essential Jesu. 'Infinity' was amazing, but considering it was one 50-minute long song, should have been better. As it was, it drags halfway through, and not because it's long. Fortunately, the closing ambience is incredible, an awesome way to end such an epic piece. Still excited by what Jesu have got in store next, I'm still in love with the band!

Also disappointing was the new Between The Buried And Me album, 'The Great Misdirect'. The predecessor, 'Colors', is without a doubt my favourite metal album ever. Epic, expansive, crazy, mind-boggling, and just incredibly head-bangable. Unfortunately, the new album tries to hard to top it, and fails. It's still a great album, but just not quite there. The proggy bits are too dull, the metal bits are too indulgent, the weird bits are too not-weird-enough. And the final track, 'Swim To The Moon' is especially frustrating. It has an amazing chorus, which unfortunately we only hear three times over the course of a patience-stretching, 18-minute long jam session. A shame, but still better than most metal out there.

Fvaourite album of the year is 'Tarot Sport' by Fuck Buttons. Yes, they have a silly name, but it's easy to forget that when listening to some of the most euphoric, uplifting music ever made. The experimental noise of the first album, 'Street Horrrsing', is still there, but lying underneath layers and layers of beautiful drones, hypnotic drumming, and an atmosphere of hope and triumph. I suppose you could say that it's dance music, but it's so much better than any dance music that exists. It's frequently beautiful, groovy, relaxing, all while being very experimental. For once, a band actually got BETTER this year.

Favourite song of the year? 'Lights And Shapes' by Moving Mountains. Breathtaking. Absolutely, one of the most epic things I've ever heard. What starts off as a frantic post-hardcore workout soon segues into a violin-led post-rock beauty, and ends with shimmering ambience that will warm even the coldest of hearts. The musical equivalent to falling in love. I have just ordered their EP, 'Foreword', so hopefully will soon be indulging in more MovMou lushness.

This was really quite long and indulgent (kind like the new BTBAM album...), and if you've read it the whole way through I feel sorry for you, but I also really love you. That is your reward for reading this whole thing! My eternal love! Enjoy!

IIIIIIT'S CHRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISTTTTMASSSSSSSS!!!!

I haven't been updating much recently because I've been super-busy. There was something kinda big that happened in the last few days, but I can't quite remember what it was. Easter? Yeah, I think that's the one.

No, silly, 'twas Christmas! Crimbo 2009 was very, very awesome indeed. I guess there's not a lot to say about it in a sense, because not a lot really happened. It was all very traditional. Opening presents, eating Christmas dinner, spending some quality time with the family, playing some board games and stuff. This is pretty much the same formula we follow every year at the Small household, but it's tried, it's tested, and it works bloody well, so we keep it up. So, yeah, not much to say, but had a great couple of days regardless.

Got some lovely presents too. A couple of t-shirts (an awesome Kermit the Frog one, and a Joker one), 'House' Season 3 on DVD (YASSSSSSS!!!!), some interesting trivia books, a board game from Marks & Spencer called 'Thoughts & Crosses' which was very difficult but lots of fun, socks (it IS Christmas after all), pens (it's a long running joke that I get pens every year, don't ask), a remote control Yoshi Kart, some alcohol. That kind of thing. A good haul overall, plus got just about enough Christmas money to recoup my costs for buying everyone's presents, so that works out pretty well.

Boxing Day, Nicole 'n' Alex came around, another Christmas tradition. We played more board games, and a lot of Wii. Hannah got Wii Fit for Christmas, so we've all been playing that a bit. We had fun trying to make the most fucked-up Wii Fit profile possible by inputting contradictory data. Good, good times! Apparently I'm underweight and need to gain 3 stone of muscle. That would make me look horrific! I'm tempted to make my New Year's resolution to gain weight, whereas most people have lose weight as theirs. And no, it won't be muscle, I'll just make sure I eat lots of junk food and never exercise. Hey presto!

I'm kidding, weight's gonna be the last thing on my mind when I'm focusing on my tasking (and essays, but oh well). I haven't been tasking over the last few days, because I've just been chillaxing, but I might try and do some of the bonus tasks over the next few days. I'm not worrying about it too much though, I need some rest to prep for next year's immense tasking! And that's why I'll also be chilling out on my blog for the next few days too, so I can get some rest before I have to chronicle my 365 days of hysterical living. I'll still be blogging though, just won't be quite the 14 entries per minute that i did have a while back. That was, obviously, a joke, but now I'm curious to see how many entries I CAN do in a minute... I won't do it, but I am curious. Hmmmm...

I hope everyone had a really lovely Christmas too! Much love to you all! I will probably update soon with my New Year's resolutions, or maybe some geeky shit about the year's movies and music. Or something. Consider this a warning!

Week 52: Father Xmas Week!

Woooo! Christmas is officially here, so how better to celebrate than with Benrik's glorious Father Xmas Week!? I've been looking forward to this one - the idea is simply to give out anonymours Christmas presents, so as to not recieve anything in return but a grand sense of goodwill on your behalf. Which is surely what Christmas is supposed to be about, goodwill and stuff. So, I dig this task.

During the day I went out with my friends Dave, Chloe, and Jon. I haven't seen them all in a while due to some strange turns of events recently. But oh well, that's all behind us now, so it was really nice to see them all again. Except that Jon and I were apparently on a quest to see who could wind each other up the most. I think he won, unfortuantely. We all went to see 'Avatar', which was bloody BRILLIANT! Sure, not James Cameron's best by a long shot, and filled with flaws. But at the same time, it looked beautiful, it was entertaining and inventive, the planet of Pandora was incredible, and it had one hell of a killer final action sequence. Not the masterpiece I wanted, but still completely solid. It's just best that I try to avoid arguing about it...

Before the motion picture spectacular, I went into town with Dave to buy Meg a Christmas present (a pink dressing gown with cows on it - because it's Christmas, I didn't find this embarassing to buy), got myself a few gifts too (I know I shouldn't, but come on - 'Guitar Hero III' for a tenner!), and to get THE gift. Oh yes, the anonymous Christmas present. Because I'm a very unoriginal little boy, I got one that was included in the book - M&S vouchers. Actually, it was a gift card, but they're the same thing. It wasn't just because I'm unoriginal though, but it just seemed like a really safe bet. I initially wanted to get a copy of 'This Book Will Change Your Life' for someone (which I can see other Benrikians have done, good work!), but worried I'd send it to somebody without a sense of humour. Although maybe it would help them develop a sense of humour. And if they didn't like it then they could just celebrate the 'Be entirely serious' day. But, yes, an M&S gift card seemed safe, because everyone likes M&S (except those who hate it), and you can buy a wide range of goods there, from clothes, to entertainment, to food, to alcohol! This blog entry is not sponsored by Marks & Spencers, honestly...

I went for a £5 gift card, which may seem stingy, but I've spent fucking LOADS this year on Crimbo presents as it is. I feel kinda bad, because £5 really doesn't buy anything these days. But, as they say, it's the thought that counts. I also went for a card design with a baby hugging a teddy bear. Because everyone likes babies, and everyone likes teddy bears. Unfortunately, I know a few people who don't like hugs, but everyone SHOULD like hugs! Inside I wrote the message 'Dear recipient of this gift card, 'tis the season to give generously, and even though I don't know you, I thought you might like this gift card. From anonymous xoxox'. I didn't know who to address the envelope to, but, so it wasn't blank, I just wrote 'Merry Christmas!' on the front. I bet you anything I chose people who celebrate Hannakuh or Kwanza or something. My bad.

Later on, I went out to deliver the gift. I decided to give it to a house that I had never seen before, because that way I can't have spent ages beforehand deciding where to send it in particular. There are a few cul-de-sacs near where I live which I'd never walked down before, so one of those seemed like a safe bet. I went for the first cul-de-sac, and spent AGES deciding which particular house to send it to. The houses were very big, which possibly meant they were all rich, and I'd feel oddly bad about giving a gift to people who don't really need it at all. But, then again, the house I live in is pretty big, yet we're not very rich at all, far from it. I eventually chose my house, on the basis that it had quite a lot of Christmas lights up and a crudely sculpted snowman outside (that doesn't mean it was phallic-shaped, I just mean that it was quite messy, in an endearing way though!), believing that this would probably mean that they enjoyed Christmas very much, and that they had children, and people with children lead happier lives apparently (except for when they get post-natal depression, but I'm just going off what I've heard about happiness). I'm sure I looked highly suspicious looking into people's houses, and dropping a letter off into one, all the time with my hood up (it was cold, and I wanted to be mysterious).

The best part was the walk home - I felt SO good, it was insane. Knowing that I've given a gift compeltely selflessly (well, apart from the happiness I felt) was a great feeling, I was smiling all the way home. Until I saw a slug, which made me recoil a little. But that little slimy bastard didn't ruin my night! When I got home, I raved about giving anonymous presents on my Facebook, and Chris liked the sound of it so much, that, even though he isn't tasking yet, has decided he'll probably give an anonymous gift this year too. I advise EVERYONE to do it, it is amazing!

And, with that, I would like to wish everyone who's reading this, and nearly everybody who isn't, a very happy Christmas/Hannakuh/Kwanza/other-festive-holiday! Much love to you all!

xoxox

Pre-Christmas Mini-Christmas Sleepover Extravaganza!

No tasking yesterday, but I love blogging about my days so I'm going to blog about it. Because it was an awesome day. Which was lovely. And definitely very awesome! Prepare for me to use that word a lot in the following entry...

It's the morning after sleeping over at Jay and Kate's. I wasn't feeling the best, I was slightly hungover and I didn't get very much sleep at all the night before, maybe an hour or two, if that? I dunno what time I fell asleep, so it doesn't matter really. I'll have to buy a sleepometor, a new device I just invented that somehow manages to calculate the exact time the user falls asleep for to the very second. I don't know why anyone would want this, but I do know that people probably would. To be fair, I'd be very curious. I may have to approach Dragon's Den with this one. I don't really sleep well anywhere that isn't my bed, and last night I was on the sofa, which was pretty comfy, but... y' know, it's just not quite my bed.

My grogginess aside, when Kate woke up we went upstairs (even though she was strictly speaking already upstairs, but she came downstairs after being upstairs) to go feed the babies. Well, Kate changed their nappies. It was hideous. How can such small people create such a huge amount of poo? Where do they store it? Disgusting, but somewhat incredible. I amused Annabelle very much, because she loves me for some weird reason, but I can never amuse Emily, she's a tough one. Meech and Chris joined a little later, and we watched 'Kung-Fu Panda' in the background. Which is, as the warrior panda may say himself, awesomeness.

We then went downstairs and, all in pyjamas in true Christmas spirit, opened our presents to and from each other. I got Jay a cuddly MRSA superbug virus, because I know she loves diseases (not actually contracting the diseases I hasten to add, she just finds them fascinating), and now she's obssessed with the GiantMicrobes range. I bought Chris THE Book. Yup, 'This Book Will Change Your Life'. We look forward to attempting some tasks together. Meech's present wasn't through yet unfortunately, but hopefully will be soon.

From Chris I got the 'Wanted' graphic novel, which I very much 'wanted' (HAHA, SO FUNNY!). I've only read bits so far, but it's awesome. Completely different from the film, and one of the most fucked-up things I've ever read. From Jay and Kate I got a notepad, which also doubles as a copy of 'Director' magazine, with my name emblazoned on the front (because I aspire to one day direct films), one of those personified things you can buy. Awesome! An early taste of future success! I will use it to keep all my film ideas and notes in. And from Meech I got 'Inglourious Basterds' on DVD, which is awesome because I absolutely LOVE that film. In fact, it's my second or third favourite film of the year, I haven't quite decided yet, but definitely one of the two! Wicked presents all around! Love you guys!

I then had to go home for a bit to look after Hannah, which was a bit annoying because I was missing out on fun at my second home, but didn't mind, it gave me a chance to have a shower, which was desperately needed for my hungover state, and play a bit of bass, because I hadn't had a chance to play it in a while.

Later I went back to Jay and Kate's for a bit. We planned to watch 'Love, Actually', but didn't get around to it. We instead just lazed around a bit, had chips and curry sauce, watched a documentary about an exploding whale, and then started watching a depressing documentary about the death of Michael Jackson. So, documentaries about death, basically. 'Love, Actually' may have been a bit more cheerful, but I've never seen it before, so maybe I'm being lead on to believe it's a super-happy film when it's actually the most depressing film of all time, and makes 'Requiem For A Dream' look like an episode of 'Tellytubbies'. I strongly doubt it, but at least now I'm prepared if it IS the most depressing film ever.

Later, when I got home, I gladly accepted bethwhowishes as my Benrik partner. Which is pretty exciting, and made me feel happy that someone wanted to be my Benrik partner. And we've since vowed to be better at it than any other Benrik partners. So beware!

All in all, life's great right now. In fact, I might even say that it's... What's the word?...

Awesome?

Sunday: Go to your local airport and scare people out of flying

Again, I didn't do my task again today (with pretty good reason, I like to think), so in a way there's no point blogging about it. But, as it is, right now, I'm addicted to blogging, and blogging about my tasking, or even lack thereof, gives me a good focal point. I was gonna say so that I don't ramble on too much, but seeing as I am currently rambling on ABOUT blogging, I guess that would be a moot point. So, I'll just explain my thought processes about this task, at least. I don't even know why I'm explaining this. I guess it seemed like an appropriate introduction before I started writing it...

I wasn't going to go down to my local airport full stop, because that would be pretty far away, I think it's Stanstead or something. Or maybe that small airport in Norwich that I think exists but I could be making up. Who knows? Either way, I didn't have the time or effort to physically go to an airport. And I DEFINITELY wasn't going to dress up like a terrorist whence I'd arrived there and display a selection of bombs around my midriff, like displayed in the book. I dunno, something about that just seems like a joke a little too far...

So, my idea was to merely send an e-mail to an airport (sending letters is how I task most days apparently) saying that I'd heard reports of a terrorist attack being planned on that airport, or, if I wanted to go for something a little more tame, say that I heard something was wrong with the planes. Like that the fellangis were missing or something. But I might not go for fellangis, might get caught out on that one. Although, in a way I suppose this task was super prophetic, seeing as how there are those strikes going on at British Airways, cancelling many people's flights. I'm not sure if they're happening right now, or a bit later, but either way I don't think I needed to ruin more poor people's holidays. British Airways staff have already done my tasking for me...

I didn't do it anyway, for I went to Jay and Kate's that night for our Pre-Christmas Mini-Christmas Sleepover Extravaganza (that's the official name, as of now...). That night, Jay, Kate, Meech, Chris, Benham, and Rosie all got very, VERY drunk and had an awesome night of craziness. There was Absinthe there, which tasted very horrible, but could easily collapse a horse with one sip. As it is, I'm apparently far more powerful than a horse (even though I'm a lightweight) because I managed a glass, but I really didn't need to drink anymore after that. Although I think I did have another glass of rum. Anyways, irrelevant! I accidentally bit my tongue doing my legendary 'Oh Look, A Head Is Sliding Up And Down On That Door Frame!' party trick, which was really embarassing. We played Waterfalls, which made me happy, and played drunken Twister, which got quite gay between me and Benham. There may be hidden feelings there... Also, on a more somber note, R.I.P. Brittany Murphy. I can't say I'm a huge fan of hers, but she voiced Luanne, one of my favourite characters in 'King Of The Hill', so I'd be lying to say that I didn't feel a bit sad. Plus, she is VERY good in 'Girl, Interrupted'.

To get back to my task, I didn't do it in the end. I planned to, but had no time during the day (although really can't remember why), and was far too drunk in the evening. So, not very good tasking, but will definitely work harder next year! So excited! 3 days 'til Christmas! 10 'til the new year! Exciting times ahead!

Saturday: Hang up people's mobile phones for them unless the conversation sounds useful to mankind

Straight up, I didn't do this task. At all. I meant to (I always mean to), but it just never came to fruition. I could defend myself and say that I was really tired after all my essaying. But that would be a lie, so I'm not going to say that. Even though i just did. At least I'm an honest liar...

To be honest, for most of the day I didn't even think about this task. I didn't even really do much at all on Saturday. I did have band practice during the day. I got a phone call in the morning from Craig, the vocalist/guitarist. I was sort of tempted to hang up the phone at any random point to accomplish my task, but I thought that would be rather rude, plus very inconvenient if I was receiving important news. Which I can't remember if I was or not. But regardless, I didn't do it, because I'd have just had to phone him up again, which would have kind of defeated the point of purposefully hanging up in the first place. However, I do regret not doing it anyway, just for the potential amusing confusion (amusion?) that could have stemmed from it.

Band practice went pretty well. There are usually a fair few inter-band arguments most weeks, but, for the most part, everyone was pretty chill this week. Which is good, because I'm totally not the argumentative type, unless my morals are challenged, so I can never really join in. Not that I'm saying I'd want to anyway. We attempted to learn 'Layla' by Derek and the Dominoes (my suggestion to cover, I love a bit of Clapton, as lame as that may, and probably does, make me). I should try and convince the band to somehow throw on the piano outro too, for that is my favourite part. It's kind of hard to learn without vocals (Craig couldn't sing and play guitar at the same time for this song), due to the stop-starty nature of the chorus. Still, fun as hell song, love the tom rolls during the verses, and just trying to go a little bit mental for the ending. Because that's rock 'n' roll.

That was probably very boring to read. My apologies! Kind of your own fault for reading it, but I'm very thankful regardless!

Later that day, I did see two girls walking around on their mobile phones. It was actually a bit like they were trying to tease me, they KEPT walking past me. I have the feeling they were looking for someone, but I don't know seeing as I was listening to my iPod. For all I know, they were totally exploiting the fact that I couldn't hear them. 'Hehe, we're walking past this speccy twat right now, repeatedly, he can't even hear us 'cos his music's on! WE HATE YOU AND ARE GOING TO KILL YOU IN YOUR SLEEP!' Or something like that. I guess I'll never know. I did feel it would have been a good oppertunity to hang up their calls for them, but, ultimately, it comes down to the fact that I didn't want to. I just wouldn't really feel comfortable at all hanging up their phones for them, or trying to convince them to do it themselves. They looked pretty chavvy too, and, being a geeky type, I figured it probably wouldn't have gone down too well. Besides, what's to say that they weren't actually arranging an environmentalist rally over the phone. I'll console myself by imagining that maybe I did help save the world by NOT hanging up their phones for them...

Friday: Moniter the office toilet and discourage people from unnecessary flushing

I was planning to do this task at the Uni today by going into all the toilets, knocking on cubicle doors, telling people to only flush if strictly necessary, then run away. Well, the male toilets anyway, I wasn't down for getting a restraining order banishing me from being within a mile to every woman ever by going into the female toilets and casually chatting to the women about their flushing habits. I wonder if you can get a restraining order from an entire gender? That would be hilarious, but equally terrifying that someone could have actually been so creepy on such an insane level for that to happen.

Anyways, I didn't do this (the toilet knocking that is, not getting a restraining order), because I was working my balls off on my essays and my web project today. So much so that I never actually took a break for the toilet once. Although on my way from one building to another I did have a few snowball fights, 'cos the snow was AWESOME on Friday, it looked lush! I made the best snowball ever created - a snowball with a carrot cake in the middle. Yes, seriously. I saw a carrot cake sticking out of the snow, so I utilised it as part of my ultimate snow-based projectile. It was pretty far from ultimate actually, it didn't glide through the air partiularly well.

So, I got all my work done, a good 4-5 hours of solid work that day (save for snowball fight break), which I'm really proud about. I did have to rush a few final pieces because I left it a little bit late, but hopefully it will all be sufficient. Afterwards I went for Pizza Express with my Uni friends, which was, typically, lovely. I miss classes already, I was just starting to get to know everybody, but I'm looking really forward to the next term now.

Later that night I went to, you guessed it, Jay and Kate's (my new second home) for a night of mildly drunken follies. I can't remember much about this night to be honest, because I'm so delayed with my blogs right now, rest assured it was awesome though. I decided it would also be a good place to carry out my tasking, even if it wasn't a public toilet at all. Although it could be, homeowners should start opening their toilets to strangers for a mere sum. It's a brilliant money-making scheme I think. Anyway, first person to go to this toilet who wasn't me (I'm excluded from being the recipient of these tasks, just... well, because) was James Benham, aka Mr. Small ('cos their are too many James's, and my last name is Small, and I'm small, and he's tall - it's all very confusing). As he went to the toilet I chased him up the stairs and knocked on the door. He opens it (he wasn't peeing yet) and I tell him that he must only flush if strictly necessary. He asks why and I explain that it's because the toilet is a bit broken, which is a complete lie. He really believes me for a minute, until I got increasingly ridiculous (I can't remember how) and he told me to fuck off.

Throughout the night I also told anyone who was going to the toilet to only flush if necessary. Always to a reply of 'Yes, James'. Their may have been sarcasm in their replies, but I didn't notice any! Later on I told Benham (sorry, calling him by my last name is way too confusing) that he should mind his flushing again. To the reply of 'fuck off', again. Not particularly funny to read, but the way he delivered it was perfect. Good times!

Walking home that night was doubly lush. The snow had iced over and was really glossy and glittery, and it looked beautiful. There's no point beyond this paragraph than my observation that the snow looked lush. But it really, really did.

Thursday: Discreetly knock light bulbs in other people's homes to break the filament

Fortunately for the state of other people's lighting resources, I didn't strictly speaking go to anybody else's homes but mine today. If I had have gone would I have broken their bulbs? I'd try. And try I did.

But I didn't go to anybody else's home? No, but I did go to Uni that day. Uni isn't someone's home exactly, although it could be, the Waterfront building is actually open 24/7, so if I'm ever kicked out of my house I'm totally crashing there. In fact, I may exploit this for the day where I have to be homeless next year... But, as it is, I'll save that for next year. Must not think too far ahead! Anyways, light bulb breaking. I figured the Uni would be a good place to do this, as I wouldn't have too much of a guilty conscience on my hands, seeing as their are many, many lights in the building. But, alas, all the bulbs in any of the lecture rooms were hidden underneath big sheets of plastic. I know this because, not only did I have a screening as part of my course (where we watched 'Trainspotting', one of my favourite films!) and I observed the lighting in that room, but I also had a peek around the building, looking in empty rooms (the doors are never locked here, they're begging to get stuff nicked) after the screening.

I stayed at the Uni after the screening to do some of my intense amount of essays, and at one point, as one would suspect being somewhere for a few hours, nature called. Yes, it seems I spend a lot of my time tasking this week in the Uni toilets. I looked at the lights, and I thought that they would probably also be covered by plastic, but I decided to have a closer look. Hallelujah! No plastic cover, just pure light bulb based goodness (a sentence I never thought I'd write). But then another problem arose. I had no objects with which to break the light bulb with.

Actually, that's sort of a lie. I decided to use a can of deodorant that I had in my bag, it was the heaviest thing I had, short of my own body or the bag it was in. I was slightly terrified that the bulb would shatter, and a piece of glass would shred through the deodorant, spraying me with the solvent. But this didn't seem likely, so I went ahead with it. Unfortunately, it DID shatter, it DID tear the deodorant can, and it DID spray me!

Nah, I'm totally lying, sorry if I had anyone excited. I didn't actually break the filament. I was scared to knock too hard, because I only wanted to break the filament, not the glass. And I was also nervous that someone would walk into the bathroom at any moment to see an arm reaching above a cubicle, tapping a light bulb with a deodorant can. Actually, I shouldn't have worried about that at all, that would be one of the most awesome, bizarre things to walk in on. So, I didn't really do the task. AGAIN! I'm pathetic this week. To be fair though, they were energy-saving light bulbs. And surely, to destroy something that does it's best to save energy would actually be quite regressive in an attempt to save the world?

Wednesday: Hide people's car keys so they have to take the bus

This blog entry probably won't be the funniest, 'cos I'm pretty upset right now. I was looking so forward to having a mini-Christmas Day with my friends on the upcoming Monday, and now I find out I may not be able to do it because I have to look after Hannah. Which is pretty devastating. But oh well, I kinda need to get my blogs out of the way, I've been so bogged down in essays lately that I'm a bit behind. And because of this my tasking hasn't been the best either, so I guess it's kind of pointless blogging about these particular tasks. So here it is, a slightly heartbroken blog entry. Who know, maybe it'll cheer me up a bit?

So this is Wednesday, when I was instructed to hide people's car keys so they had to take the bus. I initially thought I had fucked this one up, seeing as I overslept quite a lot (like I do every morning at the moment) and was planning to hide the car keys from Stewart, or Steve as Jay and I now prefer to call him, before he left for work. Although this really wouldn't have been a good idea, seeing as he's a bit of a twat and would most likely have blamed me (although with good reason this time). Besides, in retrospect I would have had to have woken up before 7 in the morning to do that. And, quite frankly, fuck that shit.

Fortunately, I hadn't fucked up because Stewart didn't actually go to work today. Besides, I doubt I would have really done it even if I could have. So anyways, later on I stroll into the living room while Meg is watching the TV, grab the car keys from the mantelpiece, and chuck them under the sofa cushion (as shown in the picture in the Diary, I'm really original like that). Meg is very confused, and asks what I'm doing. I explain and she tells me that it it is definitely NOT a good idea if Steve wants to drive to pick up Hannah from school (which he shouldn't anyway, 'cos it's super-lazy). So I relented. I put them back on the mantelpiece, because I knew, as I've said about three times before in this entry, that it would be a really dumb idea. As it is he actually walked anyway, so it wouldn't have really worked. At all.

Later that evening my family and I were going to go to the cinema, and I was tempted to hide the keys just before, make Mum search for them, convince her for us to take the bus, then produce them last minute ("Oh! They were under the couch! What were they doing there?") if she was pissed off. Which she would be. So I didn't do it. I was supposed to ask her before we went if we could take the bus to save the world, but I totally forgot. Oh wells. Some good world-saving today, definitely!

We went to the cinema, as planned. We were going to see 'Nativity!', which I wasn't too excited about to be honest, but I was exploited for my Unlimited card and my Orange Wednesday texts. But cinema's cinema, and I love the cinema, so I was happy to go. Unfortunately, Meg and I are stupid, and read the film times wrong, so we missed the last screening of 'Nativity!'. All day I was trying to convince everyone to see 'Avatar' instead because a) It's a James Cameron film, b) I've been waiting 3 bloody years for it!, and c) Did I mention it's a James Cameron film? Alas, Hannah wasn't up for it, because 11 year-olds have terrible taste in movies. And I still feel like the worst James Cameron fan in the world for the fact that I haven't seen it yet. Failing that, I tried to convince everyone to see 'Where The Wild Things Are', which Hannah actually wanted to see, because 11 year-olds occasionally have really good taste in movies. Alas, Meg and Mum didn't wanna see it (Meg says she finds the Wild Things scary... Which is partly the point of them!). So instead we settled for 'Planet 51'. Bloody 'Planet 51'. Jesus.

Actually, it wasn't too bad. But nor was it particularly very good. But oh well, everyone else really liked it. And I'm sure I'd have seen it eventually, seeing as it had the voices of Gary Oldman and Justin Long in it. And I have just rambled about films for a very long time.

And, by the way, I do feel better now! I've been talking to my wonderful friends Jay and Chris while writing this entry, so things are getting sorted out, and has made my heart lift up from my stomach a considerable amount! I love my friends!

Tuesday: Turn off the water in public toilets while people's hands are still soapy

The main problem with this task was that I had a very jam-packed schedule on Tuesday, Uni during the day, go to Jay and Kate's in the evening. So, the best bet was to turn off the taps at Uni, right? Well, we have these proper swish bathrooms at the new Waterfront building. Toilets that are pretty much ALWAYS clean! Amazing taps that sploosh out water super fast! Those awesome hand dryers that you stick your hands in and they dry the hands within 10 seconds! Even some of that alcoholic hand gel stuff if you can't be bothered to wash your hands! I love these bathrooms! They are genuinely the only public toilets I will ever rave about. In fact, I can't believe I am raving about them. Mainly because they are toilets, and that's a really odd thing to rave about. But also, because...

Yup, that's right. It's impossible to turn the taps off. They are those taps you push in once and then just let them be. Which I love, because I hate having to touch taps that my germ-infested hands have just touched minutes before, kinda defeats the purpose of washing your hands in my opinion. But they are not good for this task, dammit! I tried pulling them back up after pushing them down, but no, you can't do that. I guess I could have just pulled someone's hands away while they were soapy, but that might be considered assault, and I can't save the world in prison! Although there could be twisty taps in prison... If only I could go back in time...

So, so much for doing this task at Uni. But anyways, unto pastures new. That night I went to Jay and Kate's for a night of drinking and merriment. It was an awesome night, I was just happy to be in the company of my bestest friends ever. We played a game of Waterfalls, that, as per usual, ended up just being plain anarchy. I revealed my completely real orgasm noise to everyone, which sounds something like a demented bird yelling for attention. And is definitely my real orgasm noise. We all looked at WAAAAAY too many funny pictures. Although, really, there can't be too many funny pictures, because they are awesome. I also showed off my killer dance moves to Jay and Kate, and later rocked out to old-skool nu-metal with Kate. I swear there was something else to say about the night too, but fucked if I can remember what it was. Awesome night, though.

I also got to (sort of) accomplish my task. If it were possible, I would have burst into the bathroom after someone used the toilet and turned off the taps while in use, but I didn't figure I could do this seeing as the door would probably be locked (although I don't know how many people actually DO lock the door - one to investigate? It'll make sure they do lock the door in the future...) So, when my lovely friend Michelle went to the toilet, I asked her if I could burst in when she was washing her hands and turn off the tap. She gladly obliged, and, after waiting a minute for her to pee (I wasn't gonna listen in to find out when she'd finished) I ran in and mischievously turned off the tap, giggling like an evil schoolgirl the entire time. She chased me out of the bathroom, threatening to wipe her soapy hands over me! What a prank! Well, okay, she knew it was happening (obviously), but we acted like it was a prank anyway. Because that's the way it should be. Yeah, it wasn't a public bathroom, but that shouldn't be important. What is important is that Meech and I are clearly the best pranksters in the world. Pranksters that save the world with their pranks! It's a concept that definitely needs to take off...

Week 51: This week, save the planet at any cost. Monday - Turn other people's electrical appliances off while they're not looking

And the award for longest blog entry title ever goes to...

I'm gonna try and keep this brief, because I have essays to do. But brief for me always turns into a long clusterfuck of ramblings from my head, and is right now as a matter of fact. So I will stop this now! Immediately! Yup, this very second!

So this week I have stupid tasks to do to help save the planet, tasks that will get me hated most probably, but if it saves the planet then it will be worth it, surely. Thing is, and call me a sceptic, but I doubt it will really save the planet. Thus making it not worth being hated. But oh well. On with the tasking!

This is Monday's task, to turn off other people's electrical appliances while they're not looking. I started as early as possible. Upon going downstairs to get breakfast, I heard Meg's TV was left on in her room. Energy waster!!! I immediately ran up there and switched off the TV, and the light too while I was at it. I then went downstairs and switched off the hair dryer while she was using it, and turned some more lights off while at it. Good start.

I was tempted to switch off the computer while Meg was on it, but knew that that would be a bit too far. But after displaying my day's task to Hannah by running into the main room and switching off the TV while she was watching it, to many cries of 'WHAT THE HELL?', I decided to pretend I turned off the computer while Meg was on it by getting Meg to shout at me while I laughed maniacally and Hannah listened on. Unfortunately, Hannah did not fall for our incredible prank. Shame, it could have been funny.

Later, during dinner with the family, I randomly got up and switched the lights off, which no one seemed impressed with. And, as a last act of world-saving heroism, I ran into the living room again and switched off the TV and lights whilst Hannah was watching it, plunging her in darkness and the echoes of my evil laughter. But it's not evil if I'm saving the world. That's my defence. Although, secretly, I did kind of enjoy the evil aspect to this task. A little bit.

That night I went to Jay and Kate's. I could have been horrible and switched off the electrical appliances here too, but my deed had been done. Besides, I'd kill someone if they switched off the Wii while I was halfway through playing a game, so, do unto others and all that jazz... We later went and watched their cat Athena (I think that's how you spell it) squirm around in her cute little cat tunnel while we taunted her with a ball on the end of a rope (a cat toy one, we didn't just tie a random ball to the end of a rope). It was hilarious, she was proper vicious with it, it was like watching a giant blue worm writhe around in agony as a cat-shaped chestburster incubated inside broke free from its cage. Or something like that. Simply put, it was fucking funny.

I think I actually kept this quite brief. Amazing!

Week 50: Closure Week

Strictly speaking I didn't get around to doing Closure Week, but I'm going to make up for it now by closuring... Or whatever the hell the doing word is for gaining closure ('gaining closure' is probably the best bet actually). I'd attempted to see my friend, and, incidentally, ex-girlfriend, Amanda all week, but unfortunately this never came to fruition, as we were both very busy. I'd attempted some of my bonus tasks this week, as you have seen the results of. And I very badly attempted Unwanted Advice Day(s), but I'll write about that another time. But for now... Closure.

I am focusing on Amanda, because, strictly speaking I guess she's been my only girlfriend proper. And even then it was an end-of-primary school/beginning-of-high-school romance. So, not overtly romantic, but still lovely. Apart from her, I did have a girlfriend for but a day in high school, a relationship which I ended when I realised it wasn't really what I wanted (weird, I know, I'd fucking kill to have a girlfriend now). And I had a weird fling/affair thing two years ago, which I really won't go into detail about, for certain reasons. As it stands, Amanda's always been my only official girlfriend.

So here is the Closure Form written out for Amanda (I didn't ask her permission to do this, but we're good friends, so I don't think she'll mind);

Ex's name: Amanda
Details of relationship: Girlfriend and boyfriend in primary school/high school
Is my: Ex-girlfriend
(Her) Current status: In a long-term relationship
The sex was: Non-existent (we were like 11, you sick fucks!)
Length of relationship: 1 year, 1 month, ? days (roughly)
Dates of relationship: No idea... 1999-2000 maybe?
Details of closure -
Whose fault was it the relationship failed?: Mine
Official reason the relationship failed: Because I'm chickenshit, and was too scared to be in a relationship
My apology for something I'd done: I'm sorry I was a pussy
Their apology for something they'd done: N/A, although she really wouldn't have to apologise for anything
Unwanted advice provided by me: Don't date wimps!
Unwanted advice provided by them: N/A
Abuse to vent out my frustrations: None, I have no frustrations about it, only towards my past self really
Abuse to vent out their frustrations: N/A
Offer of one-night stand for old times' sake: N/A, though I assure you it would have been declined

So there we have it, the OFFICIAL report on the greatest relationship of my life! And also, a good insight into how pathetic my love life has been since then. Amanda, if you're reading this, you should know that I'm still extremely sorry about breaking it up! But it's awesome that we're friends now, she even still has a necklace I gave her once for Valentine's Day.

Now I have fully experienced closure! What have I learned from looking back at my past romances? That love is not something to be scared of, but to be embraced. Make the most of whatever love you give/recieve, for it is probably the greatest thing in the world. You'll know it when it feels right. All that cliched stuff, that, while cheesy, is all true. I love love!

Although, debatably, love is not as awesome as watching a cat go crazy in a little cat tunnel. But more on that in my next blog...

Test the state's sense of humour today

I actually did this over the course of three days, but I'm not good with bonus tasks...

So, this task, 'Test the state's sense of humour today', involved me simply writing a letter to the state saying that I am planning to overthrow them, but that I will give them a chance to surrender. With full name and address written below. Sending it to 10 Downing Street. Simple, right?

Well, yes, very simple. But I'm a bit of a pussy, to be honest. Testing someone's sense of humour is all fair and well (within limits), but testing the state's sense of humour with the threat of a coup? Seems a little bit dodgy. They could think I'm a terrorist, come to our house, search through all our shit, find something mildly suspicious (I dunno what, but you never know, this is why I pussied out, I assure you I own no terrorist paraphenalia though!), arrest me, interrogate me, 'search' me (the hand-up-the-arse kind of searching), etc. etc. So, whilst this is the unlikeliest of scenarios, you can just never know, especially if they DID believe the letter and sent the country into a state of panic.

At first, I really did think I was gonna proper go for it, full letter and all. On Tuesday, I wrote the letter. A good start! I didn't have a stamp though, and forgot to get one, so didn't send it off today. Instead, I went to the cinema to see 'A Serious Man'. It was amazing. That night, I watched 'The Unborn'. It was God fucking awful.

On Wednesday, I bought a first-class stamp and got an envelope - major steps in the act of letter sending! I was unsure as to whether to send it or not, but seeing as I'm a bit out of whack with reality sometimes, I decided a second opinion would be better. And a third, fourth, fifth, etcetera, opinion whilst at it. I asked Meg. She was unsure. I asked Mum. She was unsure, although she did think more than anything that the letter would just be ignored and discarded. I asked Jay and Kate (after we watched an awesome episode of 'True Blood' - that show gets better and better!). They were also unsure. So, general consensus? I think everyone was unsure. So I pussied out. I decided I'd find a way around it.

My first idea was to grab some crayons, write it all up really scrappily, then give a false name and claim my age as 8 on the letter. It seemed like a funny idea, and I was gonna go through with it, but I had another idea, which I thought would be more likely to get me an answer.

On Thursday I wrote up my new letter. Here it is, in it's entirety (okay, that's a lie, I've hidden my address, but still);

Dear Mr. Brown

Thank you for the taking the time to read this. I am currently writing a satirical screenplay for part of my dissertation on my Honours degree course (and don’t worry, I go easy on the state, it’s just a theoretical piece of fiction), so would like to ask a slightly strange, but no less important, question. Answering this would be helpful to writing the critical review for my piece.

Theoretically, if someone were to write jokingly to you saying that they were planning to overthrow the state and that they would give you a chance to surrender, giving their full name and address, but it wasn’t made clear that they were joking, what would the response be? Would the country be sent into a state of panic? Would the letter-writer be interrogated immediately? Would it be regarded as an obvious joke and immediately discarded? Or none of the above?

Hope to hear from you soon, thank you in advance.

Sincerely,
James Small

Okay, so this is complete and utter bullshit. I'm not writing a satirical screenplay as part of my dissertation. Hell, I'm not even doing my dissertation yet (though I would be if I hadn't fucked up my second year, but still). I'm against lying, but this was an extreme circumstance! I figured it is more likely to get my required answer than the crayon idea. And less likely to get me interrogated than the original plan.

Just hopefully they don't find the question suspicious, look up all my vital info, and find out I'm not doing my dissertation. Suspicions may be abound! Unlikeliest of scenarios though...


Update on 'This week, make friends with an insect';
I finally buried Shelly. R.I.P. Shelly. Yes, I did have her corpse in my company for that long. Disgusting, I know. To be fair, I totally forgot about her, which is a good sign of closure from her death, I think! And hey, it is 'Closure Week' after all...

Today, fight the power

Yes! Fighting the power! I've always wanted to fight the power since I first heard Public Enemy spit some dope rhymes in a song about fighting the power a while back... Can't remember the name of the song though...

This week is actually Closure Week, where I'm supposed to catch up with an ex-girlfriend and analyse the relationship in order to gain 'closure'. But I have to wait until I can see Amanda to sort this one out (although it is worth noting that I have had closure from this near-decade-ago relationship for a long time, but I'll play along Benrik!). So, as it is, I am still attempting bonus tasks.

Another ambiguous one today (or yesterday, blah). My first step is to work out who the power is from the following options; church, government, media, corporations, military-industrial complex, or alien mind-control. The second step is to see whether my fighting of said power will result in a victory, defeat, or draw.

I firmly believe that classic 90's dance group Snap have the power, seeing as they wrote a song about having 'the power' (though, again, the name of the song escapes me...). They openly admitted to it too! And if they have the power, surely they also have the power over the power, thus making them THE power. Right? One to think about...

The word 'power' has honestly lost all meaning.

Anyways, I hit up the ever trusty Google to research which of the listed groups is the power. As I did this, I played 'Fight The Power' (I remembered the title!) by Public Enemy for inspiration. Plus, if the song was succesful enough in it's aims, it might just do the job for me.

Through extensive research (Yahoo answers, basically), I decided that the government is the power. After all, the government controls the media, corporations and military-industrial complex (though I couldn't find anything on if the government was controlled by aliens). The church would have been the power, a long time ago, but not really so much nowadays. So, yay! I get to fight the government.

So, I loaded a train with bombs and drove it straight to beneath the Houses of Parliament! Success!

Ahem. Nah. I didn't get quite that radical, alas. In case you hadn't noticed the lack of news on the Houses of Parliament being blown up. Fortunately, an oppertunity (of sorts) arose to fight the government. My sister Meg had applied for an Adult Learning Grant, a company that grants money to students... But only if they're doing their first qualification course. Meg was doing her second, so was rejected, much to our dismay. We didn't think that the amount of qualifications she had done should make an iota of difference to whether or not she can get a loan. So, it was time to fight the power (or, at least, take a lunge at it's legs and gnaw on them slightly)!

My technique wasn't particularly revolutionary. But hopefully it will do the trick. It's tried and tested, I guess. I wrote a letter to the Adult Learning Grant company to appeal their decision, complaining that it was unfair to only grant first qualification students legible for loans. It wasn't an angry letter, but probably should have been. However, I wanted to be a lot more subdued in my attack. Here is the letter;

Dear sir or madam

You recently rejected my sister’s application for an Adult Learning Grant, and we wish to appeal against the decision. Whilst you do state that students are only legible for the grant if they are doing their first qualification course, and my sister is doing her second, we feel that this is extremely unfair. It shouldn’t make a difference whether or not a student is taking their first, second, etc., qualification, the fact remains that as a hard-working learner, they are just as legible as anyone else to be given a grant if necessary. In my sister’s case, the money is extremely important to her learning, as money is needed for the bus in and out of college each day, any trips on the course, and books needed to learn, a situation made more difficult by the fact that she has recently lost a job.

I hope you can understand why the grant is important to her, and hopefully won’t neglect other people who are taking qualifications beyond their first.

Yours sincerely,
James Small

Obviously, this will probably need to be rephrased as being from Meg, and she hasn't checked over the letter yet, but this is the foundation for my blistering assault on the government. Once she has approved a final copy, I will send off the letter, and let you know whether my fight against the power was a win, lose, or draw. Okay, so yes, it's not the power, but it's a subsidary of the power. And I'm taking out the legs first...

Movie Review: 'The Box'

Back in 2001, a young writer/director named Richard Kelly made a film called Donnie Darko (yes, it really was that long ago). It was an incredible movie, loved by critics and, depsite it's indie credentials, audiences everywhere. The film worked because it was unlike anything seen before, a subversive blend of arthouse surrealism and mainstream drama, with an incredibly affecting ending. The film's weirdness is often focussed on. After seeing The Box, Kelly's latest, the director's debut seems incredibly normal.

The Box starts off (relatively) simple. Set in 1970's Virginia, a young couple, Arthur (James Marsden) and Norma (Cameron Diaz), striving to give their son an education at a top school, are given a mysterious box by the charming, heavily scarred Arlington Steward (Frank Langella). He posits them with a moral dilemma - if they decide to press the encased button they will recieve $1million. However, someone who they don't know will also die. Sounds far too narrow a plotline, right? How can they make a whole movie out of that?

Well, if it helps, by halfway through the movie, you'll forget it was ever about a box. What follows is something of a conspiracy thriller gone off the rails. Kelly can't even stick to one genre in his fevered attempt to destroy the brains of audiences worldwide, flitting through sci-fi, horror, drama, and even fantasy, as the reality of Steward's plans become (slightly) clear. This is not an easy film to follow - towards the end it almost becomes a mess of half-baked ideas, becoming like one of those TV shows (Lost, Heroes, etc.) which open so many plot strands that there's almost no way of tying them up coherently. That most of the plot strands are tied up is testament to Kelly's skill, both as a writer, and as a lunatic who's brain can seem to process a billion things at once.

Sure, there's a lot of stuff that's not explained, and this becomes even more apparent upon a rewatch. And a lot of elements are left incredibly ambiguous. Who are Steward's 'employers' he so frequently refers to? It's up to us, the audience, to figure that out. And you can tell that Kelly wants it that way. In fact, above all, the audacity of this film can't help but be admired. Here we have a big, Hollywood blockbuster blueprint, with a twisty plot, a 12A rating, and Cameron Diaz in the lead. However, Kelly just can't resist, and tries to mess with the audience the whole time. Complex moral questions pepper the whole piece, challenging us not just to think about the plot, but to think about humanity, philosophy, and ethics. Not only all this, but he ends the film on an unsettling, disturbing note, a ten-minute long scene that not only presents us with an even more complex moral issue that the film's starter, but also one of the most puzzling final shots in recent memory. This is the kind of film you'll need flipcharts and multiple-coloured pens to follow perfectly.

However, as brain-bustingly bamboozling as it all may be, it's also extremely entertaining, and this is why it all works. Your head may begin to ache after a while, but you'll also be gripped, wondering how the hell it can all possibly make sense. The big twists are perhaps not as satisfying as they should be, but, then again, your mind has to make half of them up. All the central performances are also very impressive, particularly Langella as Steward, who manages to be completely charming and completely psychotic at the same time, never once losing his cool, but even more creepy because of it. The CGI that is used to cut off half of his face is also incredibly impressive, with many 'how the hell did they do that?' moments. In fact, the only problem is that it's somewhat distracting from his performance, such is the incredibly grotesque quality of it.

If you're prepared to sit down, let your brain ache, and have a good think whilst at it, The Box is a blast. If you're not in this state of mind however, you'll probably still have a blast, wondering just where it can go after it reaches the pinnacle of it's insanity. And even if the final destination disappoints you, the journey is well worth it.

4/5

Today, volunteer for jihad on behalf of the West

Okay, so I'll admit it - I had no idea how the fuck I could even attempt to do this one. The aim was to, and I quote, 'drop everything, book a ticket to the Pakistani badlands, and tell your proud family you're off to join the battle on behalf of Mozart, Shakespeare and Rembrandt.' Oooookay. Well, because I a) am not suicidal, b) am against war, c) don't have a lot of money, and d) don't take this book THAT seriously, it was immediately obvious that there was no way in hell that I was gonna actually gonna go to Pakistan and start slaying soldiers so I could make Europe proud.

So, I tried really hard (and I mean, I've been thinking since I got the book), about ways around this. When, one day, my beautiful friend Jay, beacon of knowledge that she is, told me that there are two forms of jihad, lesser jihad and greater jihad. Lesser jihad is pretty much battle, going to war to protect your country/beliefs. However, greater jihad is battling for oneself, one's country, one's beliefs - but without any physical violence involved. Kind of more spiritual, and more patriotic in a less jingoistic way.

So, being the genius that I (debatably) am, I decided that the only way around this was to be super patriotic on behalf of Europe for a day! I figured this pretty much makes sense, although my loose grasp on politics (even though I find politics kinda interesting) means that my way of thinking is probably slightly special. Twist the term 'special' to how you feel it relates to me.

Being super-patriotic wasn't easy, although that's mainly because I had no idea how. So, unfortuantely, I didn't go about it the best way. But here's what I tried.

I planned to wear a t-shirt that was made and sold in Europe in the morning. However, I was in a rush, so I just threw on my McLovin shirt, which promotes an American movie, and was probably made in some factory in China. Bad, bad start.

On the way up to Uni, I got out some money from the cash machine, and kissed the picture of the Queen. Now, I feel that THAT was pretty patriotic. I don't think that anyone saw me, which is a very good thing, because I felt a bit odd for doing it. But that's how I show my love for Europe, dammit!

Upon leaving the bus up to Uni, I decided to use a very British phrase (you can see this is mainly patriotic towards the UK, I should've spoken a bit of German or something); 'Cheers, mate!'. Or it could be a very Australian phrase. Depends on how you say it in your head. In my head it's Australian, weirdly. It sounded very unnatural coming from me, I sometimes use the word 'mate', but it usually depends on company, and it's not something I say a lot anyway.

However, the main thing I did to be patriotic was to only listen to music from Europe. I listen to a lot of music, as I always have my iPod on shuffle when travelling. So today, I skipped any bands that weren't European, and instead listened to loads of British bands, with the odd German or Swedish metal band thrown in for good measure. The good news is, this meant I got to listen to a fair amount of Jesu and Fuck Buttons. The bad news is, it meant I had to listen to Tom Jones (and if you're wondering why he's on my iPod, he did a Bond theme). Actually, I didn't really mind that too much at all, he has quite the set the lungs! It meant I had to skip a lot of awesome bands (I was totally in the mood for Between The Buried And Me), but I still got a whole load of decent tunes.

I only cheated twice. Once was because I really wanted to listen to 'Dear Jamie... Sincerely Me' by Hellogoodbye (I've been craving to listen to that song for ages, so I YouTubed it), and once when we listened to Pink's (or P!nk's, I'm not sure what it is) 'Funhouse' album at Jay and Kate's. However, this was very much made up for by the fact that I didn't actually tell anybody I was only listening to European music (though I probably should have), and because we also listened to Fleetwood Mac and The Levellers.

So what have we learned about patriotism today, kids? Yes, that's right! We have learned that to be truly patriotic, you must only listen to music from your own continent! Now all I have to do is tell the whole world, and maybe all the wars will end...

Week 49: This week, let Benrik track your location via your mobile phone

Firstly, an apology. I haven't updated much over the last few days, and won't be able to keep it up hugely well, seeing as my computer at home is completely and utterly fucked. As soon as I became Benrikian of the month, I might be souring my legacy because of my stupid computer! Grrr!!! Rest assured though, I will be keeping tasks going. I'm writing this from Uni at the moment, so until we get our home computer sorted out, updates won't be as frequent. Hopefully can sort it out as soon as possible though!

I was looking forward to this week. Benrik were to track my location, then text me impromptu tasks to do, most probably at the worst possible times. It sounded like it should have been an absolute blast, with chaos and anarchy ruling over my everyday routines. Fantastic!

So on Monday I held close to my mobile phone all day, knowing Benrik already had my number, and assuming they could probably figure out where I was via the fact that surveillance these days is fucking terrifying and is probably tracking us all every minute of the day.

I spent the evening with Jay and Kate and the babies, as we went to Asda for an immense shopping session, tried out the most tart lemon juice drink in the world, and talked at length about all having an orgy. This is true, but probably not as bad as it sounds. Then I went to theirs for a while, and we shared amazing animal facts. Well, to be honest, I shared one, but being the fountain of knowledge she is, Jay had tons. I did not know before that killer bees were a genetic experiment from scientists hybridising American and African bees. That's terrifying I think. Fuck you, scientists! And fuck you, science, whilst we're at it! Although that's only because I hated science with a passion in high school...

When I got home, I found out, unfortunately, that I could not partake in this week's task. It turns out I would need an iPhone, an Android phone (whatever that is), or a BlackBerry. I have a little, simple Nokia. I also don't have GPS facilities on my phone, or an unlimited free data contract. And, whilst my phone, like all technology in my life, is a little fucked, it does the job, and I just don't have the money to shell out loads on a new phone and new contract. Well, I do have the money. But it's Christmas. I should be buying for other people, not me.

Didn't stop me buying 'Prototype' on XBox 360 yesterday though, which is a wicked game...

Life's been a little miserable of late to be honest. I'm not really coping with the bad stuff in my life too well at the moment. Falling out with friends, having my computer crash. It's been a little depressing. Fortunately, my friends who I haven't fallen out with (not that I make a habit of it, if that's how that came across) are awesome, and are helping me through these bad times a lot. Thanks guys! There was another wicked party at Jay's on Tuesday night, which did become mildly depressing at one point, but that was my fault for dwelling on bad shit whilst in a very drunken state. But, aside from that, it was amazing. I love you guys so much!

In the absence of being able to task properly this week, I have been (very badly) attempting the bonus tasks. Will let you know how that goes in my next blog, whenever that may be...