Right, I know I really should be doing my essay right now, but it's actually driving me mad that I'm running behind on blogs a bit, I feel so behind the times! So, I'm gonna update this now, and work my arse off on my essay tomorrow and Thursday. As it is, despite being long, it's a pretty easy to write essay anyway, and is going far better than I thought it would, and don't have much left to do at all. So, I'm not overly worried about it. And sorry Jay! I know you said you won't have any more sex with me if I didn't do my essay tonight, but you know you'll be back for more! For our crazy mid-air sex and BRRRRRRRRAHHHHHHing of course!
So I'm writing here about Sunday, where I had to help out our military by sending a letter to an army personel and advise them as to any oncoming attacks. Well, I didn't do this exactly, because I have no idea how you're supposed to write to someone from the army. Finding out a name isn't too hard, but how do you find out their regiment and their position and all that stuff? I was very tempted to send an e-mail to a guy I vaguely know (was 'friends' with a few years back) who happens to be in the army. But I figured it may perhaps be a bit obvious if I e-mailed this guy I haven't talked to in ages some bullshit advice about potential attacks coming their way or something, as exampled in the book. I considered doing it from a different e-mail address, claiming anonymity, but, after ages of umming and ahhing, I had a far better (read: stupider) and edgier idea...
I would become friends of the British Army on Twitter! And thus, with this beautiful relationship having blossomed, I could help them in some way. I wasn't keen on the idea of sending them something from my normal Twitter profile however (I use that for DEADLY SERIOUS purposes), so i made a new one. Everyone, say hi to Colonel Stephen Quarritch - http://twitter.com/cnlquarritch! In case anyone thinks that name sounds familiar, Quarritch is the badass motherfucker villain in the hit blockbuster 'Avatar'. If you haven't seen the film, Quarritch is a super jingoistic, patriotic, macho, military douchebag hard-ass who demands his military to obtain a rare element, called Unobtainium (yes, really), on the beautiful planet of Pandora - and will go to any measures to satisfy his needs. So he seemed like the perfect guy to help out our military, providing there was some dodgy deal going on...
Who is that badass above? The original Quarritch of course. In a giant robot. Holy mother of fuck. If that picture was any more awesome, it would... No, it actually couldn't BE any more awesome...
After giving Cnl Quarritch a nice tweet that totally isn't an exact line from 'Avatar', I sent a short message to the British Army - 'Still lacking helicopters? My military can provide aerial gunships for a good price. We just need to cut a deal...' Oooh, satirical! If you can give it that much credit... I was prepared for further correspondence by letting them know if they launched an attack on one side of Pandora, Quarritch's army could sneakily steal the Unobtainium from the other side. Unfortunately, no replies have been given from the British Army yet. Which is good, cos I don't want Pandora to be destroyed. Plus, it doesn't exist. And nor do the aerial gunships I promised in return for their good work. And nor does Stephen (I just took the actor's first name) Quarritch. So, the 'deal' would have been incredibly fruitless. But I offered 'my' services at least, and that's all that was needed.
On a film, but not military, related note, later that night I watched 'Hotel For Dogs'. Honestly. And it was actually quite good. Genuinely. Dave, Chloe and I planned a 'Doggy Day' a long time ago, where we would go to the cinema one day and quadruple bill 'Hotel For Dogs', 'Marley And Me', 'Beverly Hills Chihuahua', and, of course, the doggiest of all these films, 'Slumdog Millionaire'. Unfortunately, all these films were released at different times, but I still vowed to see them all. And now I have seen the entire tetralogy. And 'Hotel For Dogs' was actually quite good. I had been in a shitty mood the last few days, so I needed something to cheer me up. And what could cheer me up more than a hotel for dogs? Nothing! That's what!
Okay, maybe Quarritch kicking arse in a giant robot could. Hells yeah!
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