Tuesday: Turn off the water in public toilets while people's hands are still soapy

The main problem with this task was that I had a very jam-packed schedule on Tuesday, Uni during the day, go to Jay and Kate's in the evening. So, the best bet was to turn off the taps at Uni, right? Well, we have these proper swish bathrooms at the new Waterfront building. Toilets that are pretty much ALWAYS clean! Amazing taps that sploosh out water super fast! Those awesome hand dryers that you stick your hands in and they dry the hands within 10 seconds! Even some of that alcoholic hand gel stuff if you can't be bothered to wash your hands! I love these bathrooms! They are genuinely the only public toilets I will ever rave about. In fact, I can't believe I am raving about them. Mainly because they are toilets, and that's a really odd thing to rave about. But also, because...

Yup, that's right. It's impossible to turn the taps off. They are those taps you push in once and then just let them be. Which I love, because I hate having to touch taps that my germ-infested hands have just touched minutes before, kinda defeats the purpose of washing your hands in my opinion. But they are not good for this task, dammit! I tried pulling them back up after pushing them down, but no, you can't do that. I guess I could have just pulled someone's hands away while they were soapy, but that might be considered assault, and I can't save the world in prison! Although there could be twisty taps in prison... If only I could go back in time...

So, so much for doing this task at Uni. But anyways, unto pastures new. That night I went to Jay and Kate's for a night of drinking and merriment. It was an awesome night, I was just happy to be in the company of my bestest friends ever. We played a game of Waterfalls, that, as per usual, ended up just being plain anarchy. I revealed my completely real orgasm noise to everyone, which sounds something like a demented bird yelling for attention. And is definitely my real orgasm noise. We all looked at WAAAAAY too many funny pictures. Although, really, there can't be too many funny pictures, because they are awesome. I also showed off my killer dance moves to Jay and Kate, and later rocked out to old-skool nu-metal with Kate. I swear there was something else to say about the night too, but fucked if I can remember what it was. Awesome night, though.

I also got to (sort of) accomplish my task. If it were possible, I would have burst into the bathroom after someone used the toilet and turned off the taps while in use, but I didn't figure I could do this seeing as the door would probably be locked (although I don't know how many people actually DO lock the door - one to investigate? It'll make sure they do lock the door in the future...) So, when my lovely friend Michelle went to the toilet, I asked her if I could burst in when she was washing her hands and turn off the tap. She gladly obliged, and, after waiting a minute for her to pee (I wasn't gonna listen in to find out when she'd finished) I ran in and mischievously turned off the tap, giggling like an evil schoolgirl the entire time. She chased me out of the bathroom, threatening to wipe her soapy hands over me! What a prank! Well, okay, she knew it was happening (obviously), but we acted like it was a prank anyway. Because that's the way it should be. Yeah, it wasn't a public bathroom, but that shouldn't be important. What is important is that Meech and I are clearly the best pranksters in the world. Pranksters that save the world with their pranks! It's a concept that definitely needs to take off...

Week 51: This week, save the planet at any cost. Monday - Turn other people's electrical appliances off while they're not looking

And the award for longest blog entry title ever goes to...

I'm gonna try and keep this brief, because I have essays to do. But brief for me always turns into a long clusterfuck of ramblings from my head, and is right now as a matter of fact. So I will stop this now! Immediately! Yup, this very second!

So this week I have stupid tasks to do to help save the planet, tasks that will get me hated most probably, but if it saves the planet then it will be worth it, surely. Thing is, and call me a sceptic, but I doubt it will really save the planet. Thus making it not worth being hated. But oh well. On with the tasking!

This is Monday's task, to turn off other people's electrical appliances while they're not looking. I started as early as possible. Upon going downstairs to get breakfast, I heard Meg's TV was left on in her room. Energy waster!!! I immediately ran up there and switched off the TV, and the light too while I was at it. I then went downstairs and switched off the hair dryer while she was using it, and turned some more lights off while at it. Good start.

I was tempted to switch off the computer while Meg was on it, but knew that that would be a bit too far. But after displaying my day's task to Hannah by running into the main room and switching off the TV while she was watching it, to many cries of 'WHAT THE HELL?', I decided to pretend I turned off the computer while Meg was on it by getting Meg to shout at me while I laughed maniacally and Hannah listened on. Unfortunately, Hannah did not fall for our incredible prank. Shame, it could have been funny.

Later, during dinner with the family, I randomly got up and switched the lights off, which no one seemed impressed with. And, as a last act of world-saving heroism, I ran into the living room again and switched off the TV and lights whilst Hannah was watching it, plunging her in darkness and the echoes of my evil laughter. But it's not evil if I'm saving the world. That's my defence. Although, secretly, I did kind of enjoy the evil aspect to this task. A little bit.

That night I went to Jay and Kate's. I could have been horrible and switched off the electrical appliances here too, but my deed had been done. Besides, I'd kill someone if they switched off the Wii while I was halfway through playing a game, so, do unto others and all that jazz... We later went and watched their cat Athena (I think that's how you spell it) squirm around in her cute little cat tunnel while we taunted her with a ball on the end of a rope (a cat toy one, we didn't just tie a random ball to the end of a rope). It was hilarious, she was proper vicious with it, it was like watching a giant blue worm writhe around in agony as a cat-shaped chestburster incubated inside broke free from its cage. Or something like that. Simply put, it was fucking funny.

I think I actually kept this quite brief. Amazing!

Week 50: Closure Week

Strictly speaking I didn't get around to doing Closure Week, but I'm going to make up for it now by closuring... Or whatever the hell the doing word is for gaining closure ('gaining closure' is probably the best bet actually). I'd attempted to see my friend, and, incidentally, ex-girlfriend, Amanda all week, but unfortunately this never came to fruition, as we were both very busy. I'd attempted some of my bonus tasks this week, as you have seen the results of. And I very badly attempted Unwanted Advice Day(s), but I'll write about that another time. But for now... Closure.

I am focusing on Amanda, because, strictly speaking I guess she's been my only girlfriend proper. And even then it was an end-of-primary school/beginning-of-high-school romance. So, not overtly romantic, but still lovely. Apart from her, I did have a girlfriend for but a day in high school, a relationship which I ended when I realised it wasn't really what I wanted (weird, I know, I'd fucking kill to have a girlfriend now). And I had a weird fling/affair thing two years ago, which I really won't go into detail about, for certain reasons. As it stands, Amanda's always been my only official girlfriend.

So here is the Closure Form written out for Amanda (I didn't ask her permission to do this, but we're good friends, so I don't think she'll mind);

Ex's name: Amanda
Details of relationship: Girlfriend and boyfriend in primary school/high school
Is my: Ex-girlfriend
(Her) Current status: In a long-term relationship
The sex was: Non-existent (we were like 11, you sick fucks!)
Length of relationship: 1 year, 1 month, ? days (roughly)
Dates of relationship: No idea... 1999-2000 maybe?
Details of closure -
Whose fault was it the relationship failed?: Mine
Official reason the relationship failed: Because I'm chickenshit, and was too scared to be in a relationship
My apology for something I'd done: I'm sorry I was a pussy
Their apology for something they'd done: N/A, although she really wouldn't have to apologise for anything
Unwanted advice provided by me: Don't date wimps!
Unwanted advice provided by them: N/A
Abuse to vent out my frustrations: None, I have no frustrations about it, only towards my past self really
Abuse to vent out their frustrations: N/A
Offer of one-night stand for old times' sake: N/A, though I assure you it would have been declined

So there we have it, the OFFICIAL report on the greatest relationship of my life! And also, a good insight into how pathetic my love life has been since then. Amanda, if you're reading this, you should know that I'm still extremely sorry about breaking it up! But it's awesome that we're friends now, she even still has a necklace I gave her once for Valentine's Day.

Now I have fully experienced closure! What have I learned from looking back at my past romances? That love is not something to be scared of, but to be embraced. Make the most of whatever love you give/recieve, for it is probably the greatest thing in the world. You'll know it when it feels right. All that cliched stuff, that, while cheesy, is all true. I love love!

Although, debatably, love is not as awesome as watching a cat go crazy in a little cat tunnel. But more on that in my next blog...

Test the state's sense of humour today

I actually did this over the course of three days, but I'm not good with bonus tasks...

So, this task, 'Test the state's sense of humour today', involved me simply writing a letter to the state saying that I am planning to overthrow them, but that I will give them a chance to surrender. With full name and address written below. Sending it to 10 Downing Street. Simple, right?

Well, yes, very simple. But I'm a bit of a pussy, to be honest. Testing someone's sense of humour is all fair and well (within limits), but testing the state's sense of humour with the threat of a coup? Seems a little bit dodgy. They could think I'm a terrorist, come to our house, search through all our shit, find something mildly suspicious (I dunno what, but you never know, this is why I pussied out, I assure you I own no terrorist paraphenalia though!), arrest me, interrogate me, 'search' me (the hand-up-the-arse kind of searching), etc. etc. So, whilst this is the unlikeliest of scenarios, you can just never know, especially if they DID believe the letter and sent the country into a state of panic.

At first, I really did think I was gonna proper go for it, full letter and all. On Tuesday, I wrote the letter. A good start! I didn't have a stamp though, and forgot to get one, so didn't send it off today. Instead, I went to the cinema to see 'A Serious Man'. It was amazing. That night, I watched 'The Unborn'. It was God fucking awful.

On Wednesday, I bought a first-class stamp and got an envelope - major steps in the act of letter sending! I was unsure as to whether to send it or not, but seeing as I'm a bit out of whack with reality sometimes, I decided a second opinion would be better. And a third, fourth, fifth, etcetera, opinion whilst at it. I asked Meg. She was unsure. I asked Mum. She was unsure, although she did think more than anything that the letter would just be ignored and discarded. I asked Jay and Kate (after we watched an awesome episode of 'True Blood' - that show gets better and better!). They were also unsure. So, general consensus? I think everyone was unsure. So I pussied out. I decided I'd find a way around it.

My first idea was to grab some crayons, write it all up really scrappily, then give a false name and claim my age as 8 on the letter. It seemed like a funny idea, and I was gonna go through with it, but I had another idea, which I thought would be more likely to get me an answer.

On Thursday I wrote up my new letter. Here it is, in it's entirety (okay, that's a lie, I've hidden my address, but still);

Dear Mr. Brown

Thank you for the taking the time to read this. I am currently writing a satirical screenplay for part of my dissertation on my Honours degree course (and don’t worry, I go easy on the state, it’s just a theoretical piece of fiction), so would like to ask a slightly strange, but no less important, question. Answering this would be helpful to writing the critical review for my piece.

Theoretically, if someone were to write jokingly to you saying that they were planning to overthrow the state and that they would give you a chance to surrender, giving their full name and address, but it wasn’t made clear that they were joking, what would the response be? Would the country be sent into a state of panic? Would the letter-writer be interrogated immediately? Would it be regarded as an obvious joke and immediately discarded? Or none of the above?

Hope to hear from you soon, thank you in advance.

Sincerely,
James Small

Okay, so this is complete and utter bullshit. I'm not writing a satirical screenplay as part of my dissertation. Hell, I'm not even doing my dissertation yet (though I would be if I hadn't fucked up my second year, but still). I'm against lying, but this was an extreme circumstance! I figured it is more likely to get my required answer than the crayon idea. And less likely to get me interrogated than the original plan.

Just hopefully they don't find the question suspicious, look up all my vital info, and find out I'm not doing my dissertation. Suspicions may be abound! Unlikeliest of scenarios though...


Update on 'This week, make friends with an insect';
I finally buried Shelly. R.I.P. Shelly. Yes, I did have her corpse in my company for that long. Disgusting, I know. To be fair, I totally forgot about her, which is a good sign of closure from her death, I think! And hey, it is 'Closure Week' after all...

Today, fight the power

Yes! Fighting the power! I've always wanted to fight the power since I first heard Public Enemy spit some dope rhymes in a song about fighting the power a while back... Can't remember the name of the song though...

This week is actually Closure Week, where I'm supposed to catch up with an ex-girlfriend and analyse the relationship in order to gain 'closure'. But I have to wait until I can see Amanda to sort this one out (although it is worth noting that I have had closure from this near-decade-ago relationship for a long time, but I'll play along Benrik!). So, as it is, I am still attempting bonus tasks.

Another ambiguous one today (or yesterday, blah). My first step is to work out who the power is from the following options; church, government, media, corporations, military-industrial complex, or alien mind-control. The second step is to see whether my fighting of said power will result in a victory, defeat, or draw.

I firmly believe that classic 90's dance group Snap have the power, seeing as they wrote a song about having 'the power' (though, again, the name of the song escapes me...). They openly admitted to it too! And if they have the power, surely they also have the power over the power, thus making them THE power. Right? One to think about...

The word 'power' has honestly lost all meaning.

Anyways, I hit up the ever trusty Google to research which of the listed groups is the power. As I did this, I played 'Fight The Power' (I remembered the title!) by Public Enemy for inspiration. Plus, if the song was succesful enough in it's aims, it might just do the job for me.

Through extensive research (Yahoo answers, basically), I decided that the government is the power. After all, the government controls the media, corporations and military-industrial complex (though I couldn't find anything on if the government was controlled by aliens). The church would have been the power, a long time ago, but not really so much nowadays. So, yay! I get to fight the government.

So, I loaded a train with bombs and drove it straight to beneath the Houses of Parliament! Success!

Ahem. Nah. I didn't get quite that radical, alas. In case you hadn't noticed the lack of news on the Houses of Parliament being blown up. Fortunately, an oppertunity (of sorts) arose to fight the government. My sister Meg had applied for an Adult Learning Grant, a company that grants money to students... But only if they're doing their first qualification course. Meg was doing her second, so was rejected, much to our dismay. We didn't think that the amount of qualifications she had done should make an iota of difference to whether or not she can get a loan. So, it was time to fight the power (or, at least, take a lunge at it's legs and gnaw on them slightly)!

My technique wasn't particularly revolutionary. But hopefully it will do the trick. It's tried and tested, I guess. I wrote a letter to the Adult Learning Grant company to appeal their decision, complaining that it was unfair to only grant first qualification students legible for loans. It wasn't an angry letter, but probably should have been. However, I wanted to be a lot more subdued in my attack. Here is the letter;

Dear sir or madam

You recently rejected my sister’s application for an Adult Learning Grant, and we wish to appeal against the decision. Whilst you do state that students are only legible for the grant if they are doing their first qualification course, and my sister is doing her second, we feel that this is extremely unfair. It shouldn’t make a difference whether or not a student is taking their first, second, etc., qualification, the fact remains that as a hard-working learner, they are just as legible as anyone else to be given a grant if necessary. In my sister’s case, the money is extremely important to her learning, as money is needed for the bus in and out of college each day, any trips on the course, and books needed to learn, a situation made more difficult by the fact that she has recently lost a job.

I hope you can understand why the grant is important to her, and hopefully won’t neglect other people who are taking qualifications beyond their first.

Yours sincerely,
James Small

Obviously, this will probably need to be rephrased as being from Meg, and she hasn't checked over the letter yet, but this is the foundation for my blistering assault on the government. Once she has approved a final copy, I will send off the letter, and let you know whether my fight against the power was a win, lose, or draw. Okay, so yes, it's not the power, but it's a subsidary of the power. And I'm taking out the legs first...

Movie Review: 'The Box'

Back in 2001, a young writer/director named Richard Kelly made a film called Donnie Darko (yes, it really was that long ago). It was an incredible movie, loved by critics and, depsite it's indie credentials, audiences everywhere. The film worked because it was unlike anything seen before, a subversive blend of arthouse surrealism and mainstream drama, with an incredibly affecting ending. The film's weirdness is often focussed on. After seeing The Box, Kelly's latest, the director's debut seems incredibly normal.

The Box starts off (relatively) simple. Set in 1970's Virginia, a young couple, Arthur (James Marsden) and Norma (Cameron Diaz), striving to give their son an education at a top school, are given a mysterious box by the charming, heavily scarred Arlington Steward (Frank Langella). He posits them with a moral dilemma - if they decide to press the encased button they will recieve $1million. However, someone who they don't know will also die. Sounds far too narrow a plotline, right? How can they make a whole movie out of that?

Well, if it helps, by halfway through the movie, you'll forget it was ever about a box. What follows is something of a conspiracy thriller gone off the rails. Kelly can't even stick to one genre in his fevered attempt to destroy the brains of audiences worldwide, flitting through sci-fi, horror, drama, and even fantasy, as the reality of Steward's plans become (slightly) clear. This is not an easy film to follow - towards the end it almost becomes a mess of half-baked ideas, becoming like one of those TV shows (Lost, Heroes, etc.) which open so many plot strands that there's almost no way of tying them up coherently. That most of the plot strands are tied up is testament to Kelly's skill, both as a writer, and as a lunatic who's brain can seem to process a billion things at once.

Sure, there's a lot of stuff that's not explained, and this becomes even more apparent upon a rewatch. And a lot of elements are left incredibly ambiguous. Who are Steward's 'employers' he so frequently refers to? It's up to us, the audience, to figure that out. And you can tell that Kelly wants it that way. In fact, above all, the audacity of this film can't help but be admired. Here we have a big, Hollywood blockbuster blueprint, with a twisty plot, a 12A rating, and Cameron Diaz in the lead. However, Kelly just can't resist, and tries to mess with the audience the whole time. Complex moral questions pepper the whole piece, challenging us not just to think about the plot, but to think about humanity, philosophy, and ethics. Not only all this, but he ends the film on an unsettling, disturbing note, a ten-minute long scene that not only presents us with an even more complex moral issue that the film's starter, but also one of the most puzzling final shots in recent memory. This is the kind of film you'll need flipcharts and multiple-coloured pens to follow perfectly.

However, as brain-bustingly bamboozling as it all may be, it's also extremely entertaining, and this is why it all works. Your head may begin to ache after a while, but you'll also be gripped, wondering how the hell it can all possibly make sense. The big twists are perhaps not as satisfying as they should be, but, then again, your mind has to make half of them up. All the central performances are also very impressive, particularly Langella as Steward, who manages to be completely charming and completely psychotic at the same time, never once losing his cool, but even more creepy because of it. The CGI that is used to cut off half of his face is also incredibly impressive, with many 'how the hell did they do that?' moments. In fact, the only problem is that it's somewhat distracting from his performance, such is the incredibly grotesque quality of it.

If you're prepared to sit down, let your brain ache, and have a good think whilst at it, The Box is a blast. If you're not in this state of mind however, you'll probably still have a blast, wondering just where it can go after it reaches the pinnacle of it's insanity. And even if the final destination disappoints you, the journey is well worth it.

4/5

Today, volunteer for jihad on behalf of the West

Okay, so I'll admit it - I had no idea how the fuck I could even attempt to do this one. The aim was to, and I quote, 'drop everything, book a ticket to the Pakistani badlands, and tell your proud family you're off to join the battle on behalf of Mozart, Shakespeare and Rembrandt.' Oooookay. Well, because I a) am not suicidal, b) am against war, c) don't have a lot of money, and d) don't take this book THAT seriously, it was immediately obvious that there was no way in hell that I was gonna actually gonna go to Pakistan and start slaying soldiers so I could make Europe proud.

So, I tried really hard (and I mean, I've been thinking since I got the book), about ways around this. When, one day, my beautiful friend Jay, beacon of knowledge that she is, told me that there are two forms of jihad, lesser jihad and greater jihad. Lesser jihad is pretty much battle, going to war to protect your country/beliefs. However, greater jihad is battling for oneself, one's country, one's beliefs - but without any physical violence involved. Kind of more spiritual, and more patriotic in a less jingoistic way.

So, being the genius that I (debatably) am, I decided that the only way around this was to be super patriotic on behalf of Europe for a day! I figured this pretty much makes sense, although my loose grasp on politics (even though I find politics kinda interesting) means that my way of thinking is probably slightly special. Twist the term 'special' to how you feel it relates to me.

Being super-patriotic wasn't easy, although that's mainly because I had no idea how. So, unfortuantely, I didn't go about it the best way. But here's what I tried.

I planned to wear a t-shirt that was made and sold in Europe in the morning. However, I was in a rush, so I just threw on my McLovin shirt, which promotes an American movie, and was probably made in some factory in China. Bad, bad start.

On the way up to Uni, I got out some money from the cash machine, and kissed the picture of the Queen. Now, I feel that THAT was pretty patriotic. I don't think that anyone saw me, which is a very good thing, because I felt a bit odd for doing it. But that's how I show my love for Europe, dammit!

Upon leaving the bus up to Uni, I decided to use a very British phrase (you can see this is mainly patriotic towards the UK, I should've spoken a bit of German or something); 'Cheers, mate!'. Or it could be a very Australian phrase. Depends on how you say it in your head. In my head it's Australian, weirdly. It sounded very unnatural coming from me, I sometimes use the word 'mate', but it usually depends on company, and it's not something I say a lot anyway.

However, the main thing I did to be patriotic was to only listen to music from Europe. I listen to a lot of music, as I always have my iPod on shuffle when travelling. So today, I skipped any bands that weren't European, and instead listened to loads of British bands, with the odd German or Swedish metal band thrown in for good measure. The good news is, this meant I got to listen to a fair amount of Jesu and Fuck Buttons. The bad news is, it meant I had to listen to Tom Jones (and if you're wondering why he's on my iPod, he did a Bond theme). Actually, I didn't really mind that too much at all, he has quite the set the lungs! It meant I had to skip a lot of awesome bands (I was totally in the mood for Between The Buried And Me), but I still got a whole load of decent tunes.

I only cheated twice. Once was because I really wanted to listen to 'Dear Jamie... Sincerely Me' by Hellogoodbye (I've been craving to listen to that song for ages, so I YouTubed it), and once when we listened to Pink's (or P!nk's, I'm not sure what it is) 'Funhouse' album at Jay and Kate's. However, this was very much made up for by the fact that I didn't actually tell anybody I was only listening to European music (though I probably should have), and because we also listened to Fleetwood Mac and The Levellers.

So what have we learned about patriotism today, kids? Yes, that's right! We have learned that to be truly patriotic, you must only listen to music from your own continent! Now all I have to do is tell the whole world, and maybe all the wars will end...