More tasks y'all

Day 182: Change Osama's mind today

Here's my beautiful peon to peace;

Dear Mr. Bin Laden, I am James Small of Felixstowe. I am writing to respectfully invite you to reconsider your global "jihad" against the West. You clearly thought it was right at the time, but I believe that now you should call it quits. Here is my reason why: because karma's seriously gonna come and bite you on the arse if you don't stop. To be fair, it's probably too late to avoid the bad karma altogether, but you might as well stop while you're ahead, otherwise it will just build up and get a lot worse. I hope this convinces you. If so, please tell your fellow jihadists. I look forward to a future of peace.
Yours truly,
James Small

Day 183: First impressions are crucial in life. Today hand this to a stranger and find out what impression you made.

I attempted to find a good stranger, but I'm a shy little pussy. When I finally manned up, the old woman I asked said she didn't have the time for it. Blast!

Day 184: Play the stock market today

I didn't do this. I wouldn't know how.

Day 185: Today: Rearrange your local supermarket according to your own preferences

Chris and I rearranged Solar as thus;

We put stuff in tubs on sale

We moved trolleys to the middle of aisles

We put cereal and syrup in the freezers

We put cereal with the detergents

We moved chocolate bars to the stationary aisle

And such other stuff. Was awesome fun =)

Day 186: Today place flowers on an old unattended gravestone

Jay, Chris and I placed flowers at lots of gravestones.

Day 187: Today answer spam emails

I attempted to reply to some HSBC phishing scams, but it wouldn't let me reply.

Day 188: Cheerleader Day

I didn't cheer up everyone around me.

Day 189: Get admitted to a mental hospital today

For some reason, I decided not to do this one. Hmmmmm.

Day 190: Living History Day: Today, live the life of a 13th century peasant

Nor this one.

Day 191: Have all your food tasted for poison today

I didn't really do this one either, but Michelle ate a crusty, disgusting pair of jelly lips in a pack of sweets for me. It wasn't poisoned, thankfully.

Day 192: Defy superstition today

I wanted to do this, but I didn't have time. And then forgot when I did.

Day 193: Rebirth! Today ask your parents to help you stage a realistic reconstruction of your birth.

Ewwww, so many reasons I didn't do this one...

Day 194: Change someone's mind today

I tried to change Jay's mind on some subjects via the medium of blatant lies. Jay is probably the most stubborn person in the world though, so it was futile.

Day 195: Leave a note on someone's car windscreen

I left a note saying the following;

DON'T FORGET TO INDICATE!

5 million people are injured every year by drivers who don't indicate. Don't make it 3 million and one.

INDICATION - IT'S NOT A BLACK OR WHITE ISSUE... IT'S A LEFT OR RIGHT ISSUE.

Day 196: Today, go see your MP with your suggestion for a new law

I didn't do this.

Day 197: Mini-Prostitution Day

I offered my services over Facebook, and while interest from others was piqued, there were no buyers. Shame.

Day 198: Spend today pretending to be a tourist!

I didn't do this either.

Day 199: Today, agree to meet someone in 10 years' time.

My barely known friend Gav was willing to meet in ten years' time, although no further details have taken place beyond that initial agreement.

Day 200: Dump your partner for the day

Jay and I broke up. Even though she was very aware of this task. I flirted really badly with a checkout girl while single (ie, not at all). I also spouted filth all day.

Sorry my descriptions have been so short, I'm not in the best of moods today. But oh well. I didn't have much to say anyway because I'm a terrible tasker as of late. No worries. I'm finally up to date with tasks, so that's good at least. Yay!

It's Been A Long Time Baby

Sooooo... 'Sup? It's been ages since I've blogged. I've been too busy or lazy or unproductive or whatever. I wanna start up again, 'cos I like writing blogs, it's just effort, y'know? I also wanna add a bit more to my blogs, film/music reviews, my thoughts and ramblings, naked pictures of myself (see deadlyriversxxx.blogspot.com for more on this (sorry, this doesn't exist. Myabe one day though?)). I'm sure I'll soon stop blogging, I always do seem to. But I'll make an effort. Anyway, it's been a long time since I've updated on my tasking, so I'm gonna get that all out of the way with I like to call 'TinyTasks'. I'm copyrighting that shit immediately!

Bear with me, there's gonna be a few...

I attempted to use my remote control to make cats vomit and trigger an immediate orgasm.

I chalked a 'Bad haircuts here' sign outside of a hairdresser's that gave me a couple of bad haircuts.

I sent an inspirational message in a bottle.

I attempted to adopt the neighbour's dog to play with Pepsi.

I couldn't go back to school 'cos it was a bank holiday. Silly Benrik!

I was extremely nice, helpful, and grateful for my existence on Humility Day.

I didn't tip abnormally.

I didn't become a hermit.

I left my left arm exposed all day in an attempt to tan it. Even though there was no sun.

I didn't stalk any well-known writers.

I cold-called some people, but couldn't get any money. Until I gave up and phoned mum. From my house.

I bought Jay some flowers for Pre-Feminism Day.

I am signed up as an organ donor.

I gave Meg and Hannah mini-tasks to smile more often when they see me. And Hannah to pretend like we've never met next time she sees me.

I got some speakers and played some happy tunes around town. But my iPod ran out of battery unfortunately.

I attempted to be as chill as possible for Buddhist Fundamentalism Day.

I was slightly mean to Emily and Anabelle, in an attempt to mess them up and turn them into Picasso.

I handed out no calling cards to strangers.

I left an old, unused wallet on the street. Which got returned immediately.

I am letting one particularly long hair on my arm grow to 1 metre in length.

I couldn't remember my dreams for dream analysis.

Jay and I followed Benrik's directions and went on an epic three-hour walk. It was awesome.

I didn't make a pact with the devil.

I asked Amanda if she wanted to hang out. She was my high school sweetheart, and we still see each other regularly as friends.

I boycotted baby oil. To stop the slaughter.

I didn't give flowers to a stranger.

I didn't become a superhero.

I didn't write a letter to my future self.

All photos make me look ugly. 'Cos I am ugly. So I didn't destroy any.

I sung everything for most of the day.

I didn't bribe anyone.

I sent an e-mail to the BNP suggesting that they attempt to ban any foreign foods entering our country.

I created a 'cave painting' of a 'dinosaur' using Batman's explosive spray (that sounds wrong) in the Batcave in 'Batman: Arkham Asylum'. I did not alert the authorities.

I suggested to the UN that we divide oil shares between all countries.

I ate a tiny bit of fur from a chair, atop a pizza.

I didn't befriend a customer care person.

I'm not in the first couple of thousand or so in the line of succession to the throne.

I left an inspirational message on the train.

I ate lunch with ear plugs up my nose.

I predicted stuff about the future. Possibly right, possibly wrong. Breakfast cereal slogan of the future; 'Nostradamus never predicted cereal THIS good!'

I didn't hitchhike.

I decided I want to be reincarnated as a sexy lady.

I didn't mouth obscenities to passing strangers.

I attempted to twin myself with a Canadian friend. She never replied to my proposal though.

I did not celebrate Children's Day.

Or Reverse Brainwashing Day either. I couldn't think of any second hand opinions.

I wrote a rough draft of my children's book, 'Spootums'.

I was gonna give roses to mum, but roses are expensive.

I didn't dial a random number and read out the given script.

I killed a spider.

I reported a window cleaning van parked mysteriously outside Dena's house to the Anti-Terrorist Hotline.

I tested if the grass was always greener on the other side. It isn't always. Though you may well be ON the other side. Discuss.

I hugged a couple of trees.

I uttered the odd sentence as if I were a global corporation.

I didn't bleed in the book. I'm a pussy and couldn't bring myself to bleed.

I bought a can of Pringles and got one free, as society urged me.

I prayed to God on a hill. No response.

I wrote an e-mail to Kim Jong Il to stop the atrocity! I didn't send it though.

I didn't attend court.

I turned off the TV when a redhead appeared on screen.

I didn't report my fake illnesses to the doctors.

I didn't get criticised. Though I do owe Chris and Michelle my script.

I offered honesty over Facebook. Nobody took me up on my offer.

I didn't sell anything that I'd made.

I knocked on every door in my house and at the museum.

I tried to convince Jay I had amnesia and that sex would cure it...

I didn't babysit anyone.

I didn't share anyone's pain.

I didn't make all my tastes mainstream.

I attempted to argue Jay out of purchases.

I didn't impress my librarian.

I didn't open a home restaurant.

I didn't send a letter to a mass murderer.

I went on hunger strike 'til my first text of the day. I got it as soon as I woke up.

I recorded mild hanky panky between Jay and I. I didn't post it on the internet.

I didn't sleep in public.

I had an imaginary friend, named Broseph. Only at home though.

I moaned more than usual to act like a teenager.

I didn't live for the moment. Well, I did, but pathetically.

I gave my home address out on the Benrik website. Nobody took interest.

I didn't try out incest.

I didn't request my street be named after me.

I dyed my hair red.

I didn't dig at the end of a rainbow.

I psychoanalysed myself. I'm normal!

I tried the Aversion Diet, but I have a strong stomach, so it didn't really work for me.

I didn't make a citizen's arrest.

I disobeyed Obedience Day.

I didn't divine the will of my ancestors.

I didn't act like a millionaire.

Well, that's it for now of my rubbish tasking. I didn't realise I was that far behind, that's crazy! And I still haven't fully caught up yet. Ho-hum. I'm understandably tired of writing now, so I'm going to leave it here. I promise I'll update soon though!

March Part II

Everytime I start catching up, I also lag behind straight after. This is getting futile. Alas, I'll continue.

Day 75: Insure your best feature today

I rung Lloyds of London and asked how much I'd get for my brain. They said about a sixpence. Cheeky buggers! They did suggest I ring an insurance broker instead though. Which I never did.

Day 76: Today zombie-proof your home

I was looking forward to this one, but didn't get around to doing anything, alas. I did read about the zombie film described in 'Kiss Of The Spider Woman' though. If that helps.

Day 77: Erect a statue of yourself in a public place today

I bought some kid's modelling clay in town (after searching for frickin' AGES), and erected the shoddiest 'statue' ever. It wasn't without it's charm though. I added a plaque underneath, a piece of paper saying James Small, 1988-???? Chris also made a statue out of polymer clay, a bit more reliable. We left ours on display in town centre. Alas, mine was destroyed by the next day. His was still there though, as he craftily hid his in foliage.

Day 78: Freelance as a traffic warden today

This one was fun! Chris and I hit up the 'Stowe, and started ticketing cars left, right and centre. We started off in a disabled bay where we found loads of cars clearly without blue badges. Most people drove away before we had a chance to ticket them, but we got a few. Next we went to a car park and ticketed cars that were there for longer than their tickets had allowed. We also found one or two with out-of-date tax discs. Thank God Chris was there, I would not have known how to spot half of this stuff. We then found another car park, where Chris ticketed a vehicle that was clearly not an ambulance parked in a spot that said 'Ambulance only'. Reason given on ticket? 'Car not an ambulance'. Simple, but genius. I also ticketed a Smart car for being too ugly. No offence to Smart car users. But they are ugly. We wanted to continue, but alas it started raining heavily, so we called it a day. Lots of fun though, I wanna do it again!

Day 79: Follow your horoscope's advice to the letter today

Unfortunately, I couldn't go out and find an actual horoscope as Benrik had handily supplied one. Even more unfortunately, being a Scorpio, I wasn't allowed to say a word all day. I did pretty good, and kept it up throughout merciless mocking at band practice, although I did say 'Okay' to Amy, because she insisted I talk to her about something, can't remember what it was now though. However, I gave up by the time I was home, because having to suppress yourself from talking is strangely painful, physically and mentally. Still, I did alright, especially as I had to order a train ticket with words on a piece of paper.

Day 80: Today solve problems with the threat of violence

I was playing 'Professor Layton & The Mysterious Village' (I think that's the title) on the DS in the kitchen, and, upon not being able to solve a problem, threatened to burn the DS. I couldn't find my iPod at one point, so threw pillows around my room until I found it. Amazingly it worked. And when Pepsi wouldn't eat her food, I caressed her cheek ominously. She won't fuck with me again!

Day 81: Pray to out-of-date gods today

There were two crises going on in my life at this time. One was that the government had fucked me over and claimed they paid me student finance wrongly and that I owe it back. And secondly, Jay and I had a bit of a pregnancy scare. So I prayed to Loki that he would scare the government for me, and to Nerthus that Jay isn't pregnant. Amazingly enough, I haven't heard anything back from the student loans company, and Jay wasn't pregnant. I will forever pray to out-of-date gods from now on!

Day 82: Today speak the unspeakable

I said that I admired Hitler's work ethic, because I do! Morally reprehensible man, but he set out to get a job done, and by Jove did he get it done! You have to admire him mildly for that. I also decided that reciting the entirety of the Jabberwocky poem backwards, in Swedish, might be unspeakable.

Day 83: Help finish roadworks today

There were LOADS of roadworks going on in town at the time. Actually, I'm sure there still are. Anyway, I put the 'Rewire Urgently' label on a barricaded lamppost. I would have been hoisted by my own petard if it was actually barricaded so it could be rewired...

Day 84: Does cheese really give you nightmares?

I ate 125g of mozzarella before bed, in the hopes of having disturbingly realistic nightmares. Alas, I didn't. God, do I love mozzarella though, so on this level, it was an awesome task!

Day 85: Disgrace Day

I went into London to go see the mighty Motion City Soundtrack live on this day, so I had to text my gradual disgrace every hour to my sisters. Meg was very accepting of my problems though, and Nicole stopped answering my texts, though she's still talking to me, so I'm guessing my problems weren't too big a deal...

Day 86: Today return to childhood

I acted childish with my family a little bit, because I act childish with them anyway. I fought with Meg and Hannah, made immature jokes (no change there then), and cried when mildly hurt.

Day 87: Today, go through people's rubbish and use the information to chat them up

I went through Jay's bag (not that I'm saying she's rubbish!) and badly chatted her up. I'm lucky she's already my girlfriend, my flirting technique leaves something to be desired.

Day 88: Today watch someone sleep

I watch Jay sleep for about half an hour. It wasn't very exciting, but she was still beautiful.

Day 89: Today speak only Esperanto

I looked up a bit of Esperanto on the 'net, and told Jay I loved her in Esperanto. I can't remember what it was though.

Day 90: Control Order Day

I didn't do this, so I guess I'm not a true Benrikian. Chris and I were thinking of going to London for this, but we're too poor, alas!

March Part I

Time for March's taskage. Slowly catching up. Sloooooooooooowly.

Day 60: Make the Dalai Lama lose his temper today

I just stole an example from the diary, and sent an e-mail to the office of the Dalai Lama (not his actual office, but his website's) asking why he's in exile if his gods are so good.

Day 61: Check that your sex life is normal today

I only contacted three friends, but Chris and Michelle both said that my sex life was normal, yay! Although that might be 'cos I'm a simplistic guy who has a breast fetish (yes, I found out that that's an actual fetish). Jay said I was perverted, but that's because I share my sex life with her. And because I'm a pervert.

Day 62: Today, send your suggestions to the government

I sent the following letter;

Dear Government
This request may sound ridiculous, but I would like to suggest my idea for a new law - to make it illegal to mention Katie Price in the media. I am sick of hearing or reading her name everrytime I check the news, when she has offered exactly nothing of any importance to humanity in any way. It's nothing personal against her (although I can't stand her), it's just constant mention of her name is frustrating. I regret writing it in this very letter!
I'd also like to suggest that we make the paparazzi as a whole illegal, as they intrude on the private lives of celebs, which is invasion of privacy, and therefore illegal. What's more, nobody with a brain cell wants to know that Kylie Minogue went out once without make-up.
Thank you for reading.

The amazing thing was, I actually got a reply! Although it was an automated 'Thank you for your letter' letter. Though I still think it's awesome, I bet Gordon Brown (R.I.P. (politically) - topical!) read it and thought "If only I could make it illegal..." as he gazed wistfully into the distance.

Day 63: Make a non-obscene phone call today

Eeeek, this one backfired! Jay suggested that I phone her stepmum, Tracey, as she has a good sense of humour. I must have phoned on a bad day though, as she did NOT take it well. I simply said that her voice was strong, and I felt like I recognised it. I claimed I was from Globocorp (yeah, I stole that from 'Dodgeball'), and when I burst out laughing, claimed I was watching 'The Simpsons'. I'm usually pretty calls, but when she told me to grow up and hung up I couldn't decide whether this one was a success or an epic fail.

Day 64: Trust someone with your life today

I trusted Jay to smash a glass over my head... Without smashing it. It didn't smash, and I survive. I know have firm faith in her when it comes to my wellbeing.

Day 65: Lure a fly onto this page and swat it here

I couldn't find any flies today, so instead I drew a charming picture of a squished fly in the box.

Day 66: Switch on your appendix today

I spent most of the day with my mobile phone strapped to my abdomen, making sure to bathe in the electromagnetic waves whilst getting funny sensations from received phone calls. I had to use some strong tape though, and it hurt a lot to rip it off. I'm not a hairy guy, but there's still enough hair on my belly to be uncomfortable in semi-waxing incidents.

Day 67: Today: Sketch someone opposite you on public transport and see how they react

Whilst on the train back from Ipswich with Jay, I decided to sketch a man sitting opposite me reading a paper. He was totally into that paper, as I don't think he looked up once. I should have shown it to him, but the drawing was terrible, so I didn't for the sake of my own dignity more than anything.

Day 68: Father's Day!

I don't really see my Dad very often, so I don't have huge amount of positive stuff to say about him. At the same time, he's a very nice guy, and is very supportive of my band, so I don't have a huge amount of negative stuff to say about him. That's all I'll say though, and really, all that needs to be said.

Day 69: Today scare yourself shitless

I successfully managed to bring up all the scary topics during one conversation with Jay. Terrorism blatantly links into Nuclear War, which Ebola could be used as a handy weapon for as it is very contagious, and could be a biological weapon. Cancer couldn't be as good a biological weapon though. I somehow managed to bring Serial Killers, Global Warming, and Child Abuse into it too, but I can't remember how. It was a REALLY good conversation actually, loads of good points made. Didn't scare me shitless though, I'm way too hardcore for that...

Day 70: Today confuse future archaeologists by dating things wrongly

I did as was said in the Book, I got a blank CD, wrote the date that the book had in it (I can't remember it exactly, but it was the 17th century or something), and buried it in my back yard.

Day 71: Enter Miss or Mr World

I cut out the slip, filled it in, and entered. Simple! Never got a reply though, unfortunately. But my entry seemed so serious!

Day 72: Judgement Day

Good deeds: 13. Sins: 6. Other: 4. I'm pretty sure I'm going to Heaven! Which is a good thing, although it probably means I haven't lived my life either... Ho-hum.

Day 73: Spend today listening to a loved one's inner workings

I didn't exactly SPEND the day doing it, but I did take a few minutes every now and again to press my ear against Jay's tummy. I was shocked by all the workings you can hear, there were lots of loud grumbles and the like. However, nothing sounded dodgy, so I'm sure she's of sound health.

Day 74: Today, threaten a foreign country

Off the coast of Felixstowe a bit, there's a small principality called Sealand, that has been confirmed as it's own country. It's absolutely tiny, and I think, like, one person lives there. So I thought that starting a potential war with this country would be an easy battle. I sent an e-mail to their e-mail address (duh!) saying exactly what was written in the Book. Amazingly enough, I got a reply! Actually, I was pretty terrified when I received an e-mail from some important organisation, although I've forgotten their name. Anyway, it said that my threat will not be taken seriously. Unless, they're calling my bluff of course...

February

Still very lagging behind on the blogging front due to lack of internet at my house, but at least the computer's (apparently) fixed, so that's a start. Without further ado, let's jump in our DeLorean, gun it to 88, and head back to the start of February...

Day 32: Today rage against the machine!

I rage against machines quite often, by which I mean our home computer because it never fucking works, and XBox 360 back when I used to play 'Tony Hawk's' games, which I cut out of my gaming diet for fear of an anger-induced brain aneurysm. Today I raged against nearly every machine I encountered. Including my iPod and some sliding doors. In public. But I don't think anyone heard my rants. Probably a good thing on their behalf, my mouth is foul when angered...

Day 33: Become spokesperson for your neighbourhood today

I put up a sign my house's front window saying something along the lines of 'This road has a proud selection of cats. If anyone is caught hurting any of our feline friends, they will be punished accordingly.' We have a LOT of cats down our road you see. Not that I think anyone's ever gone around hurting them, but I figured I could avert it happening in case anyone really did come to our road with the sole intention of marauding moggies.

Day 34: Today gatecrash a funeral

Chris and I met up to go to a funeral in our area which I EVENTUALLY found out about through extensive research. Unfortunately we got lost, got the wrong place, and were very late on top of that. So we just went to a graveyard instead, where we visited Chris' dad's grave and discussed books we're planning on writing. We then headed to Cafe Nero in town, and seeing as we were smartly dressed, decided to talk like businessmen. Badly.

Day 35: How memorable is your everyday conversation? Today, find out by writing down everything you say. Highlight the wittiest phrases.

I didn't write down every single thing I said, because I'm too lazy. But here are some of my 'witty' phrases, which I'm sure will make no sense out of context. Actually, I'm not sure they did in context. The first is a conversation between me and Jaffy, which is hilarious when read out completely deadpan.

Jay: "I'm a bad influence."

Me: "Why?"

J: "I'm giving you ME."

M: "It's a contractable disease! It's spreading!"

J: "I'm a biological weapon."

M: "I'll show you a biological weapon... MY PENIS!"

J: "That's amazing."

Other 'memorable' things I said;

"Do you know where they were hiding the WMDs? In my pants."

"Biscuit for a biscuit?" (Upon mishearing the phrase "Risk it for a biscuit.")

"I'm not saying that you're not fat, I'm just saying that you're not fat."

"You look good however you look."

"I couldn't have a lip piercing if I didn't have a beard."

Yeah, most of these are just prime examples of my idiocy.

Day 36: Call a call centre in India and get the staff to teach you about their culture for a change

I called a call centre (took me ages to find a number though), and asked an Indian woman to tell me about her culture. She sadly declined, saying that it was not the sort of information that her company dealt with.

Day 37: Claim to see the Virgin Mary in an everyday object

I took a photo of a cracker and sent it to the Vatican. It was hilarious, because it was just the most mundane cracker ever, although I'm sure you could find the Virgin Mary's outline in there somewhere if you tried hard enough.

Day 38: Sense-less Day - Go through today without using your sense of: hearing

Spent most of the day with really uncomfortable wax earplugs in. It didn't make me deaf so much as just impair my sense of hearing a bit. Walking was uncomfortable, it sounded like a weird Solaris BC song, which is a very, very obscure reference, but very accurate I think. I eventually got bored and took them out, seeing as I was later at a little party thing at Dena's.

Day 39: Today buy a parrot and train it to say some unpalatable truth that you cannot voice yourself in society

Parrots are expensive, require space, and require care. And I'm poor, cramped in my room, and lazy. Besides, we have enough bloody pets as it is (two. Okay, that's not a lot, but still). So I didn't buy one. However, Jay's parents have a parrot, Mr. Magoo, and the day before, Jay and I tried to get the parrot to say 'DERP!'. And we succeeded. Not really an unpalatable truth, but funny and annoying in equal measure nonetheless.


Day 40: Environment Day: Teach Mother Earth who's in charge here

I provoked as much ecological sabotage as possible. I kept switching on unattended computers and lights at Uni and at Jay's. I convinced Jay to spray hairspray into the air, and I sprayed some deodorant, though I'm not sure if deodorant has CFCs. I even managed to get seperate bags for all my purchases at the shop. Which was a ready meal and three Refreshers bars. The checkout person was actually willing to do this. Awesome!

Day 41: Self-medication Day

I'd had a horrible nightmare the night before about a killer who chased me and Jay, so I stabbed him in the face, repeatedly, and REALLY graphically. It was horrible, and I felt more worried about myself for being capable of thinking up something so violent. Anyway, due to this, I decided to take green and yellow pills. I went to Superdrug and found some green and yellow decongestant pills. I've had nightmares since, but not many! I also took a red and yellow pill, but I don't (think I) have swollen arteries, it was just my daily antibiotic.

Day 42: Today carry a hidden weapon

You know those sharp things you stick in to the end of corn on the cob to pick it up with? We had a SUPER sharp one, perfect for gouging out eyes or, indeed, stabbing faces, at our house, so I decided that would be my hidden weapon. It was discreet, deadly, and, most importantly, a little leftfield in the weapons department. It did indeed ramp up my insecurities. i kept thinking about if I was gonna get attacked, would I have used it? Would it be seen as self-defense, or would I serve a long sentence for carrying my concealed weapon. Questions, questions. Fortunately, I never got attacked, so there are no answers to these questions.

Day 43: Draft your speech to the UN today

I drafted a very hippy, luvvy-duvvie speech and sent it to them. It wasn't very good, but maybe the hippieness would give it a chance to be selected. Take a deep breath;

Dear sirs,
Here is a draft for my intended speech if selected to be average representative of the human race at this year’s General Assembly pleneral meeting;
Mr Secretary General, Mr President, distinguished guests, ladies and gentlemen; Thank you for the privilege of being selected to speak as average representative of the human race. As a 21-year-old student from the UK, I can’t say that I’m in any position to know what is best for this world around us, but, as a man who cares about our humanity, I know what I feel is best for the human race, and I hope I speak for many others with my views. On the whole, we as human beings are mostly blessed. We are blessed with money, good health, housing, freedom, liberty. Sure, the healthcare system may not be the best, we may not all be the wealthiest, but many of us take this all for granted when compared to those who are homeless, those who are starving to death in third-world countries. This may all sound very-clichéd, and, yes, perhaps it is, but that doesn’t mean we don’t need to do anything about it and assume that others will do it all for us. We all need to take those things we have, and share them. Give money to charities, help out at homeless shelters. Whatever we can do to help those around us who are less fortunate. It’s easy to lay back, relax, and drown ourselves in all the good things we have. But ultimately, it will leave us empty, unfulfilled. Helping others is one of the biggest pleasures life can offer, and in the end, everyone benefits from it. We help others, others help us. It’s simple, easy, and rewarding. Obviously this can’t all happen in one day. We need to start simple. Stop hating others. Prejudice is probably the one thing in this world that triggers all the wrong-doing. Many wars are down to intolerance. People won’t help others because they look down on them. This is all wrong. We need to let people be the way they are, and embrace it. Let gay people be gay. Let Muslims be Muslim. Let human beings be human beings. Because that’s all we are, overall. Human beings. The rest of the details, our sexuality, race, gender, it’s all irrelevant. As long as we’re not harming anyone, we’re doing nothing wrong. Ignore what is fed to us by the mass media, the likelihood of media-based intolerant public opinion is that it all stems from rumours in the first place. We have to learn to believe in what’s for the best, not what the papers and news want to make us believe. Maybe I have a bias, being a media student. But the reason I find the subject so interesting is because I’ve always felt that the media is probably one of the most powerful tools on the planet. And it’s one that we must learn to form our own opinions on, instead of believing that which has such power over us. Because, if we all try to believe in what is right in our heart of hearts, then maybe everyone else will too. Thank you.
Thank you for reading, hope to hear from you soon.
Yours sincerely,
James Small.

Sorry about how shite that was (PS, I did not add this bit to the actual letter).


Day 44: Ecumenical Day

I already am an atheist, so trying that one out wasn't too hard, I was just myself. I didn't really have much time to try out seven different major religions today. I did have a pray to God outside a church hall though. I just asked him to reply to me if he was there. I didn't get a reply. I also stared at the sky for a while and thought about the universe, to cater to Paganism. It was blissful, but thinking about the universe really does scare me a little.


Day 45: Let the skeletons out of your closet today

I couldn't really think of many skeletons in my closet, but I came out with a few and told them to Jay:
Sexual skeleton - I don't wish to share this with everyone as it's no longer skeletons day. To be honest, it merely involved naming my favourite porn star - I'm just ashamed to have a favourite porn star in the first place. Hey, I was single for a long time!
Childhood skeleton - In primary school I bashed a guy's head against a wall because he used the water fountain before me and I wanted it! I still feel bad about this one. I was a twat in school, apparently, I definitely wouldn't be so deperate for water now as to resort to violence, promise! Maybe if I was in a desert actually...
My miscellaneous skeleton - I don't really have many skeletons in my closet. I'm sure I do. I'm just being a pussy probably. Also, this isn't much of a skeleton at all.

Day 46: Tonight, control your dreams

I firstly asked Jay for facts about hedgehogs, aeroplanes and midgets, seeing as she knows A LOT. She told me lots of facts, though not many about aeroplanes. Most of her facts related to diseases. One day she'll work for Dr. Gregory House, but I'll be overwhelmingly jealous, seeing as he is sexy, charming, clever, and treats 'em mean to keep 'em keen. He and I only share that last quality. Anyways, I later went on Wikipedia (a very reliable source I think, fuck the haters) and read loads about hedgehogs and midgets, most of it going over my head. I didn't read much about aeroplanes, because they're boring in my opinion. I tended to think about hedgehogs a lot, but unfortunately none of the objects invaded my dreams.

Day 47: Anti Paedophile Day

Although I would be scared of going to jail, I may have said hi to some kids today... If I'd have seen a single kid that day. No, I'm not joking. Well, there were some teenagers, but I don't know if they counted as young enough. Wait, that sounds really bad. I assure everyone reading this out of context that this was ANTI Paedophile Day.

Day 48: Today panic-buy

I didn't exactly panic buy, seeing as I only bought one of each object, but I did indeed buy all the products listed. I still haven't used the matches or soap, fun fact.

Day 49: Make prolonged eye contact with everyone you meet today

I made prolonged eye contact with Jaffy, Meg, Hannah and Meech, but forgot to do it to anyone else. Which is a shame because my band, Beerwolf, played our first gig on this day. I should have so stared out audience members from behind the drumkit, that would have made for a memorable show. For whoever witnessed me getting beaten up as a consequence, that is.

Day 50: Free Pet Day!

No excuses really, but I just didn't get around to doing this one. Although, funny story, my friends and I all recently thought someone else must have been doing this task, seeing as there was a poster up around where Meech lives, claiming a black-and-white cat called Whiskers was missing, with a really bad accompanying drawing. And no more details. And there are loads of black-and-white cats in that area. It stopped being funny when the reward started going up and Meech found out that it was an old man's missing cat. Sad times.

Day 51: Today mislead a tourist

I considered misleading a taxi driver when I was in a taxi, but that wouldn't work. Why? Reasons are twofold. Firstly, it wouldn't benefit me in any way seeing as I wanted to get home. And secondly, he had GPS. And was a taxi driver. Wasn't gonna work. Later at the bus station a man asked me when a certain type of bus left, and I was tempted to mislead him. But I felt bad, so I didn't. Damn my conscience!

Day 52: Self-acupuncture Day

I looked around town for acupuncture needles, but couldn't find any. I finally ordered some off of this dodgy website, seeing as it was the only website that I didn't need some kind of medical degree to purchase needles from. The needles still haven't arrived. I've really got to go about getting my money back for that.

Day 53: Send your DNA to the authorities today

As exampled in the Book, I sent some toenail clippings to Interpol, accompanied by the message written in the Book.

Day 54: Mass Social Experiment

I cut out the Out Of Order sign and stuck it on one of the elevator control panels at the Uni. I should have stuck around to see the results, but I pussed out. Suffice to say, I passed there not much later and the sign had already been torn down. Shame. I thought it would have been convincing.

Day 55: Today thank and write your most influential teacher

I planned to write some lovely remarks about the legendary Mrs Hamilton on the Trimley Primary School guestbook on the website, but alas, I simply didn't get around to it. Bad tasking, James! Bad tasking!

Day 56: Today, let power corrupt you

I tend to be a pretty nice guy, who will usually just do what others ask me to do, so there wasn't much power corruption on my behalf today. However, I did COMPLETELY take over the editing of the short film I'd made on my course. This wasn't actually because I was corrupted by power though, it was more for practical purposes, seeing as my working partner I was lumped with was a complete retard. No offence to him.

Day 57: Today, welcome a new life

Chris and I were genuinely considering going to a maternity ward and seeing how far we would get. However, we eventually decided that this would not be a very good idea, seeing as EVERYONE else explicitly warned against it. Spoilsports! Fortunately, Chris is a clever lad, and thought outside of the box - We would go to Homebase and buy some plant seeds, so we could welcome some new organic lives! We decided on sunflowers, not sure why. Mine is still growing to this day, on the kitchen windowsill, growing into quite the beast! Alas, Chris lost his plant. Maybe one day he will find his lost child.

Day 58: Today, praise an unsung achievement

I decided to get all meta on Benrik's ass today! I sent an e-mail to them praising this very task (especially for the 'Driving Miss Daisy' bit, cracks me up for some reason). I got a reply back saying, simply, 'Well done for your e-mail'.

Day 59: Find a way of using the word vortex in all your conversations today

I actually did this pretty damn well! Mum's friend, Judy, called, and even though Mum was unavailable, I asked her if she saw that documentary about vortexes last night. When she asked what I found out about vortexes, I replied 'Uhhh... they're kind of like cyclones?' I also mentioned a 'vortex of stress' in a serious text message, and sometimes just randomly brought up vortexes. At one point I actually just ended a text with 'VORTEX!'

Phew, that's February done! Finally! Now only two more months left to catch up... Ho-hum...

January

Okay, so I really wanted to blog each and every seperate day of my tasking, so that I could go into detail about everything, but that all went to shit through my computer deciding to systematically destroy itself at every available oppertunity. Not that you can blame it really, I wouldn't much fancy being constantly prodded with my fingers either. Because of all this, I've decided fuck it, maybe I can do daily updates if my computer ever works and I manage to get up to date in the first place, but I don't look forward to catching up to that point with singular blog entries, so I've decided instead I will cap off January with this blog entry, I guess that will be a nice start. I won't go into loads of detail like I usually do, but let's face it, that's probably a good thing.

Day 23: Choose your final meal on death row and make it
I kind of cheated - I'm rubbish at making food. So instead I ordered it! Besides, my favourite kind of food is Chinese food, and you just can't beat Chinese takeaway. I got the following;
Special chow mein
Special fried rice
Barbecue ribs
Chips (for Jay)
On top of this, I needed oral lubrication and desert. I chose orange Lucozade for the former, and Refreshers bars for the latter, seeing as I was addicted to both at the time. It was an extremely unhealthy meal. But it was also supposed to be my last ever meal...

Day 24: Today, smile innapropriately
Jay and I, being the loving couple that we are, insult each other A LOT. Whenever she insulted me today, I just took it on the chin and smiled. Although I always smile, because our abuse aimed towards each other is funny. Whenever I bought up an upsetting topic I made sure to smile too. Chris said something really depressing later that evening, and smiled broadly. I forgot why at first, but then joined in.

Day 25: Today jump a queue
I didn't jump a queue today. I planned to, and I was stalking around Tesco for a while, looking for the perfect queue to jump. But I was really worried about it, 'cos I'm a pussy. Plus, the queues were shit. I finally decided on the queue I would jump and... it went before I had a chance. Lame.

Day 26: Today help destroy an ugly building
I didn't do this either. My life can't change with this pathetic tasking! I planned to maybe chip a bit of paint off this really ugly house with a nautical design near where I live. But I didn't. I had friends to see, and I guess my social life came first this day.

Day 27: Today write the opening sentence of your debut novel
'I don't know much about life to be honest with you, but I do know this; The closer you come to dying, the closer you come to living.' My debut novel will be a spy novel about an amateur secret agent who has to face the morality of killing others to accomplish what needs to be done for his job. It will subvert the genre a bit; a thinly-veiled James Bond rip-off gets killed in action for not focussing on his job and indulging in hedonism instead. The opening sentence needs a little work, but I will one day write the novel. Promise! Maybe.

Day 28: Today, return all your junk mail
I didn't have any physical junk mail of my own to return to sender. Fortunately, I get junk-ish stuff all the time from this indie music online magazine called Dummy, which I never signed up for and don't give a shit about, so I returned their very e-mail to them.

Day 29: Today, eat wrong
I ate really unhealthily all day;
Coco Pops and milk for breakfast, slathered in fresh cream, natch
Lucozade (of course)
Pizza. Really greasy pizza. I think
Cheesy garlic bread
Pork scratchings
I felt really sick by the end of the day.

Day 30: Everybody scream today!
Whilst doing my paperround with Jay in tow, at 20:07 as guided by the book, very near a pub, Jay and I stopped and screamed as loud as possible. She screamed 'FUCK!' to make it even better. I kept screaming and screaming. It killed my throat. Felt good though. Screaming, that is, not the sore throat.

Day 31: Groom someone on the net today
This failed epicly. Jay and I tried for quite a while to find a decent chat room, but no one uses them anymore. I figured I'd try and create an online band, so I found a music chat room, and found somebody named 'Ilovedrummerboyz'. I'm a drummer boy! Unfortunately, when I PM'd her, she never replied. Nobody else was interested in the band either. Chat rooms are SOOOO 20th century.

So there you go, the last third of January in a nutshell. Next up - February! Who'd have thought it?

Day 22: Be a pathological liar for a day

Let it first be known that I lie a lot. Don't worry, I never lie seriously. I just like making up stupid stuff to see if people believe it. Like saying that Steve wanked in the garden the day before. I dunno why I do this, but I always do, I find it funny to see people's reactions when they find out that I am in fact a dirty, filthy liar.

This love of humorous fibbing became my enemy on this day however. My lies are always so ridiculous, it's not often that people believe them. Secondly, most people I talk to are used to my bullshit by now, so the effect has been somewhat reduced over time. Throughout the majority of the day I said really stupid lies to Jay and Meech. I said LOADS of stuff, but they only believed two. And by 'they' I mean Jay, 'cos I don't think Meech was there for my effective pathological lies.

The first one was a wee bit harsh. Whilst waiting for the bus to meet Meech, Jay got excited and yelled in my ear to scare me. Of course, me being the prick that I am, I pretended that it hurt. That it REALLY hurt. I was groaning in faux agony for ages, claiming I had tinnitus. I really had her going for a few minutes. When I told her I was lying she was not happy. She felt really bad about hurting my ear beforehand, but afterwards I reckon she wished she had actually hurt my ear. I'd have deserved it.

My second lie was a bit rubbish really. I merely told Jay that the weather was going to be awful later. Which it wasn't, but it could well have been, Britain hasn't exactly had the nicest weather lately. But more than anything, it was a rubbish lie, and when I revealed I was lying at the end of the day (I feel too bad ACTUALLY lying), Jay was nonchalent. After the tinnitus gag, anything's gonna pale in comparison. Especially a really rubbish lie.

Jay and I met up with Meech to head to the cinema, and saw a lovely little film called 'Up In The Air'. Well, I loved it, Jay and Meech didn't seem so keen, though they didn't mind it. I thought it was amazing though, a really nicely-told story, a sharp, realistic script, lots of interesting stylistic tics going on, and it didn't have a throw-up-in-the-mouth sentimental ending. Great stuff.

This led Jay to thinking that I was very cynical, as I seemed to only like films with depressing endings, and because I hate 'Love Actually' with something of a passion. So I proved that I DID have a heart under my stony exterior by throwing on the cutest, sweetest, fluffiest, gwidgiest (I may have made that word up) film ever - 'Nick And Norah's Infinite Playlist'! She agreed that it was a lovely film, and for once we actually agreed on a film! So, all in all, a lovely night watching the loveliest film ever with the loveliest person ever!

Although, don't tell anyone, but I actually lied about liking 'Nick And Norah's Infinite Playlist'... Or am I just lying again? Answers on a postcard...