February

Still very lagging behind on the blogging front due to lack of internet at my house, but at least the computer's (apparently) fixed, so that's a start. Without further ado, let's jump in our DeLorean, gun it to 88, and head back to the start of February...

Day 32: Today rage against the machine!

I rage against machines quite often, by which I mean our home computer because it never fucking works, and XBox 360 back when I used to play 'Tony Hawk's' games, which I cut out of my gaming diet for fear of an anger-induced brain aneurysm. Today I raged against nearly every machine I encountered. Including my iPod and some sliding doors. In public. But I don't think anyone heard my rants. Probably a good thing on their behalf, my mouth is foul when angered...

Day 33: Become spokesperson for your neighbourhood today

I put up a sign my house's front window saying something along the lines of 'This road has a proud selection of cats. If anyone is caught hurting any of our feline friends, they will be punished accordingly.' We have a LOT of cats down our road you see. Not that I think anyone's ever gone around hurting them, but I figured I could avert it happening in case anyone really did come to our road with the sole intention of marauding moggies.

Day 34: Today gatecrash a funeral

Chris and I met up to go to a funeral in our area which I EVENTUALLY found out about through extensive research. Unfortunately we got lost, got the wrong place, and were very late on top of that. So we just went to a graveyard instead, where we visited Chris' dad's grave and discussed books we're planning on writing. We then headed to Cafe Nero in town, and seeing as we were smartly dressed, decided to talk like businessmen. Badly.

Day 35: How memorable is your everyday conversation? Today, find out by writing down everything you say. Highlight the wittiest phrases.

I didn't write down every single thing I said, because I'm too lazy. But here are some of my 'witty' phrases, which I'm sure will make no sense out of context. Actually, I'm not sure they did in context. The first is a conversation between me and Jaffy, which is hilarious when read out completely deadpan.

Jay: "I'm a bad influence."

Me: "Why?"

J: "I'm giving you ME."

M: "It's a contractable disease! It's spreading!"

J: "I'm a biological weapon."

M: "I'll show you a biological weapon... MY PENIS!"

J: "That's amazing."

Other 'memorable' things I said;

"Do you know where they were hiding the WMDs? In my pants."

"Biscuit for a biscuit?" (Upon mishearing the phrase "Risk it for a biscuit.")

"I'm not saying that you're not fat, I'm just saying that you're not fat."

"You look good however you look."

"I couldn't have a lip piercing if I didn't have a beard."

Yeah, most of these are just prime examples of my idiocy.

Day 36: Call a call centre in India and get the staff to teach you about their culture for a change

I called a call centre (took me ages to find a number though), and asked an Indian woman to tell me about her culture. She sadly declined, saying that it was not the sort of information that her company dealt with.

Day 37: Claim to see the Virgin Mary in an everyday object

I took a photo of a cracker and sent it to the Vatican. It was hilarious, because it was just the most mundane cracker ever, although I'm sure you could find the Virgin Mary's outline in there somewhere if you tried hard enough.

Day 38: Sense-less Day - Go through today without using your sense of: hearing

Spent most of the day with really uncomfortable wax earplugs in. It didn't make me deaf so much as just impair my sense of hearing a bit. Walking was uncomfortable, it sounded like a weird Solaris BC song, which is a very, very obscure reference, but very accurate I think. I eventually got bored and took them out, seeing as I was later at a little party thing at Dena's.

Day 39: Today buy a parrot and train it to say some unpalatable truth that you cannot voice yourself in society

Parrots are expensive, require space, and require care. And I'm poor, cramped in my room, and lazy. Besides, we have enough bloody pets as it is (two. Okay, that's not a lot, but still). So I didn't buy one. However, Jay's parents have a parrot, Mr. Magoo, and the day before, Jay and I tried to get the parrot to say 'DERP!'. And we succeeded. Not really an unpalatable truth, but funny and annoying in equal measure nonetheless.


Day 40: Environment Day: Teach Mother Earth who's in charge here

I provoked as much ecological sabotage as possible. I kept switching on unattended computers and lights at Uni and at Jay's. I convinced Jay to spray hairspray into the air, and I sprayed some deodorant, though I'm not sure if deodorant has CFCs. I even managed to get seperate bags for all my purchases at the shop. Which was a ready meal and three Refreshers bars. The checkout person was actually willing to do this. Awesome!

Day 41: Self-medication Day

I'd had a horrible nightmare the night before about a killer who chased me and Jay, so I stabbed him in the face, repeatedly, and REALLY graphically. It was horrible, and I felt more worried about myself for being capable of thinking up something so violent. Anyway, due to this, I decided to take green and yellow pills. I went to Superdrug and found some green and yellow decongestant pills. I've had nightmares since, but not many! I also took a red and yellow pill, but I don't (think I) have swollen arteries, it was just my daily antibiotic.

Day 42: Today carry a hidden weapon

You know those sharp things you stick in to the end of corn on the cob to pick it up with? We had a SUPER sharp one, perfect for gouging out eyes or, indeed, stabbing faces, at our house, so I decided that would be my hidden weapon. It was discreet, deadly, and, most importantly, a little leftfield in the weapons department. It did indeed ramp up my insecurities. i kept thinking about if I was gonna get attacked, would I have used it? Would it be seen as self-defense, or would I serve a long sentence for carrying my concealed weapon. Questions, questions. Fortunately, I never got attacked, so there are no answers to these questions.

Day 43: Draft your speech to the UN today

I drafted a very hippy, luvvy-duvvie speech and sent it to them. It wasn't very good, but maybe the hippieness would give it a chance to be selected. Take a deep breath;

Dear sirs,
Here is a draft for my intended speech if selected to be average representative of the human race at this year’s General Assembly pleneral meeting;
Mr Secretary General, Mr President, distinguished guests, ladies and gentlemen; Thank you for the privilege of being selected to speak as average representative of the human race. As a 21-year-old student from the UK, I can’t say that I’m in any position to know what is best for this world around us, but, as a man who cares about our humanity, I know what I feel is best for the human race, and I hope I speak for many others with my views. On the whole, we as human beings are mostly blessed. We are blessed with money, good health, housing, freedom, liberty. Sure, the healthcare system may not be the best, we may not all be the wealthiest, but many of us take this all for granted when compared to those who are homeless, those who are starving to death in third-world countries. This may all sound very-clichéd, and, yes, perhaps it is, but that doesn’t mean we don’t need to do anything about it and assume that others will do it all for us. We all need to take those things we have, and share them. Give money to charities, help out at homeless shelters. Whatever we can do to help those around us who are less fortunate. It’s easy to lay back, relax, and drown ourselves in all the good things we have. But ultimately, it will leave us empty, unfulfilled. Helping others is one of the biggest pleasures life can offer, and in the end, everyone benefits from it. We help others, others help us. It’s simple, easy, and rewarding. Obviously this can’t all happen in one day. We need to start simple. Stop hating others. Prejudice is probably the one thing in this world that triggers all the wrong-doing. Many wars are down to intolerance. People won’t help others because they look down on them. This is all wrong. We need to let people be the way they are, and embrace it. Let gay people be gay. Let Muslims be Muslim. Let human beings be human beings. Because that’s all we are, overall. Human beings. The rest of the details, our sexuality, race, gender, it’s all irrelevant. As long as we’re not harming anyone, we’re doing nothing wrong. Ignore what is fed to us by the mass media, the likelihood of media-based intolerant public opinion is that it all stems from rumours in the first place. We have to learn to believe in what’s for the best, not what the papers and news want to make us believe. Maybe I have a bias, being a media student. But the reason I find the subject so interesting is because I’ve always felt that the media is probably one of the most powerful tools on the planet. And it’s one that we must learn to form our own opinions on, instead of believing that which has such power over us. Because, if we all try to believe in what is right in our heart of hearts, then maybe everyone else will too. Thank you.
Thank you for reading, hope to hear from you soon.
Yours sincerely,
James Small.

Sorry about how shite that was (PS, I did not add this bit to the actual letter).


Day 44: Ecumenical Day

I already am an atheist, so trying that one out wasn't too hard, I was just myself. I didn't really have much time to try out seven different major religions today. I did have a pray to God outside a church hall though. I just asked him to reply to me if he was there. I didn't get a reply. I also stared at the sky for a while and thought about the universe, to cater to Paganism. It was blissful, but thinking about the universe really does scare me a little.


Day 45: Let the skeletons out of your closet today

I couldn't really think of many skeletons in my closet, but I came out with a few and told them to Jay:
Sexual skeleton - I don't wish to share this with everyone as it's no longer skeletons day. To be honest, it merely involved naming my favourite porn star - I'm just ashamed to have a favourite porn star in the first place. Hey, I was single for a long time!
Childhood skeleton - In primary school I bashed a guy's head against a wall because he used the water fountain before me and I wanted it! I still feel bad about this one. I was a twat in school, apparently, I definitely wouldn't be so deperate for water now as to resort to violence, promise! Maybe if I was in a desert actually...
My miscellaneous skeleton - I don't really have many skeletons in my closet. I'm sure I do. I'm just being a pussy probably. Also, this isn't much of a skeleton at all.

Day 46: Tonight, control your dreams

I firstly asked Jay for facts about hedgehogs, aeroplanes and midgets, seeing as she knows A LOT. She told me lots of facts, though not many about aeroplanes. Most of her facts related to diseases. One day she'll work for Dr. Gregory House, but I'll be overwhelmingly jealous, seeing as he is sexy, charming, clever, and treats 'em mean to keep 'em keen. He and I only share that last quality. Anyways, I later went on Wikipedia (a very reliable source I think, fuck the haters) and read loads about hedgehogs and midgets, most of it going over my head. I didn't read much about aeroplanes, because they're boring in my opinion. I tended to think about hedgehogs a lot, but unfortunately none of the objects invaded my dreams.

Day 47: Anti Paedophile Day

Although I would be scared of going to jail, I may have said hi to some kids today... If I'd have seen a single kid that day. No, I'm not joking. Well, there were some teenagers, but I don't know if they counted as young enough. Wait, that sounds really bad. I assure everyone reading this out of context that this was ANTI Paedophile Day.

Day 48: Today panic-buy

I didn't exactly panic buy, seeing as I only bought one of each object, but I did indeed buy all the products listed. I still haven't used the matches or soap, fun fact.

Day 49: Make prolonged eye contact with everyone you meet today

I made prolonged eye contact with Jaffy, Meg, Hannah and Meech, but forgot to do it to anyone else. Which is a shame because my band, Beerwolf, played our first gig on this day. I should have so stared out audience members from behind the drumkit, that would have made for a memorable show. For whoever witnessed me getting beaten up as a consequence, that is.

Day 50: Free Pet Day!

No excuses really, but I just didn't get around to doing this one. Although, funny story, my friends and I all recently thought someone else must have been doing this task, seeing as there was a poster up around where Meech lives, claiming a black-and-white cat called Whiskers was missing, with a really bad accompanying drawing. And no more details. And there are loads of black-and-white cats in that area. It stopped being funny when the reward started going up and Meech found out that it was an old man's missing cat. Sad times.

Day 51: Today mislead a tourist

I considered misleading a taxi driver when I was in a taxi, but that wouldn't work. Why? Reasons are twofold. Firstly, it wouldn't benefit me in any way seeing as I wanted to get home. And secondly, he had GPS. And was a taxi driver. Wasn't gonna work. Later at the bus station a man asked me when a certain type of bus left, and I was tempted to mislead him. But I felt bad, so I didn't. Damn my conscience!

Day 52: Self-acupuncture Day

I looked around town for acupuncture needles, but couldn't find any. I finally ordered some off of this dodgy website, seeing as it was the only website that I didn't need some kind of medical degree to purchase needles from. The needles still haven't arrived. I've really got to go about getting my money back for that.

Day 53: Send your DNA to the authorities today

As exampled in the Book, I sent some toenail clippings to Interpol, accompanied by the message written in the Book.

Day 54: Mass Social Experiment

I cut out the Out Of Order sign and stuck it on one of the elevator control panels at the Uni. I should have stuck around to see the results, but I pussed out. Suffice to say, I passed there not much later and the sign had already been torn down. Shame. I thought it would have been convincing.

Day 55: Today thank and write your most influential teacher

I planned to write some lovely remarks about the legendary Mrs Hamilton on the Trimley Primary School guestbook on the website, but alas, I simply didn't get around to it. Bad tasking, James! Bad tasking!

Day 56: Today, let power corrupt you

I tend to be a pretty nice guy, who will usually just do what others ask me to do, so there wasn't much power corruption on my behalf today. However, I did COMPLETELY take over the editing of the short film I'd made on my course. This wasn't actually because I was corrupted by power though, it was more for practical purposes, seeing as my working partner I was lumped with was a complete retard. No offence to him.

Day 57: Today, welcome a new life

Chris and I were genuinely considering going to a maternity ward and seeing how far we would get. However, we eventually decided that this would not be a very good idea, seeing as EVERYONE else explicitly warned against it. Spoilsports! Fortunately, Chris is a clever lad, and thought outside of the box - We would go to Homebase and buy some plant seeds, so we could welcome some new organic lives! We decided on sunflowers, not sure why. Mine is still growing to this day, on the kitchen windowsill, growing into quite the beast! Alas, Chris lost his plant. Maybe one day he will find his lost child.

Day 58: Today, praise an unsung achievement

I decided to get all meta on Benrik's ass today! I sent an e-mail to them praising this very task (especially for the 'Driving Miss Daisy' bit, cracks me up for some reason). I got a reply back saying, simply, 'Well done for your e-mail'.

Day 59: Find a way of using the word vortex in all your conversations today

I actually did this pretty damn well! Mum's friend, Judy, called, and even though Mum was unavailable, I asked her if she saw that documentary about vortexes last night. When she asked what I found out about vortexes, I replied 'Uhhh... they're kind of like cyclones?' I also mentioned a 'vortex of stress' in a serious text message, and sometimes just randomly brought up vortexes. At one point I actually just ended a text with 'VORTEX!'

Phew, that's February done! Finally! Now only two more months left to catch up... Ho-hum...

January

Okay, so I really wanted to blog each and every seperate day of my tasking, so that I could go into detail about everything, but that all went to shit through my computer deciding to systematically destroy itself at every available oppertunity. Not that you can blame it really, I wouldn't much fancy being constantly prodded with my fingers either. Because of all this, I've decided fuck it, maybe I can do daily updates if my computer ever works and I manage to get up to date in the first place, but I don't look forward to catching up to that point with singular blog entries, so I've decided instead I will cap off January with this blog entry, I guess that will be a nice start. I won't go into loads of detail like I usually do, but let's face it, that's probably a good thing.

Day 23: Choose your final meal on death row and make it
I kind of cheated - I'm rubbish at making food. So instead I ordered it! Besides, my favourite kind of food is Chinese food, and you just can't beat Chinese takeaway. I got the following;
Special chow mein
Special fried rice
Barbecue ribs
Chips (for Jay)
On top of this, I needed oral lubrication and desert. I chose orange Lucozade for the former, and Refreshers bars for the latter, seeing as I was addicted to both at the time. It was an extremely unhealthy meal. But it was also supposed to be my last ever meal...

Day 24: Today, smile innapropriately
Jay and I, being the loving couple that we are, insult each other A LOT. Whenever she insulted me today, I just took it on the chin and smiled. Although I always smile, because our abuse aimed towards each other is funny. Whenever I bought up an upsetting topic I made sure to smile too. Chris said something really depressing later that evening, and smiled broadly. I forgot why at first, but then joined in.

Day 25: Today jump a queue
I didn't jump a queue today. I planned to, and I was stalking around Tesco for a while, looking for the perfect queue to jump. But I was really worried about it, 'cos I'm a pussy. Plus, the queues were shit. I finally decided on the queue I would jump and... it went before I had a chance. Lame.

Day 26: Today help destroy an ugly building
I didn't do this either. My life can't change with this pathetic tasking! I planned to maybe chip a bit of paint off this really ugly house with a nautical design near where I live. But I didn't. I had friends to see, and I guess my social life came first this day.

Day 27: Today write the opening sentence of your debut novel
'I don't know much about life to be honest with you, but I do know this; The closer you come to dying, the closer you come to living.' My debut novel will be a spy novel about an amateur secret agent who has to face the morality of killing others to accomplish what needs to be done for his job. It will subvert the genre a bit; a thinly-veiled James Bond rip-off gets killed in action for not focussing on his job and indulging in hedonism instead. The opening sentence needs a little work, but I will one day write the novel. Promise! Maybe.

Day 28: Today, return all your junk mail
I didn't have any physical junk mail of my own to return to sender. Fortunately, I get junk-ish stuff all the time from this indie music online magazine called Dummy, which I never signed up for and don't give a shit about, so I returned their very e-mail to them.

Day 29: Today, eat wrong
I ate really unhealthily all day;
Coco Pops and milk for breakfast, slathered in fresh cream, natch
Lucozade (of course)
Pizza. Really greasy pizza. I think
Cheesy garlic bread
Pork scratchings
I felt really sick by the end of the day.

Day 30: Everybody scream today!
Whilst doing my paperround with Jay in tow, at 20:07 as guided by the book, very near a pub, Jay and I stopped and screamed as loud as possible. She screamed 'FUCK!' to make it even better. I kept screaming and screaming. It killed my throat. Felt good though. Screaming, that is, not the sore throat.

Day 31: Groom someone on the net today
This failed epicly. Jay and I tried for quite a while to find a decent chat room, but no one uses them anymore. I figured I'd try and create an online band, so I found a music chat room, and found somebody named 'Ilovedrummerboyz'. I'm a drummer boy! Unfortunately, when I PM'd her, she never replied. Nobody else was interested in the band either. Chat rooms are SOOOO 20th century.

So there you go, the last third of January in a nutshell. Next up - February! Who'd have thought it?

Day 22: Be a pathological liar for a day

Let it first be known that I lie a lot. Don't worry, I never lie seriously. I just like making up stupid stuff to see if people believe it. Like saying that Steve wanked in the garden the day before. I dunno why I do this, but I always do, I find it funny to see people's reactions when they find out that I am in fact a dirty, filthy liar.

This love of humorous fibbing became my enemy on this day however. My lies are always so ridiculous, it's not often that people believe them. Secondly, most people I talk to are used to my bullshit by now, so the effect has been somewhat reduced over time. Throughout the majority of the day I said really stupid lies to Jay and Meech. I said LOADS of stuff, but they only believed two. And by 'they' I mean Jay, 'cos I don't think Meech was there for my effective pathological lies.

The first one was a wee bit harsh. Whilst waiting for the bus to meet Meech, Jay got excited and yelled in my ear to scare me. Of course, me being the prick that I am, I pretended that it hurt. That it REALLY hurt. I was groaning in faux agony for ages, claiming I had tinnitus. I really had her going for a few minutes. When I told her I was lying she was not happy. She felt really bad about hurting my ear beforehand, but afterwards I reckon she wished she had actually hurt my ear. I'd have deserved it.

My second lie was a bit rubbish really. I merely told Jay that the weather was going to be awful later. Which it wasn't, but it could well have been, Britain hasn't exactly had the nicest weather lately. But more than anything, it was a rubbish lie, and when I revealed I was lying at the end of the day (I feel too bad ACTUALLY lying), Jay was nonchalent. After the tinnitus gag, anything's gonna pale in comparison. Especially a really rubbish lie.

Jay and I met up with Meech to head to the cinema, and saw a lovely little film called 'Up In The Air'. Well, I loved it, Jay and Meech didn't seem so keen, though they didn't mind it. I thought it was amazing though, a really nicely-told story, a sharp, realistic script, lots of interesting stylistic tics going on, and it didn't have a throw-up-in-the-mouth sentimental ending. Great stuff.

This led Jay to thinking that I was very cynical, as I seemed to only like films with depressing endings, and because I hate 'Love Actually' with something of a passion. So I proved that I DID have a heart under my stony exterior by throwing on the cutest, sweetest, fluffiest, gwidgiest (I may have made that word up) film ever - 'Nick And Norah's Infinite Playlist'! She agreed that it was a lovely film, and for once we actually agreed on a film! So, all in all, a lovely night watching the loveliest film ever with the loveliest person ever!

Although, don't tell anyone, but I actually lied about liking 'Nick And Norah's Infinite Playlist'... Or am I just lying again? Answers on a postcard...

Day 21: Today, help put an end to loud mobile-phone conversations

Above: A stupidly loud phone conversation.

I guess I've started a lot of blog entries this way, and it may seem like a bullshit excuse by now, but truthfully, I just don't think the world wants me to blog. I haven't blogged in ages because, yup, you guessed it, my computer's fucked. Again. It likes doing that. Plus, I've been very busy lately, what with having shitloads of coursework, nearly having a nervous breakdown, and trying to have a social life in amongst all this too. So, I haven't had the most amazing week, and I don't think I've blogged for about two or three weeks now, but I'm gonna try to keep this up, through whatever means necessary. I'm still blogging January's tasks, and it's March tomorrow, how much does that suck? I'm currently blogging off my girlfriend's laptop, so, until my hard drive's fixed, will be leeching off other people's computers for a while. So, again, blogs may not be consistent, but I'll try. Sorry to anyone who's missed my blogs, whoever that may be and for whatever reasons anyone would miss my blogs. Anyways, on with the taskage!

On this day, WAAAAAAAAY back on the 21st January, I didn't do the day's task. Which was annoying, because I deleted some sound clips from my mobile phone to make space for today's recordings, including my much-beloved text tone, which I find hilarious, but I'm pretty sure no one else would. I planned to record some loud mobey convos (UUUGGGHHH), but 1) didn't really hear any, and 2) totally forgot by the time I went out. Jay and I went into town in order to do this task (probably to get other stuff too), but only came across one man who was speaking loudly into his phone. In a foreign language. By which point I'd forgotten about the task. So, yeah, it didn't really work out at all well.

If anyone can remember back to my last blog entry (though you may need a DeLorean and a Flux Capacitator to jog your memory), I didn't do that day's task, which was to search my house for dead bodies. Jay and I felt bad about such bad tasking over these past few days, so decided to do the dead body hunting task a day later. Jay was super excited about this. We started off in the kitchen, looking in cupboards for disembodied limbs and the like, but found nothing. Well, Jay thought she found a baby's severed head, but it turned out it was just a potato. A mistake we've all made at least once, right? We were also tempted to knock through the hollow wall in my kitchen which led to the boiler, but I didn't think my Mum would be overtly enthused about us doing this, so decided against it somewhat.

Next, we headed to the top floor (people only hide dead bodies on the lowest and highest floors, fact!) to look in the attic. Scary! We have an insanely long attic in this house which just goes on forever, and I've only ever really stepped foot in there. So today I decided to go ALL the way to the end, knowing that as a gift for my brave actions I would be rewarded with... dead bodies. Oh. Fortunately, I was rewarded with a better gift - Nothing. I wish I could have at least found something though, I was treading very carefully to avoid collapsing through the ceiling or getting a face full of fibreglass.

Next up was the weird little door in Meg's room. I'd actually never thought about looking in here until this day, it's a scary little door where I imagined Meg might be keeping a slave or something. Alas, no such luck. The room was just another little extra attic, full of fibreglass, but very little else of interest. Dammit, I was sure there must be SOMETHING in there, it's the kind of door that is the staple of rubbish horror films. Oh well, whilst this search wasn't very specific, we have established that if this house did have previous serial killer occupants, they weren't lazy, and hid the bodies pretty well. Regardless of our results, we had fun searching.

My day with Jaffy was awesome, mainly because I told her a completely made-up story about Mum's dickhead boyfriend wanking in the garden and she believed it. I guess I was preparing for the next day's task, I kind of blew my load a day too early (though at least I didn't blow it in the garden). We then watched 'Family Guy' later that night, which I hadn't watched in so long that I've started finding it funny again. Just must remember not to overdo it this time. Words which the house's previous serial killer occupants were smart enough to take heed of. Otherwise I'm certain we would have found those damn bodies...

Day 20: Today, search your house for bodies left over from any previous serial-killer occupants

Whilst I had plans to search the house for dead bodies on the 20th of January, it never happened. Why? Well, I had a busy, jam-packed schedule that left no time for finding cadavers around the house. Trust me though, I had plans of where to look. Not many, but plans regardless. But never to fear, trusted reader, you'll find out on my next blog entry that dead bodies were hunted for... Just on the wrong day. That's still tasking right? I still did it, just not on the day planned.

I can't actually remember what I did during the day (probably wasted valuable dead body hunting time), but in the evening I went to the cinema with Meg to see the critically-acclaimed 'All About Steve'. That's right, the one that has 6% on Rotten Tomatoes. I wanted to see it to understand what exactly was so bad about it, so was sort-of looking forward to it, sort-of not. As it turned out, it was actually decent. Neither me or Meg could figure out quite why it was so hated, it has a weird, very quirky sense of humour that I guess is an acquired taste, but kind of reminded me of 'Anchorman', a film which I adore and have probably spent half of my life quoting. Plus, it avoided a lot of cliches, so, really, I have to admire 'All About Steve'. Maybe I can get it to 7% on RT?

Later that evening, after a bus ride home where I found out that I guy I used to know from high school talks to himself about toast on buses, I met up with the lovely Jaffy at Dena's where we had a night of really quite deep conversation, music, and drinking (except I still wasn't drinking at this point). I can't honestly say I remember that much about the night, because I'm a bad person, but I'm sure we had a good time. And then... Well, who knows? Jaffy crashed at mine. And that's all I can remember. Bear in mind this was nearly a month ago. And that I'm a terrible person.

And thus, that concludes pretty much the shortest, most pointless blog entry I've ever done. So I'll end with a somewhat task-relevant quote from 'Anchorman', just because I feel like it;

"Brick, I've been meaning to talk to you about that. You should find yourself a safehouse, or a relative close by. Lay low for a while, because you're probably wanted for murder."

Day 18: Sabotage Hollywood Day

If you know me, you'll know that I'm addicted to films (even though I haven't watched one in ages, I'm a bad addict, alright?), but all the same, unlike most people I don't get really that bothered if a twist in a film is spoiled for me. Besides, the way I see it, if a film has to solely rely on it's twist to be a good movie, then it's not really a very good movie is it? Would 'Fight Club' be a bad film if it didn't have the epic twist at the end? Yes, it would. 'Fight Club' is one of my favourite films because it's an amazing, subversive, hilarious, clever film, which just happens to have one of the best ever twists at the end. So this is my defense for going on a message board and ruining the twist.

I was hoping to go to the cinema today, find out the endings of the current releases, and go around spoiling the fuck out of them (especially 'The Book Of Eli', 'cos I heard it has quite the twist, whether that means it has a good twist or not. Probably the latter). But there was no oppertunity to go to the cinema today so I decided to spoil films from the comfort and safety of my own home instead. Besides, I didn't want my Unlimited card revoked for causing chaos around Cineworld. So, as referenced in the previous paragraph, for those of you with very short-term memory, I went on to the Films: At Home message board on www.gamefaqs.com. I hadn't actually posted anything on this site in ages, I don't use it much, but they have a sometimes fairly interesting film community which I enjoy perusing. I put on a post simply entitled 'Fight Club'. Now, I realise that this is more likely to attract people who have seen the film, but I'm the kinda guy who acts first, thinks later. Or thinks too much, never acts. But this example is the former. Not that it matters. Inside the topic I wrote (*SPOILER ALERT*) 'Tyler Durden is the Narrator. Just thought I'd let y'all know.' I'm thinking I did spoil the film for some poor soul, I checked back the next day and couldn't find my post at all, then noticed a 'system notification'. It was a message telling me that my topic had been deleted for unnanounced spoilers, and that I had lost 3 karma points. Out of the 300-ish I had. What a punishment!

Later, Jay, or Jaffy as I had taken to calling her, came around, and we planned a night of movie watching. For some reason, I was really in the mood to watch 'Hostel: Part II', but Jaffy very much wasn't. She was pretty much traumatised by the first 'Hostel', but after a while she agreed to watch the second one, knowing that I would protect her from any horrifyingly gory imagery. We made a deal that I could spoil the film for her throughout, but I felt really bad about it, so instead I decided to, at certain points, give her two options, one of them a spoiler, one of them completely made up. The problem being that I'm bad at making stuff up, so came out with amazing questions like 'Okay, so does he get killed by the girl he's torturing, or does the ghost of his dead friend come along and help him kill her?' Or something like that. Jaffy quite easily guessed the real spoiler. As it was in the end, she actually wasn't traumatised at all. She thought the first film was worse, while I was cringing in disgust at most of 'Hostel: Part II'. Especially the bit with the chopped off penis. But that's a guy thing. I think every girl who laughs at guys who cringe at severed penises should have to watch 'Antichrist' as punishment. Not that Jaffy laughed. Just a thought though.

We followed up the guts, gore, and mutilated cocks with an even more vile and disgusting film - 'Bridget Jones's Diary'! I couldn't even stomach the levels of gore in this film! Okay, I'm bullshitting, there was a distinct lack of gore in the film, but I did actually really enjoy it. Jaffy was scared I'd hate it 'cos I hate 'Love Actually' with such a passion, but 'BJD' was actually coherent, so I very much enjoyed it. Although I felt bad that Jaffy didn't spoil the ending of the film for me, but then again, it was a romantic comedy, we all know how they end. That's right, the girl gets with the guy... But then the girl IS the guy!

Or not. Has this happened in a romantic comedy yet? If not, I'm busting out the typewriter immediately...

Day 17: Today, stick a message on a banknote

Above: A very clear picture of my note. Which should be further down my blog entry, but Blogger won't let me move it for some reason...

Ahhh, a nice, simple task. The only problem with it was deciding what message to stick on my banknote. Alas, I didn't have any actual stickers (y'know, for sticking) available. So, I decided to write on a banknote instead. Simple enough, but what to write? WHAT TO WRITE? I was suffering writer's block before even putting pen to paper (or should that be note?).

I thought of simple stuff, like 'Have a nice day', or 'This note was touched by a man with an infectious skin disease'. But I wanted something more memorable and witty. Actually, that last one would be pretty memorable, but a bit of a stretch to fit on a £10 note. Although, in retrospect, I may just have gone for that one in my current mindstate. Besides, nothing I write could be as memorable as what Chris wrote on his (well, Scott did it actually); 'Look at my balls'. Wish I'd thought of that! But as it is, I went for the witty option, and, after racking my brain for ages, I came up with the mildly witty 'Pssst... Pass this note on.' Which, without blowing my own horn, I thought was quite clever, kinda memorable, and a worthy instruction for anyone who doesn't know what to do with said banknote.

But having just have written my note wasn't enough... I needed to pass it on, as instructed! So, I went to Blockbuster (I had to return 'I Love You, Man' from the previous night anyway) and browsed the games and DVDs. To be honest, there wasn't much that I felt like buying, or if there was it was expensive, but I happened to stumble upon the two-disc edition of 'A Nightmare On Elm Street' for £4, one of my favourite horror films which I somehow didn't yet own. So, I went up to the counter to proudly purchase my DVD with my sabotaged note;

Checkout Girl: "Someone's written on this note."

Me: (With very shifty eyes and obvious 'I did it' voice) "It certainly wasn't me!"

CG: "Good, I was going to say that you probably had too much time on your hands if you did it."

Me: (Secretly dejected) "Yeah, hehehe."

I didn't actually say "Hehehe", I did laugh. But yeah, I got dissed for my wonderful art. Sad times. Oh well, some just don't understand the beauty of banknote art! Others do though, including Jay, who days later wrote 'Have a nice day' on a banknote with a smiley face. Awwww!

Talking about Jay, she was now living at mine temporarily by this point, following on from the previous night's events. I can't really remember what we did this day, but our obssession with sprag continued, and we decided that we're going to advertise sprag in the most obtuse way possible; My smiling face on a billboard, accompanied by the word 'SPRAG'. And that's it. And the website would just be the same thing. And we'd never elaborate further on this to anyone. I genuinely want to do this, it would be amazing. Although I guess I would forever be known as the 'Spragman', or something. 'Spraggot', maybe. Who knows? It would be so worth it though.

Come to think of it, I should have kickstarted the 'Sprag' revolution earlier by putting it as the message on my banknote...