Day 6: Today, try food that scares you

During the day previous, the one in which Chris and I had converted subsumer society (or something like that), I showed him some of the cool stuff in my room. One of the things I had was a game called 'Bite The Bullet', which consisted of 13 chocolate bullets, a 12-sided die, and 2 of the aforementioned bullets containing chilli inside them. I now remember something about being at Jay and Kate's the previous night, and that was that Chris and I played this game. Amazingly enough, we both stumbled across the chilli bullets on our very last goes. What are the odds? I assure you they didn't taste nice, although they weren't quite as bad as I expected, seeing as the package was like 'This shit is so spicy it will cave your fucking face in!' (it didn't actually say that, unfortunately). But it wasn't nice, and I was, I'll admit, mildly scared of it. Actually, I was terrified, seeing as the best before was something like halfway through 2009. I know I should have saved the scary food for the day after. But, you see, I did!

See, also in my room was a gift I got about two years ago, from Nicole and Alex (who also bought me the 'Bite The Bullet' game, they want to systematically destroy my taste buds I think). It was a lollypop! EUUUUUURGGGGGHHHH! But, more than that (and I like lollypops really), it was a vodka flavoured lollypop. And it had a scorpion in it. So today, well, Wednesday 6th, I ate a scorpion.

I met up with my friend Mat at Uni during the day, so we could work on our essays. I got a huge amount done, which I was stoked about, and still had time to fuck around with Mat, searching for the very end of the internet, by which I mean the most disgusting stuff there is on the internet. Oddly, through all the Japanese squid porn and stuff I'm going to hell for laughing at, the thing that repulsed me the most was 'Simpsons' porn. It's WRONG! I just can't believe that someone would take so much time to craft a picture of Homer doing Lisa. And then jack off over it. It genuinely worries me. I think, in terms of legal stuff at least, that IS the end of the internet. Yes, stuff can be much grosser or whatever, but in terms of just straight-up weirdness, I can't help but think that images of yellow cartoon characters indulging in incest is about as niche and odd as a fetish can get. It disturbs that these people watch 'The Simpsons', and probably think "You know what, this is great, but it'd be much better if Marge was blowing Bart..." WRONG! Just wrong! And that's not even going into the fact that a lot of it is paedophilic. Ewwwwwww.

I can't believe I just went off on a tangent about 'Simpsons' porn. Well, at least I'm not endorsing it or anything. Anyways, at some point during essaying/worrying-about-humanity, I released THE lollypop - the Vodkalix Scorpion flavour. They had other varieties too, such as ants, or worm. Gross. I think I lucked out with the scorpion. First things first, the actual lolly tasted nothing like vodka. Which is a good thing, straight vodka doesn't do it for me. It just tasted... Sugary really. Like a sugar flavoured lolly. Weird. Not as weird as the scorpion though. It took a while to get to (the anticipation was the worst part), and I started with the tail. Then the pincers. Then the body. It didn't taste TERRIBLE. It didn't taste very nice either. It tasted like a weird mix between marzipan and pure cocoa powder. The worst thing, though, was that it was very bitty, which wasn't very comfortable. Knowing that I had little bits of scorpion in my mouth wasn't the best, I have to say.

Above: A VERY sexy picture of me eating a scorpion.

Unbeknownst to me at the time of eating, the treated Chinese scorpion contained within the sugary cage was also apparently an aphrodisiac. And, I have to say, without wanting to disturb any potential readers, I was quite horny that day. I promise you that I was not horny during seeing the 'Simpsons' porn though. Which works as something of an anti-aphrodisiac. At least I know where to look if I ever want to be completely turned-off though. For whatever reason I might want to be turned-off.

Later that evening, Mat and I went to see 'Daybreakers', which I personally thought was pretty damn awesome. It was stupid, but it knew it was stupid, without being too self-deprecating at the same time, which I like. One of the more fun films I've seen at the cinema in quite a while, loads of inventive ideas, over-the-top gore, and, of course, Sam Neill being a badass. Not quite as badass as eating a scorpion, of course, but what is? Eating a live scorpion, perhaps? If I ever have to do this task again, I know what I'm doing...

Day 5: Today, subvert consumer society from within

Above: Me, Chris, and cards which didn't photograph very well.

Even more delays! I swear I will get back on track soon! Promise! If I don't you have every right to blog about how much of a bad blogger I am. Name me and shame me. It's what I deserve! But in all seriousness, my essay is now finished, so blogs should be a bit more frequent, but I won't let blogs get in the way of my social life. Because my friends are the best!

I'm now blogging about Tuesday, where Benrikians were required to subvert consumer society by placing little messages in products in shops that will hopefully make the said consumer society feel bad about their purchases. As Chris was also following the Book, we decided to hit town together - double the subversion! I cut out the cards from my current book, and from last year's Diary (I bought the book after this task, but it was one that I thought sounded awesome and was sad that I missed out on - thank you for giving me another chance Benrik!) and went to town to hopefully hit the public even harder emotionally than my terrifying middle finger based onslaught the day previous!

Chris and I cleverly decided to be a bit subtle in our attack, we'd look around shops for a while innocently, then slip our cards of guilt into relevant items. We first hit up Marks & Spencer, as this sold a nice variety of clothing and home items. Or so we thought. Actually, it's mostly clothing and food. Chris slipped a card into a really expensive meal he saw in there, as he felt it deserved it. I didn't know this at the time though, he was so sneaky I had no idea he did it. We then went to the clothes section and I snuck a card into a shirt pocket. Very badly. Whereas he kept getting rid of his cards in really subtle ways. Impressive! In fact, he was so good at it that by the time we left M&S he had about 5 cards left, while I had 7.

We then went to Burton/Dorothy Perkins. We started by throwing some cards into some ladies boots we saw near the entrance. During which, I very subtly said loudly 'Hmmmm, I wonder if my girlfriend would like these?' No one would suspect a thing! Unless they knew I didn't have a girlfriend... We then went to the Burton section and Chris put a card into a bag. Specifically the card you're supposed to put into a bag. He opened it up and had a look inside it, making sure that the bag was 'to his liking'. On the way out, I had a look in some lady's bags. During which, I very subtly said loudly 'Hmmmm, I wonder if my mum would like this?' No one would suspect a thing! Unless they knew I didn't have a mum... Oh wait, I do. But the bag was ugly, I hope mum wouldn't have liked it.

Next up - vases! Specifically for the 'This vase is expensive yet empty - same as you?' card. This was actually really quite difficult, vases don't go by often in town. Chris went to a shop called Glyph to do his, and fortunately, there was a vase in there. But, even better, and for reasons I won't disclose, it was good way for Chris to exact a small vengeance on someone who is closely linked to that shop... I went to Abbeygate Lighting, an, ahem, lighting, and other aesthetic goods, store. Which was closed due to a power cut. Despite all the lights being on inside. Ooooookay. I went to the Wharf instead, where they did have vases, it's just that that they were completely clear glass vases. Oh well, seeing as nowhere else seemed to do vases, I slipped one in. It didn't even hit the bottom, resting very obviously just above the base. We quickly high-tailed it out of there.

Above: FAIL!

We also went to Boots sometime between vase hunting, for the perfume card. Neither of us really knew where the perfume was, so we attacked other items instead. Chris saw a big, expensive kit which was specifically designed for foot fetishism, sorry, I mean foot care, which I incredibly unsubtly slapped a card onto. We looked at other objects, looking for expensive stuff in particular, and I put one of mine in a pricey box of... Actually, I don't remember what it was. But it was quite expensive. So it had it coming! By this point Chris was almost out of cards, though I still had a couple more left.

Next up, we looked for even more expensive items for our last few cards. Especially the 'Have you read any Marx lately, you capitalist swine?' card, one of my faves. We had a look in a classy antiques store, but there was nothing quite expensive enough. Fortunately, next to this was a big department store. We went in and looked for the most expensive items. Which we'd decided were fridges. So we put the cards in the fridges, gaining lots of weird looks on the way out. But not before Chris thought that he might be able to put the card intended for a car in a toy car. Clever! But, believe it or not, there were barely any toy cars in the store. So we went hardcore. No, not sexually hardcore. That was way later...

We went to a car lot and considered asking to have a look in some cars and try and sneak them into the glove compartments. Alas, we didn't have a good feeling about the first one we went to, so went to another. Which we had an even worse feeling about. So we just snuck the cards under the windscreen wipers of some random cars, and, with that, finished our subversion! What I found funniest was probably the fact that there is a shitload of CCTV footage of us going around town and looking at slightly unusual objects, and just generally looking suspicious (I kept looking for cameras too, because that won't alert anybody watching the surveillance footage...).

After this, which was definitely the most fun I've had tasking so far, Chris came to mine for a bit, where we played poker badly (we weren't entirely certain on the rules), which he won. We then played a bit of bass, conversing about how ludicrously difficult Michael Jackson's 'Beat It' is, despite it sounding pretty simple. We then headed off to Jay and Kate's (eventually, we forgot just about EVERYTHING we had each time we left). Which was an awesome night, but I can't really remember much that happened that particular night, seeing as I've spent the last couple of nights there too. But I know I had a lovely time! I wrote that much in my diary! And having a lovely time is the important part. Right, guys? Please don't kill me for forgetting!

Day 4: Discreetly give the finger to people all day today

Sorry again that this is so belated. Been busy doing essay, and have finally got my social life back, so I'm struggling to fit in the time for blogging right now. To the point where I'm doing it at stupid o'clock in the morning. But I'm not gonna complain, because my essay is now finished, and I'm getting to see my beautiful friends a lot more. Got a few blogs to catch up on though. Expect this message at the beginning of every entry...

On Monday, I simply had to give the finger to people. Perferrably without them noticing. Brilliant! Gonna be fun! However, in the morning I was home alone, which did not give me a good oppertunity to show people that I hated them with the power of my finger. I could also show people I like them with my finger, but that's another thing entirely, nobody ever seems to want that! Crude, obvious jokes aside, I decided that my bird-flipping action wasn't going great, so headed off into town, partly because I really wanted a chicken burger, but mostly so I could say 'FUCK YOU!' to everyone, and (hopefully) not have to face any negative consequences.

So, the entire time I was in town I held on to my bag, middle finger extended as seen in the photo above, a silent obscenity to anyone who dares cross my path! I think a few people may have noticed, but giving the finger is all about not giving a fuck, so I didn't. No fuck was given by me today! I headed into Favourite Chicken to get a stupidly overblown, in terms of ingredients and calories, chicken burger, and waited patiently, middle finger still distended. Which I purposefully aimed at the man waiting behind me in the queue. I even made it more obvious when my sleeve went over my hand by lifting it up and bringing attention to it. And I made sure that, upon paying for my burger, I held my £5 note with my middle finger, and passed it over to the guy at the counter like this. Scary, but also incredibly liberating. Can't explain why. On the way home I continued my reign of finger-based terror. Which left me with a very cold middle finger when I got home. But it was SOOOOO worth it.

During dinner, I made sure to 'rub my eye' at my family. Then, with no one noticing that, hold out my middle finger and proclaim 'I think I got what was in my eye. What is it though...'. Everyone noticed eventually. By the end of dinner I was just straight up giving the finger to everyone. Just because I thought it was funny.

Later I went to Jay and Kate's. The walk there was great, with me constantly 'scratching my face' at strangers. In fact, I got so into it that I actually just gave the finger without trying to hide it to some passing cars. This task possibly bought out the dickhead in me. And I loved it! It was the first time I'd seen Jay and Kate in a while, so it was lovely to see them again, I missed them lots! We watched 'Love Actually'. Which I was told was one of the happiest films ever. A while back I made a blog saying it would be funny if it was actually as depressing as 'Requiem For A Dream'. Okay, so NOTHING will ever touch 'Requiem...' for depressing film stakes. NOTHING. But 'Love Actually' did actually depress me. I think it's because it was all so perfectly happy (with some exceptions), whereas I was feeling a bit cynical about love recently (see my blog about The Love Of Your Life day. If you want to, I'm not forcing you). I appreciate that if I was in love I would probably see the happy side. But as it was it just made me wish for something I don't have. It's wish fulfillment for those who have already had their wish fulfilled. I felt really bad about not liking it though, seeing as it's one of Jay's favourite movies. While not a great movie (I couldn't get in to the characters, above all), it had some good laughs, so I didn't hate it. But I just felt really bad at disliking something that someone else loves so much.

Jay took revenge by later taking the piss out of 'Face/Off'. Which is the greatest film of ALL TIME. Or not. But it is awesome. Throughout staying at theirs, I had been giving the finger to them behind their backs a lot. But I felt bad about it, so just decided to straight up finger them (bad phrasing) later on. Good times! We watched a show about urban legends, which I think was called 'Urban Legends', and all guessed that the man falling down the sewers and travelling a few miles was probably fake. Turns out it wasn't. That show pretty much gave us the finger with that...

Day 3: Advise your military today

Right, I know I really should be doing my essay right now, but it's actually driving me mad that I'm running behind on blogs a bit, I feel so behind the times! So, I'm gonna update this now, and work my arse off on my essay tomorrow and Thursday. As it is, despite being long, it's a pretty easy to write essay anyway, and is going far better than I thought it would, and don't have much left to do at all. So, I'm not overly worried about it. And sorry Jay! I know you said you won't have any more sex with me if I didn't do my essay tonight, but you know you'll be back for more! For our crazy mid-air sex and BRRRRRRRRAHHHHHHing of course!

So I'm writing here about Sunday, where I had to help out our military by sending a letter to an army personel and advise them as to any oncoming attacks. Well, I didn't do this exactly, because I have no idea how you're supposed to write to someone from the army. Finding out a name isn't too hard, but how do you find out their regiment and their position and all that stuff? I was very tempted to send an e-mail to a guy I vaguely know (was 'friends' with a few years back) who happens to be in the army. But I figured it may perhaps be a bit obvious if I e-mailed this guy I haven't talked to in ages some bullshit advice about potential attacks coming their way or something, as exampled in the book. I considered doing it from a different e-mail address, claiming anonymity, but, after ages of umming and ahhing, I had a far better (read: stupider) and edgier idea...

I would become friends of the British Army on Twitter! And thus, with this beautiful relationship having blossomed, I could help them in some way. I wasn't keen on the idea of sending them something from my normal Twitter profile however (I use that for DEADLY SERIOUS purposes), so i made a new one. Everyone, say hi to Colonel Stephen Quarritch - http://twitter.com/cnlquarritch! In case anyone thinks that name sounds familiar, Quarritch is the badass motherfucker villain in the hit blockbuster 'Avatar'. If you haven't seen the film, Quarritch is a super jingoistic, patriotic, macho, military douchebag hard-ass who demands his military to obtain a rare element, called Unobtainium (yes, really), on the beautiful planet of Pandora - and will go to any measures to satisfy his needs. So he seemed like the perfect guy to help out our military, providing there was some dodgy deal going on...

Who is that badass above? The original Quarritch of course. In a giant robot. Holy mother of fuck. If that picture was any more awesome, it would... No, it actually couldn't BE any more awesome...

After giving Cnl Quarritch a nice tweet that totally isn't an exact line from 'Avatar', I sent a short message to the British Army - 'Still lacking helicopters? My military can provide aerial gunships for a good price. We just need to cut a deal...' Oooh, satirical! If you can give it that much credit... I was prepared for further correspondence by letting them know if they launched an attack on one side of Pandora, Quarritch's army could sneakily steal the Unobtainium from the other side. Unfortunately, no replies have been given from the British Army yet. Which is good, cos I don't want Pandora to be destroyed. Plus, it doesn't exist. And nor do the aerial gunships I promised in return for their good work. And nor does Stephen (I just took the actor's first name) Quarritch. So, the 'deal' would have been incredibly fruitless. But I offered 'my' services at least, and that's all that was needed.

On a film, but not military, related note, later that night I watched 'Hotel For Dogs'. Honestly. And it was actually quite good. Genuinely. Dave, Chloe and I planned a 'Doggy Day' a long time ago, where we would go to the cinema one day and quadruple bill 'Hotel For Dogs', 'Marley And Me', 'Beverly Hills Chihuahua', and, of course, the doggiest of all these films, 'Slumdog Millionaire'. Unfortunately, all these films were released at different times, but I still vowed to see them all. And now I have seen the entire tetralogy. And 'Hotel For Dogs' was actually quite good. I had been in a shitty mood the last few days, so I needed something to cheer me up. And what could cheer me up more than a hotel for dogs? Nothing! That's what!

Okay, maybe Quarritch kicking arse in a giant robot could. Hells yeah!

Day 2: The Love Of Your Life

This is Saturday's task, where I'm simply required to gaze at everyone lovingly, consider whether they are 'the one', and if I think they are, then act on my desires. Yeah, right. This is the second day of life change, my balls aren't quite big enough to approach a complete stranger and tell them that I think they are the one for me. If I were to do it, I would have to push up my glasses and lick my lips as I did it for comic effect...

Besides, we all know that my heart is reserved for Lylith. Ahhh, Lylith, you massively mammaried beauty! You will be my dairy queen! Haha, if this blog entry gets anymore creepy I might just get investigated...

Above: The TRUE love of my life

Anyway, as it is, no one I saw today was worthy of my love. I instantly ruled my family out. Because it's already established that I love my family, but I don't love them in THAT way. Besides, I have to save that for that Family Love Day that I am totally not looking forward to. So, I headed out to Ipswich today for band practice, and on the train journey up there, searched for the love of my life...

And what a fruitful search it was! Nah, it was terrible. I mean, REALLY terrible. I was hoping the hot, bespectacled emo girl who kept looking at me I saw a few weeks back would be there. But she wasn't. The only people I could see initially were a few chavvy guys. Hmmmm, not really my kind of scene. Partly because they were guys, and I'm not gay. Although, to an extent, I've always thought that if I was particularly unlucky in finding a woman, I could go for a guy. I've had more guys ever flirt with me than girls have, so at least I know it would probably be relatively easy to get IN a gay relationship, even if it wouldn't be so easy to BE in one. Because it wouldn't be truthful to my heart. Which loves girls. Shame.

But mainly, something that matters far more than sexual preference, they were chavs! And I don't think I could ever date a chav, be they male or female. Chavs transcend gender! This is nothing personal against all chavs, I know some chav-esque people who are pretty nice. But dating one? That's a different matter. I don't think I could deal with the other chavs who would no doubt be involved too. Plus, I'm a geek, so I'd be totally incompatible with a chav. Would be interesting if it DID happen though...

I did see a woman with a fringe, which, for whatever reason, I am totally into. But she was a bit too old for me, and clearly had a boyfriend already. In fact, age was one of the main issues, I didn't see anybody who I thought was roughly around my age. Everyone seemed too young or too old. And I know age isn't necessarily important in love. But I'm not a paedophile, nor a grave-robber. So nobody I saw today really captured my heart.

Actually, my bandmates are near enough around my age. The problem being that two of them are guys. And the female member... I just couldn't love her. Or any of them. Sorry guys, I know you're not reading this, but sorry if you do. I shouldn't go into further detail. We're just on WAAAAAAAY different leagues to each other.

Band practice didn't go well at all. We were planning to record some tracks so we could send them to a venue interested in gigs. But all the recording gear fucked up, so that didn't happen. And there were lots of arguments, as usual. When all I want to do is drum. Nothing more, nothing less. Oh well.

However, on the positive (actually, quite negative) side, something Mum told me later that night made me so disillusioned in love anyway. I won't go into details here, but it made me realise that people are shit. And, you know, I've always loved the idea of love. But some people just aren't capable of it, and I'm always so scared that I'll end up with one of those people, someone who will fuck me over and leave me broken hearted. And, I guess, love is one of the only things capable of making people feel that shit. But it can also be the best thing in the world. It should be the best thing in the world. I hope it's the best thing in the world at least. 'Cos otherwise I'm wasting my time filling my head with the idea that it is.

Fuck, this has all gotten very reflective. Jay and I happen to be talking about similar subjects as I'm writing this. Sorry if it's all gotten a bit downbeat, but I've been in a shitty mood today, so I guess that's rubbed off a bit. Besides, I really enjoyed writing it. If you have a problem with that, then I don't love you! And you don't want that now, do you?

Day 1: Warm-up day

Ahhh, a nice and easy start. All I had to do was one of the many featured mini-tasks to help warm me up, and prepare me, physically and mentally, for the next coming 364 days. Methinks maybe the tasks are too simple compared to the following ones, but obviously this wasn't entirely the point, it was blatantly intended as a warm, welcoming mini-challenge and nothing more!

I actually did three of them, because I was determined I would start off my new year with a bang! Actually, I was a bit groggy this day. The previous night I was at an awesome new year's party at Jay and Kate's, drinking dilligently throughout the night! Then, after everyone else left, Jay and I stayed up really late talking, because once you get us two talking, it's near impossible to stop us! And when I say really late, I mean until half 7 in the morning. So, really early I guess. Either way, the next day I was operating slightly hungover and off of few hours of sleep, so I wasn't functioning the best. But I did manage to get three tasks done, when I could have just settled for one. Because that's how fucking dedicated I am to the Book!

Actually, I'd have much rather have gotten more done, and I know Chris got around 7 completed (well done Chris!), but I was tired, okay? YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT? LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!... Sorry about that. Maybe I'm still tired and a little cranky...

I started off by performing a private striptease as I removed my clothes for my morning shower (which, this particular morning, was 4 in the evening). I may have gotten too much into it, flinging my clothes around the bathroom, thrusting my hips, and humming that song from 'The Full Monty' which goes "You can leave your hat on...", which is probably called 'You Can Leave Your Hat On', but I really don't know. I didn't half-arse (geddit?) my private striptease though, and I really feel like I could be a future Chippendale. Where do I sign up?

After my shower, I got ready. I didn't really have anything to get ready for, especially seeing as I was just lazing around all day, but it's just how I do things. I decided that instead of using the normal comb with thin gaps that I often use to brush my hair though, I would complete another task - use a different thickness comb! This one had super big gaps in it, so I don't really understand how anyone could brush their hair with it, although it may may be good for giants. Which has gotten me thinking, is a giant's hair as thick as a regular person's hair, or do they have super thick hair strands? I'd assume they would have bigger hair roots, but who knows? If anybody CAN answer this brain-sizzler, let me know! Anyways, my hair always looks stupid, especially when it's wet and I've just brushed it, but brushing it with this thick, thick comb made it look even stupider, as you can see;

Yes, that is a fallen down poster behind me. I put it back up soon after!

Also, I decided to do one press-up. This wasn't too challenging, seeing as I usually do twenty every day (dunno why, just something I challenged myself to do). But, you know, in the state I was in on Friday, it wasn't the most pleasant press-up of my life. Besides, I'd wasted all my energy on my private striptease...

I also attempted to name my genitals throughout the day. My testicals are already named Lefty and Righty (you can guess which is which), because I'm super original like that. But i feel like they need some personifying, and my penis needs a name too (beyond 'The Destroyer', of course). I failed to think of appropraite names unfortunately. However, just an hour or so ago, I asked Jay for ideas. She came up with Fitzgerald, or Gerty for short, which I very much like! She said if she had a penis she'd name her's Frank. And also that she thinks people's penises often look like someone else's penises. I'm not sure if I know entirely what she's talking about, but it was very amusing. Rambling between Jay and I is the best!

So, this is James, Lefty, Righty and Fitzgerald signing off... P.S. I'm so sorry I've possibly made you think about my penis and me stripping in this post! I will pay for the therapy if you want?

Start The Riot!

Hello everyone, and a happy new year to y'all! On my last blog post I did intend to write up my new year's resolutions, but totally didn't want to! Nah, I'm kidding, I just forgot. So, with a little bit of inspiration from my best friends, here are my new year's resolutions, plus stuff I want to do over the course of 2010;

- Be more sociable - go out when invited out, see friends more

- But also see more of my family too

- Try to make an effort with Dad, in the hope that maybe he'll make an effort with my sisters and I. Maybe he doesn't deserve it, but I'm not someone to be bitter at people

- Do my Benrik tasking to the best of my ability

- Take more photos

- Spend less on shit that I don't need

- On a similar level, 'treat myself' less. If you catch my drift. I kinda hope you don't. But if you do, I'm not addicted or anything, I always just feel kinda guilty and lonely afterwards. Because I'm weird

- Try my hardest at everything

- Try to go to some gigs. And if Jesu are in the UK, DEFINITELY go to one of their gigs

- Learn to cook

- Be less opinionated

- Get a job

- Be happy

- Keep blogs consistent, hopefully

- Finish the current script I'm writing

- Get better at bass

- Actually pass my second year this time

- Gain weight - No, I'm not taking the piss out of everyone who says they want to lose weight, I think I'm disgustingly skinny, and don't think it would hurt to be a bit bigger

- Help out my friends with their new year's resolutions

- Stop accidentally writing/saying 'revolutions' instead of 'resolutions' and having to go back and correct my mistake

And I think that's that for my kinda long list of stuff. I'm looking forward to improving myself on these levels, and this whole year in general. It's gonna be awesome!

Today, I officially start some immense tasking in the form of 'This Book Will Change Your Life'. Things will start off easy, but it doesn't take long for them to get hardcore. I fully expect to end this year with; a criminal record, physical scars, psychological scars, no money at all, fluency in Esperanto, a ridiculous amount of quiche in my house, and much more besides. Even though I have strictly speaking done today's task, I will still continue my thing of writing about it the day after - just in case anything should need to be added after I've written my day's entry. So for today's entry I'll fill you in on my filling in - of the opening forms of the Book that is.

This Book Will Change Your Life belongs to: James Small

Stranger: If you find this Book, please return it to me if I know the secret word (which is didgeridoo) and I will give you sexual favours.

Personal details

Photo (Before): There's meant to be a photo here, but I can't get my fucking camera to plug into the computer properly. So fuck it, maybe someday soon, I will ACTUALLY be able to put photos on my blogs.

Name: James Small

Address: I wrote it down, but I'm not divulging that on the internet you cheeky buggers!

Phone (home): Same as above.

Phone (mobile): Nope, sorry.

Email: Rivers_315@hotmail.com

Computer IP address: God knows

Date of birth: 24/10/1988

Social security number: ??? (I genuinely don't know)

Bank details A/C: Not telling (I didn't even write this down in the Book, along with a lot of the following answers...)

Sort code: Still not telling

Internet password: ****** (Hint: It's not actually six asterisks)

Credit cards: Don't, have, any

Pin numbers: Or, do, I?

Burglar alarm code: A secret

Role model: Justin K. Broadrick

Aspiration in life: World's greatest director/musician

Childhood dream: Video game designer

Claim to fame: Benrikian of the Month, December 2009

Definition of beauty: Niceness

Explanation of evil: Horribleness

Other details you deem relevant: I have not taken most of this seriously

Completely unnecessary detail: I just ate chilli beef lasagne

Compromising detail: I love you (don't tell anyone!)

Is this book a gift?: No

In case of emergency

IN CASE OF ACCIDENT

Name of GP: Dr. Riiiiiip and Nurse Proddenfeel

Phone: ?

Medication: Tetrasyl 300

Previous operations: None

Limbs I would rather not have amputated: Toes on left foot

Organs I would rather not have removed: Balls

Current blood group: A/O

Preferred blood group: O

IN CASE OF AMNESIA

My favourite colour: Green

My favourite food: Pizza

My lucky number: 13

My sexual orientation: Straight

My best foot: Right

My best friend: All of them!

My most annoying habits: Biting nails, being annoying

IN CASE OF SUDDEN DEATH

Person to contact: My mother

Phone: Oh no you don't!

Break the news to them gently?: Yes

Confession (my worst sin): I did mean schoolboy pranks to someone I won't name, because I'm no longer being mean to them

I want to be: Cremated

Song to be played: Jesu - 'Weightless & Horizontal'

Do not invite: Adolf Hitler

Epitaph: 'If only he hadn't have done that task'

Lasting regret: Never saying sorry

My stuff goes to: Everyone in the world, shared out equally

Dear anybody who reads this, please go to my room and remove the stash of heroin from inside my TV before my poor mother finds it.

IN CASE OF THERMONUCLEAR WAR

Favourite isotope: Springfield Isotopes

Country where you agree to meet up with your loved ones within 10 years: Not yet discussed. Will have to be arranged though.

Woah, that was exhaustive. Hopefully I didn't divulge too much information and won't get my identity stolen. Would serve me right though if I did, I'd learn my lesson. Besides ALL the information was deadly serious! Especially about the heroin in my TV, and my doctor's names.

So, tomorrow I should, hopefully, begin blogging about my actual tasks. Stay tuned, folks! Oh, and for tomorrow: Happy new day! I don't see why a year should be so much more important than a day...